Complex PTSD - struggling to handle it

@Sidney

I am big on understanding and processing trauma.

There are times I still need to go into foetal position in bed and rock or go into a freeze mode and be very still. I do not resist it now or feel guilty. I realise it is a need and do it as soon as I am aware if it is possible. In the early 1980s I did primal therapy and have both theoretical study, meditataion and done various body work. I respect downward titration of meds and doing that myself.

Last week I had panics about being too intense, and patiently teased it out with people involved and think I may have finally come to a place where I can be the whole me, the vulnerable me as well as the stronger musicmaking part. It was a small music ensemble. I blurted some truths and instead of being rejected, they contained it, one had a long chat on the phone, and another thought it good food for thought.

I do not know what happened for you, but goodwill can go a long way with the right people.

@Appleblossom @Thanks for commenting. The people I feel

i’m being overly intense with keep ‘showing up’ but it is getting nervy at my end. Allowing myself to feel the trauma let alone express it in front of others is the exact opposite of what I’ve been trying to do my whole life. I’m glad you’re in favour of reducing meds. I’ve taken them for something like 28 years and believe that I would be much further down my path of healing if I hadn’t been told to take meds and had instead been directed to a good therapist. In all honesty I liked the numbness for a long time. No longer is that the case. It’s good to know I’m not the only one on this journey. It’s a difficult path to walk. I try to take one day at a time and honestly I feel different every day so have no choice but to take it one day at a time. I hope it evens out eventually. Thanks

@Sidney

Sounds as if you are on a good path.

In the situation I mentioned I have something else that keeps the group going in making music together, so I have something else than 'my story' (it just popped out). It is probably good to have other present day reasons to relate ... to move into a future together. However expressing some of my trauma in their presence was essential for me to fell being connected to myself and authentic. Like you I have stuffed my feelings down and kept things under wraps for a long time.

" believe that I would be much further down my path of healing if I hadn’t been told to take meds and had instead been directed to a good therapist".

Totally Totally.

I believe there should be more regulation in prescribing and poisons scheduling to encourage doctors to titrate down more. High doses should only be temporary. They should also drop the "its not working" concept as an excuse to experiment and juggle polypharmacy. They should drop the poor doctor has only 8 minutes to see someone and their books are full. Getting people off medication and healthier will empty their diaries and they will be able to give people due diligence... and help HEAL.