struggling

hi @tryingmybest01

welcome to the Forums.

You mentioned rage taking over... where is this coming from? What does this feeling relate to? What is happening inside you?

I'm wondering, also, if you've seen a health care professional yet that you can talk to about this? ... You might be going through something rather common and treatable like BPD, and even a GP could be a good place to start in addressing whatever it is...?

hey, yeah i’ve been to a gp and to therapy and i’ve brought it up because i do believe it could be bpd but they don’t take it seriously when i have brought it up. they think it’s because i’m feeling lost in life. i have been diagnosed with adhd so they think it might be stemming from that but i know it goes well beyond that. my childhood wasn’t exactly smooth and it’s contributed to my mental health now. it’s hard because i feel like they don’t understand no matter how much i try to explain to them that something just isn’t right. on the outside i seem very put together, outgoing and I’m generally a kind person to everyone i meet and I’m open minded but i struggle daily with regulating my emotions and sometimes it just takes one small thing to send me into the deep end. i try to keep myself composed until i’m away from others though but when i have these meltdowns it’s like a jekyll and hyde scenario and i feel extremely guilty afterwards or sometimes it’s hard for me to remember them. it’s very hard for me to pinpoint exactly where it’s coming from because i feel like it’s a variety of things but i also tend to invalidate my own feelings. i journal everyday to try to make sense of my thoughts but that can cause me to spiral sometimes too.

@tryingmybest01

That all sounds like you are going through a lot of things all at once. My daughter would rage a bit like that around that age (she just got diagnosed with ADHD). I feel bad that I didn't realise it sooner. Lots of kids with ADHD find it hard to make strong connections, do you have medication for ADHD? It is when the meds wear off?

Putting on a mask is really hard, we all do it to some extent but it can be really really tough to keep that mask on all the time. I had to when I lived with my birth family, I refuse to in my own home these days. Holding down emotions until they erupt isn't good for us or those around us.

There are a few resources out there that describe the differences between CPTSD and BPD as they can look very similar from the outside and what you said about invalidating yourself is a very common thing to do.

You are seeing a professional, doing the work, trying your best, so you are really doing very well but this work is hard and it takes the time it takes. Be kind to yourself and find lots of self soothing things that work for you.

I'm sorry to hear that @tryingmybest01

Finding the right people who feel like a fit for you - in terms of health care and dr's etc - can be frustrating and take considerable time. Unfortunately.

It sounds like you're being as self sufficient in dealing with this as much as you know how, and are still coming up against limitations... You're wanting extra help, and it sounds to me like you need it, too!

Keep knocking at those doors. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, they say. Don't give up on seeking the extra support you need. Go back to your GP. Make your case, respectfully. There may be a medication that can help level you out so that you can get on with your greater 'mental health plan.'

Mention that to your Dr, too.