TW: mention of suicide

Today I went to Tafe. It took a lot for me to go, especially as I was having what I'd call a BPD episode. But at the same time, I don't know if I was....there is a lot going on. Marriage failing, feeling alone and unloved, court stuff, family stuff and more....too much for me to deal with and I am breaking inside.

But I made myself go. But...not long after my Tafe teacher went around the room to check in with everyone and see how they are going with studies. She came to me first. She asked me how I was and I said 'not great'. She said is it to with 'noname' (anon purposes). And I was confused and said 'sorry what to do with 'noname''...she then told me this person has taken their life. I burst into tears. I was so saddened by this news but I think everything I have been dealing with also came out. Because only just last week I took too many pills myself and have been having very bad suicidal ideation (ideas and plans). I could barely pull myself together. For another time, but I received ABSOLUTELY no help...

I ended up talking to her about things and she gave me her mobile number. She said if I feel like that again, to message her. I don't know how I feel about that. Should I message her (if I need someone to talk to)? She has her own family, I wouldn't want to burden her with my sh*t. But, she offered and told me to....

I did txt her later on and said sorry for being so emotional and thanked her for sitting with me.

She said that I didnt and said 'anytime' and to keep in touch.

Now me and my BPD don't know what to do. I have a problem with getting attached to people (not always intentionally)....I don't want to cross boundaries. I like her and look up to her as she's a bit of a boss lady. But solely for the purposes of being suicidal or wanting to hurt myself, should I turn to her? Would you?

She mentioned things like helping me access NDIS, helping with speaking to other services, possibly being able to help with employment. I don't know if she is the type to follow through with those things, because with my dealings with other people, they say these things but then don't actually. She mentioned about how Ive been treated with the MH services and that nobody should feel like this (which I totally agree and not just for myself). But I am an unmedicated, unsupported MESS. I have BPD, C-ptsd and as a result I'm a major depressive who has many other f*cking issues. I'm worried that because she showed me some 'niceness' (don't know what other word to use) that im going to get attached.

Because of the SI, I did wonder should I msg her letting her know Im still having these thoughts....I don't think i can....I feel like a burden and what can she really do....?

But I think about the lady I know taking her life and how she perhaps felt like this too and felt like she can't reach out...what if she didn't intend to actually commit suicide and it was something gone too far...what if she had someone reach out to her like this....

I feel like such a mess inside. My eyes hurt with how much Ive cried by myself today. My head hurts and I'm a broken mess. I'm too overwhelmed with things.