I feel like I’m just existing these days and still feel I don’t have an identity/romantic fp problem

Hi there @NWW92

Welcome to the forums, it's so great to have you here. Thank you for sharing your story, it takes a lot of courage to reach out and ask for support.

I think with all of the interacting we do online these days a lot of younger people may feel the same as you when it comes to socialising. I'm wondering how you feel about seeking out a community type group that meets face to face that may help you to gain some skill in socialising? This could help your self-esteem which would in turn help your worth be not so dependent on your fp. I'm sure you have some wonderful qualities and strengths. Sometimes it helps to just grab a notebook and write those down. We can be quite hard on ourselves especially when we have been diagnosed with a mental health issue.

It sounds like your relationship with your fp causes quite a bit of worry and sadness for you. Can you see if it will one day improve and you will have more contact with her? Could there be some ways you could stay in touch more often?

It sounds like you've really come a long way in terms of improving your lifestyle. All of those things are so positive for your wellbeing, both physical and emotional. You should be so proud of those changes you've made.

Oh and never apologise for a 'long' post. Your words are very valid and I hope others can chime in and offer some words of support.

Sending warm wishes

Hanami

Thank you for your reply to me @hanami

I have been thinking about getting out there and meeting new people to keep my mind busy as well as making new friends for a while… I do believe this would help me a lot but I just don’t know how to or perhaps I’m too scared too. I would like to perhaps meet other people with BPD to get more insight on the disorder and make new connections. I feel very isolated in this world of social media and the way society seems to be these days… I just feel it is a lot harder to make new friends now more than ever…

As for my FP (the woman I love and miss dearly), I have not heard from her for 6 weeks at this point. The only way I can get communication with her is via text…. And it seems even that is too much for her now. I do not own her, she has her life and she has a lot of issues going on in her life that has rendered her physically and emotionally unavailable, I know this.

But I also know there’s going to come a time where I am going to have to literally force myself to let it go and move on. But I feel at least I’ll need to send her one final message to say goodbye and how I feel… I just cannot just leave it with no ‘ending’. I do not want to burn the bridge nor do I want to demonise her because that’s not right. I want to give it more time because I care about her a lot and I really liked being with her, but this whole constant thing of worrying when or wether or not I’ll hear from her again (let alone even see her again) is really starting to take it’s toll on me. I can’t help but feel inadequate and disposed of… and I often worry wether or not she’s even alive!…

But again, I know I must get myself out of this cycle as soon as I can. Theres only so much advice people can give me on this as I know what I need to do but I’m still too afraid to implement the action… I hope that I gather the strength to do what I need to do for my wellbeing 💔

I am trying to learn to be more open about myself and my feelings… it’s not easy because of the stigma of BPD as well as being a male (in a society where men with emotional health problems are considered ‘weak’ and ‘undesirable’) but I’m trying my best to overcome those nonsense beliefs.

I really do appreciate your kind words and input. Thank you so much 🖤

Hi @NWW92

I hear so much goodness in your reply to me. While you have sadness and fear in there, I also 'see' someone with a lot of hope and self-awareness. I really think you are a wise person and have the 'tools' to move forward. Yes fear can hold us back so so much. I have experienced that myself, especially when I was younger. It sounds like working on ways to work through that fear is really the way you can 'break free' from your shackles of anxiety. Like it might always be there in some way but learning how to live with it there in the background can be so rewarding. Basically accepting the way things are but knowing you can live a good life regardless.

I do see what you're saying being male and having BPD. It can seem like women are the ones who are diagnosed more often for sure. And I agree, men can be seen as weak when they show emotion but I really think that is changing with younger generations. I see it in my own children who are now young adults.

I'm going to tag one of our amazing members who has insight and lived experience of BPD. They may be able to offer support and give you more specific direction. Also if you do a search of BPD in the search bar you can find other threads where it's talked about.

I hope you keep reaching out here on the forums, it will be super nice to have you here.

Hanami

@BPDSurvivor

Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply to me, that is very kind of you. I am doing the best I can to keep moving forward in life and overcoming my disorder to make myself a life worth living…. And I won’t stop even when I am in moments of complete despair.

I will continue to try and reach out when I’m able to.

I hope to perhaps help spread awareness for men with BPD (and just BPD in general) as I feel the more knowledge people have, it will help us feel more comfortable opening up and seeking support which will help a lot more in getting through these painful struggles in life.

Thank you @hanami 🖤

I think that's an amazing idea to spread awareness about men with BPD. I admire your motivation and strength!

@NWW92