How can I repair things with my son after a BPD episode?

@Former-Member I can truly hear how devastated you are about the impact this has had on your son. You obviously care about him very deeply and only want what is best for him. It can be such a huge struggle to watch our loved ones suffer, and it can be hard not to take sole responsibility for their state of being, especially when living with MHI that can at times be quite explosive.

At the end of the day, you are responsible for you, and he is responsible for himself. You can support each other but you are not 100% to blame for what he is currently going through.

You can certainly encourage him to reach out for help for himself - whether or not he is ready to do that is up to him. You could always give him the number for our Drop In counselling service (1800 187 263) to see if he thinks it could be helpful to chat with someone. You yourself are also of course very welcome to give us a buzz if you think it could help to have a more in-depth conversation about what you're going through.

Another great resource is the COPMI (Children of Parents with Mental Illness) website. They have resources for both children and parents, so it could be helpful for both of you.

You could also consider looking into getting counselling for the both of you together to help work on your relationship - if he's willing. Relationships Australia offer all sorts of family and relationship counselling options to explore.

It can be really hard to navigate these sorts of situations, but you're doing right by him to be reaching out for support. You could also ask him what he thinks he needs from you - be it space, communication, or something else like that, you won't know unless you ask.

Glad to have you with us so we can help support you through this difficult time 💜

Hi @Former-Member

Ive just read about your relationship with your son.

I didn’t hurt my children (because I don’t have any), but I did hurt everyone alone me. Why? Because I was in so much pain inside. I couldn’t bear living with myself let alone expect someone else to.

And yes, I did turn to self harm on a regular basis.

One thing I found most helpful was sitting down and talking through boundaries with a loved one. For example, I’d say, ‘when I’m angry, you can walk away until I calm down.’

What’s different for me though is that I didn’t speak to my own child in helping them with boundary setting. It was always to adults. So perhaps with you son, it’s about letting him know that it is the BPD and not really you that is raging.

Your son may now be in avoidance mode where he chooses to disconnect as a way of surviving. He is probably confused as to why you are so loving, yet can be totally different the next. Some people term this the ‘beauty and the beast’.

In the meanwhile, have you ever looked at supports from the Australian BPD Foundation? If you go to their newsletter, they have a list of services in each state.

I engaged in painful MBT (mentalisation based therapy). Painful - not physically, but emotionally. I was pushed beyond my limits in both group and individual therapy. But this is what made the difference. This is where I grew most. This is where my brain changed its way of unhelpful thinking.

This is why I’m here today.

You can recover.

Sorry @Former-Member , I forgot to tag you in the above post. That was for you.

Help your son to understand what BPD is and let him know you are wanting to change (if you do, that is).

Tell him you love him.

Thank you @Jynx . You have provided me with so many options and I will follow up on them. I'm just so encouraged by the support I'm getting here on the forums. I haven't been up front with my son about my diagnosis, it's time I was so that he can reach out to services such as you have mentioned, for support. My mother too was mentally ill, but never diagnosed. I know how distressing it is. I gave him space last night but let him know that I'm here for him. He can talk to me about anything. He later came out of his room and we had dinner and watched the footy. The aftermath of a BPD episode is such a desolate place for all involved. I just don't want him to feel alone in dealing with that.

Thank you @BPDSurvivor . Yes, you are so right! He was in avoidance mode which is so understandable. Thank you for reminding me. I also used avoidance as a coping strategy to deal with my mum's own undiagnosed mental illness. It feels like history repeating, it's terrifying and heartbreaking that now my son is going through what I did as a child. The dreaded generational trauma, but, I'm committed to changing that. Can I ask where you accessed the therapy you mentioned, was it at Spectrum? I saw it mentioned a few times here in the forum's.

Hi @Former-Member ,

Yes, that dreaded generational trauma.... sounds to tough. I can see why you want to get better not only for your own sake, but for your son.

I was also one who avoided things. When things got difficult or hard, I'd just avoid it altogether. I think this was the beauty of mentalisation based therapy - i had to face the things I would normally avoid.

And yes, spectrum. That is in Victoria. https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/ It is under Melbourne's Eastern Health network. It was certainly a commitment for me to attend therapy there because it was about a 4 hour round trip. Most people go twice a week. I went only once a week and did a double therapy session - a few hours of therapy in one day!!! After therapy, I felt like I had a major workout. It wasn't easy!

Hope things get better for you.

Thank you for that info @BPDSurvivor . I'm ready to face things now, I've been running for toooooo long, I'm exhausted!