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Im scared

Angel80Senior Contributor05 Nov 2016, 7:23 pm AEDT

Im scared

I have spent the last 20 years of my life fighting to stay alive. I feel well for a couple of months, then I crash into a deep depression. I normally end up in hospital for a while, before having another period of being OK. I will then repeat the cycle, over and over again. I have had enough, I can't go on like this any longer. I now homeschool my daughter and I can't let her down. Her whole life I have failed her and my son. They have had to watch me go through the cycle of ups and downs. It has been so hard for them. Now my daughter needs me to be there for her and I believed I could. I thought that if I was determined and focused on staying well, that I could do it. The problem is that I can feel myself going down very rapidly and I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to be able to get hold of it. I am feeling so alone, like I am the only person in the world. I know that sounds so selfish but I just feel so empty. What can I do? I'm so scared

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In response to: Im scared

Unknown userMember05 Nov 2016, 9:05 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

Hi @Angel80,

I'm one of the moderators on the Forum, I just wanted to say welcome and thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

I know there are a number of members on the Forum who struggle with the intensity of managing mental health as well as parenting- it's such a big job. It's important you know that you aren't failing anyone. I think a lot of the time we place expectations on ourselves to be perfect in every way... We have to remember that we are only human- and humans in their very nature aren't perfect. Our parents weren't perfect either. We are all just struggling through the best we can!

I think it shows incredible insight and strength that you were able to recognise these patterns, get help in hospital, and have periods where you are well. That is an achievement. And then of course there's the fact you are here on the Forums reaching out for support from peers! An incredible act of bravery in itself. So I truly hope you find the support you are looking for. Please let us know if there's anything else we can do.

@Former-Member @Appleblossom @utopia @Faith-and-Hope, thought some of you might have some insight or guidance for @Angel80 if any of you are free 🙂

In response to: Re: Im scared

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Nov 2016, 10:24 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

Hi @Angel80

While the cycles you have described are not my experience, it is something that many other people here on the forums experience also. You are not alone, and it is important that you know you are not alone.

Others will respond when they are able to, with personal experiences and advice of their own. I just want to say a big welcome to the forums .... let us walk along with you .... check in with us and let us know how you're doing .... from what others have written from lived experience I think it can help you to moderate the lows by knowing there are others here you can reach out to at all hours ... and it is helpful to find people who have experienced what you do and understand what you're going through.

You're not failing anyone .... you're coping .... and that is strength and perseverance.

Keep on swimming ....

🌷💜. F&H

In response to: Im scared

Angel80Senior Contributor05 Nov 2016, 10:34 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

Thanks F&H. Just knowing that someone has taken the time to notice me and what I am going through is amazing. I have never found it easy to talk to others, hence me feeling so alone. So thank you for your time. I look forward to many more posts. These forums might just be what I need to help me to cope. 😇

In response to: Im scared

Unknown userMember05 Nov 2016, 10:50 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

Hi @Angel80,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I struggle with depression and personality disorders and find it really difficult to stay even. I'm always cycling between being ok for a few days to really finding it hard to hold on. I have 4 sons, only one who is dependent as the others are young adults. I feel like I have let them down to, it's so hard not to think this when we compare ourselves to other parents. I guess there is upsides and downsides to all this. It seems like my sons have developed a good sense of empathy and compassion. Sometimes they are angry that their mum is AWOL and not there for them and sometimes they are supportive and compassionate about it. I can't change any of it and I just try to help them and reconnect during the good times. Im really sorry I haven't any advice to offer you because I'm struggling with this at the moment too. It sounds like you are doing the very best to be a good mum. I'm sure your kids think you are too.

In response to: Re: Im scared

RedrawSenior Contributor05 Nov 2016, 10:51 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

I tend to see it as buildup apposed as to cyclical, we tend to suppress, repress, and push all stressors and pains and agrivations deep down then comes the moment a word, a sound, a smell an anything creates that craaaaaaaaaaaaaack within and we crumble into a shapeless amorphous mass of raw unexpressed feeling and though in general it still remains inside hidden from view what goes unseen cannot be seen known or even imagined by anyone.

You are fighting you may have setbacks that will happen try not to kick yourself to hard for these occurances as of course that will begin the buildup all over again, try to use any relaxation and meditative tactics you can and try to go a bit easier on yourself

In response to: Re: Im scared

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor05 Nov 2016, 10:58 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

The forums have meant a lot to me @Angel80.

A number of us wander backwards and forwards between the Carers and the Lived Experience forums. My story is that I'm walking along with a husband who is in denial with an eating disorder. The chaos that has brought down on us causes situational depression and we have had to develop strategies, the kids and I, to deal with this on a daily basis .... huge learning curve .....

Denial means no diagnosis .... no diagnosis means no treatment .... so we have to pull together, focus on self-care, pacify him as much as we can, and persevere. Forum friends encourage and support me through the struggles and the tougher days.

Helping each other to hang in there ....

Take care

😏💕

In response to: Im scared

utopiaSenior Contributor05 Nov 2016, 11:54 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

@Angel80. You are definitely not the only person who struggles like this or feels this way.
I had a workplace incident over 2 years ago - which just changed my life in the most dramatic and quick fashion.
I went from a job that I loved. With staff I enjoyed working with. Clients that I truly loved. And work that I was really good at.
Since then I've been on Workcover.
Diagnosed PTSD, depression and anxiety. I have been a single parent for the past 12 of my sons 14 years.
I was lucky and got successful treatment for my PTSD last year. No more debilitating panic attacks that would freeze me to the spot.
But then came the anger over how work didn't protect me & just made my life a living hell after the incident. And the anger I felt - because my son lost his mum for 2 years.
The depression hit really bad earlier this year. I booked into hospital.
The guilt I felt about my 'shit' parenting, what I had put my son through, what it was doing to him, how much pain and confusion I had caused him - was the most intense and worse feeling of my life.
So I totally understand where you are coming from.
In hospital I'd attend all the group therapy sessions. I wanted to be better. I kept hearing all this lingo - all these stupid affirmation type sayings.
Just sit with your thoughts
Empty your mind
Let the thoughts come and just go.
What the!!!
It almost felt like I was in a cult the first week.
But then on day 13 - I went to a group called Distress Tolerance eg: Emotional Discomfort. They wanted us to replace our negative self talj with positive self talk. How to do this?And I had the biggest light bulb moment.
The majority of my negative self talk - was all about how crap I was as a mum. So how could I change this? Because I 100% agreed with all of my negative self talk. But I thought - you know, I would never, ever let anyone speak to my son, my mum or my best friend the way that I talk to myself. I wouldn't alliw anyone to say even 1% of what I'd be telling myself to my loved ones.
So I went to my room and wrote up 2 pieces of paper.
1: I wrote down just some of the negative comments I tell myself daily about my parenting.
2: The positive talk about my parenting. Nope. Had nothing to write on the page. But then I thought. My best friend has known me for over 35 years & she has said some nice things about my parenting. Si I started writing those down.
* I tell him every night I love him
* u go without so that he can Participate in activities that he likes - sport and music.
* how I have raised him to be kind añd smart.
etc etc.
I filled 1 & 1/2 Pages. It was cathartic.
Did my negative self parenting talk stop.
NO. But every single time it came into my head - I read my positive parenting list in full. Sometimes I read it 10 times a day.
And do you know what happened?
In less than a week - that negative talk stopped. I hear it every now and then. A sift whisper. But I telk it to shut up. And it does.
So now, if I have a hard ard psychiligist or psychiatrist I r WorkCover session and I'm exhausted & I sleep for 17 hours straight (it's happened). Yes I say sorry to my son. But I am not guilty any longer. Because I did not choose to sleep for that long. I did not choise to have a mental illness, where there were weeks I couldn't look after myself - let alone my son. I did not choose or deserve any I f what I've been through. So I will no longer accept any guilt for what I cannot control.
What I can control now - is knowing when I'm about to sink into my vortex of depression & I make plans with my mum or my best friend or one of my sons friends parents to have him overnight or a few days. So I make sure he is safe.
And do you know what? Aside from the pain my MI caused him - I'm glad I got sick. Because now he sees me fight and struggle and not give in. He sees my victories. He seesmy mentak hhealth improving.
And I think that is a positive that alk of us living with Mental Illness can teach our kids.
Sorry for the essay. I type how I speak. A lot.
You are not alone.
You are a great mum.
Your child will be okay. ♥♥

In response to: Im scared

Unknown userMember06 Nov 2016, 1:12 am AEDT

Re: Im scared

hi @Angel80

I feel a bit the same. I have two kids, (5 and 8). i still just feel as though i am just surviving. and like you, have been cycling through the up and down pattern because there is just so much going on in my life.

I hope that by being here perhaps some of the lonliness will ease a bit. i've been feeling overwhelmed the last few days. i have tried to keep to my schedule/list of thing that i need to do. i think if i can just get through each day at some point the feelings will pass maybe. is there anything that helps you to just keep going? you've gotten through this before, keep in mind how strong you are. I wish i had more answers... for us both.

keep looking after you,

In response to: Re: Im scared

AppleblossomSenior Contributor07 Nov 2016, 8:38 pm AEDT

Re: Im scared

Hello @Angel80

I have had 2 periods where I did homeschooling. It is an extra challenge and yes it can get isolating as it focusses the time on just your daughter and you and you dont have the distractions of other people. It can also be quietly bonding. You can honestly choose how to spend a lot of your time. You dont have to waste time dealing with other people's difficulties.

That was years ago, now I have met lots of homeschoolers. We do it for different reasons. Your daughter is lucky that you are able to support her with it.

Have you managed to tapp into any homeschool social or support groups?

In response to: Re: Im scared

MadroosterContributor08 Nov 2016, 9:44 am AEDT

Re: Im scared

Hi Angel,

Like you, I'm new to this forum - and struggling to come to terms with how I feel and where I can get help -or at least an understanding ear.

One thing that has encouraged me is reading through the forum topics, the number of people who share the daily struggles I do makes me aware that I'm not alone and that is something that was significant to me. I showed me that there is nothing "wrong" with me - I am who I am - and I have my own issues to deal with - as does everyone else on this forum.

The advise seems logial and heartfelt. In my case there is a definate need for me to get in touch with another phych after an initial attempt failed to help.

Float your feelings and take in the feedback - knowing that people are offering it as their support to you and how youre feeling.

Keep fighting!

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