Living with verbal emotional abuse

Hi @Heather ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums! You will find some really great, caring people on these forums, who really understand and can offer you much in the way of support.

Verbal and emotional abuse can be really hard to handle, and NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. It sounds like it's been going on for a long time too. I really feel for you.

One thing I can say though, is your comment that you are not alone is unfortunately true. A lot of people have this same experience. But let's turn that around into a good thing - YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE!!

I am sure you will find some great support from some of our fantastic forum members that can talk to you from the viewpoint of their own experiences. @PeppiPatty @Alessandra1992 @kristin @JT and @kenny66 are just a few that come to mind!!

Once again, welcome!!

Hobbit.

Hi Heather, welcome to the forums. Really hope you find the support here to get you through.

I reckon emotional abuse is one of the cruelest forms. I was emotionally abused by my ex husband and his abuse was all about control, it was debilitating but I only realised after I left. I did spend years though wishing he would hit me because then others would see how he was.

Why do they do it? Control? The need to dominate? Gosh knows some expert would probably say their monther didn't breastfeed them or their father should have eaten more greens. In the case of my ex I no longer care.

My son on the other hand (he was only a child) was harder to handle. After 10 years of abuse from my partner I walked, my son on the other hand I felt an obligation to him. Happily it was worth the pain but perhaps if I didn't already feel like the victim I would have handled him better. Who knows.

Anyways, there is support out there for you!

Hi heather, emotional abuse is crap, isn't it? The worst thing about stigma and abuse is that those who are most vulnerable receive the most. Now why is that?

Hi Sandy

i agree with you on a few points mentioned especially with taking the anger out on someone they feel has lesser value then their own and think that they have a deeper issue within themselves. i want to help him i know in his heart he is a good loving person , i struggle every day thinking and over thinking how i can help him .

regards heather

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@Alessandra1992 wrote:
Sometimes it is because other people feel powerless.. It is easy to take out your anger and frustration on someone that you don't value as having equal value to your own..and people who continually belittle others have a big problem with their own self esteem.

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Hi @Heather

Welcome to the forums.

I'm So sorry to hear you are suffering with this. It is very damaging to be copping this. I take it from your last post that it is your partner who is verbally abusive? Emotional abuse is a horrible thing, whoever is dishing it out, and as I think @Alessandra1992 said it can do lots of invisible damage.

I copped this from my ex-husband and my former partner. I now see that it was their way of trying to control me. With my former partner it is in some respects born our of his intense need to control his environment because he has PTSD (as do I). But that is not for a minute to excuse it. He also has a good heart - I care about him very much, even though we are no longer together (my choice). One of the things I have learned with him (he still lives with us at the moment) is that I am not doing anyone any favours by letting it continue. It is damaging to him as well as the rest of us to allow it to continue.

I'm not going to kid you that this has been an easy journey because it has been incredibly hard, but I have learned (by small and growing steps) to challenge his behaviour when he becomes like this.

Initially it would take me ages, sometimes weeks to say "it's not ok to speak to me that way". He would immediately become very critical of me whan I questioned his behaviour. He'd turn it back on me as a defense. Now when he tries that I say that we can talk about that another time but at the moment we are talking about this thing. For a long time I would have to wait until I was calm enough in myself to say it without just triggering a shouting match, to say quietly and calmly: what it was that was not ok and how he needs to behave in future.

This has been a journey of years, but I have learned a lot and got much better in the last year - at quickly seeing what's going on and not being side-tracked when he tries to turn it on me. I am also much quicker at dealing with it, on the spot in some circumstances, or waiting until the kids go to bed if I need to have a quiet space to discuss it.

Last year I realised that I have found myself in emotionally abusive relationships with men for a reason. When I was growing up what I saw of my mother interacting with my father & step-father, and the abuse I suffered at my step-father's hands, gave me a very deeply etched sense that all relationships between men and women are inherently abusive. If you had asked me that I would have said no way, but in my heart that's what I believed. Since realising it I have been working on that sense, and on making it not so any longer.

I can't tell you what you need to do Heather, because only you know yourself and him. What I can tell is that it's not ok for anyone to treat another person this way, it is not loving behaviour. You deserve better, to be treated with kindness and love.

Kindest regards,

Kristin