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existing with autism. tw mentions of suicide

whatsanameNew Contributor12 Apr 2023, 8:16 pm AEST

existing with autism. tw mentions of suicide

hi,

things are kinda hard rn and i feel like a lot of small life things are piling on me.

im autistic and ive only gotten my diagnosis a few years ago now but its shifted the perspective of my life a lot, all the 'weird' things i did werent weird but i was treated unjustly for my entire life. everyday i learn new things about why i do the things i do and... it's really hard just existing as a neurodivergent person. its so hard just being. i hate it. wearing clothes is difficult cause the fabric feels too harsh on my skin, i spend every moment in public making sure im masking correctly cause im afraid ill be judged, i worry im being too picky or pushy or anything when things have to go MY way or otherwise i'll freak out. overstimulation is the worst.

rn im in uni for the first time and ive lost all my writing abilities from school so writing the simplest essay is suddenly so difficult for me and idk. i know my uni has things that can help me and extensions and stuff. like, i know what i need to do for my assessments but i need to actually write it. if i take a break to eat or something i feel so guilty and i know it doesnt help my case and i need to eat and i just gotta write a crappy draft first and then i can edit it to be good but its just a lot.

existing is a lot.

i think about suicide a lot. i dont actually want to do it and i wont. i am safe.

i just want life to stop.

but it cant stop.

even if i went to a mental hospital to have a mental break once i leave for the real world again, everything that i left wouldve kept moving on so i'd be behind and get stressed again cause id need to catch up.

uni course goes for 4 years, ive already passed the census date so if i quit id have to pay money and i dont want/cant do that.

idk what im asking for. idk what needs to happen. i am just existing and its a lot.

2 replies

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In response to: existing with autism. tw mentions of suicide

tymeModerator12 Apr 2023, 8:27 pm AEST

Re: existing with autism. tw mentions of suicide

Hi there @whatsaname ,

It takes a lot of strength to be able to reach out in a way which you have. We acknowledge how hard it is for you right now. I hear your pain and how painful the thoughts are.

I appreciate your honesty through your post. As much as a diagnosis may help you understand your behaviours, I hear it does not take away the pain of reality - that is, that you have a whole world waiting ahead of you.

One thing I have found super helpful in the past was having a reasonable adjustment plan with uni. I did not have to submit paper work each time I needed extra time, support or adjustments made. That reasonable adjustment plan helped me get through uni. It helped HEAPS in fact.

Would you consider asking uni for reasonable adjustments to be made? Also, remember, your fees include student support services. If you need help, you are welcome to reach out to them.

You are not alone.

Once again, thank you for trusting us enough to share what's happening for you right now.

Take care, tyme

In response to: existing with autism. tw mentions of suicide

TideisTurningSenior Contributor13 Apr 2023, 2:11 pm AEST

Re: existing with autism. tw mentions of suicide

Hi @whatsaname & welcome to the forums 👋 I'm TideisTurning, one of the Peer Support Workers here you might see around from time to time. I just wanted to stop by and say that I hear you and echo @tyme a little in letting you know you’re not alone with your struggles. Trying to exist in a world that's not set up for you and your needs is exhausting, as is both feeling a need to mask and hide aspects of yourself, and the process of masking/hiding itself. As you've said yourself, that is a lot! 💙

We run Peer Group Chats every week here led by peer workers as a discussion space to come together and explore ideas and experiences about mental health related topics. You’re more than welcome to join in if you’d like to, or contribute to discussion in the threads if that feels easier for you at this stage. This week’s topic is Cultivating Courage and Resilience. You can find more about Peer Group Chats generally here. Take Care, and again, welcome!

TideisTurning 🌸

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