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New

Unknown userMember10 Apr 2023, 8:53 pm AEST

New

I've not done this before so sorry if this isn't formatted the way it should be.

I am in my late 20s, and have experienced widespread chronic pain for for about 14 years now.

The pain itself is not particularly well-managed and the condition causing it cannot be 'cured' and, by its nature, will continue to worsen.

I function somewhat, with part-time work and lots of recovery time but some days are better than others.

The pain has reached a new level with a suspected underlying cause but not sure what (yet... I hope). It makes everything more challenging than before and, more often than I'd like, it gets the better of me.

I don't think I ever really 'accepted' the fact that this will be with me forever and that I won't get to have the life I wanted/was supposed to have/that society says is right or normal. I know things don't always go to plan and that is fine but I struggle when it feels like nothing is going to plan and everything is overwhelming. I often find myself wish I could take a break (from life, from responsibilities, from illness) just to rest and 'be' for a while so that I could at least have some energy to deal with it all when I came back.

I don't know what I am expecting or hoping to get out of this but figure it is worth a try.

I have enjoyed (for lack of a better word) reading your stories and hearing your thoughts in other forums. It is nice to see a space where people can express what they are experiencing in a safe and healthy manner and be supported by peers.

Hope you are all happy and as well as can be.

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In response to: New

OwlunarSenior Contributor01 May 2023, 11:52 pm AEST

Re: New

Hi @MDT

I have yet to look at any Nietzche - I always seem to have something happening in my life - I never have time to get bored - but still - I did think about a poem I read at university - En 101 - The Love Song of J Arthur Prufrock. You can type that into your browser and read the whole poem - it's about a geeky guy trying to get up courage - I love that poem - oh yeah - T S Eliot.

That's where those words I quoted in my last post come from.

And indeed there will be time to prepare a face to meet the face that we meet

Time to murder and create

Time for a hundred decisions and revisions that a minute will reverse.

That whole poem means so much to me - I was at a bistro one night and I was looking at the buffet and I said out loud "Do I dare disturb the universe" - a quote from that poem - and the man beside me said - "Go ahead - you can only do it once" - I replied - "Do what once? Live or die or partake of this less than sumptuous banquet"

I went on quoting lines from that poem while this really good-looking man followed me around and we started a friendship that lasted for 9 years - I have been socially confident but geeky so that poem and what I said really worked - and I had no idea how I came across - he was intrigued.

It didn't last - somethings don't - but I value the experience to this day though that night was 30 years ago.

I guess we never do know how we come across - if our motives are true then it doesn't matter - I was being my total self that night - and what we had was special until it ended.

So masks was where I started - I know I wear one from time to time - not the blue one that the medical centres I attend require still - just an assumed attitude until I feel if I can fit in. There are the frozen features of someone trying to be someone else though - it's really hard to get to know them. From what I read you are a really decent person - fear not - I wish you the best in your new home too - my young friend

Owlunar

In response to: Re: New

MDTSenior Contributor02 May 2023, 5:12 pm AEST

Re: New

Hi @Owlunar
I must admit that your message has caught me off guard in a good way.

The experience you mentioned reminds me of a tale I should share.

When I was in Warsaw in 2018 I was at a conference. The whole time I was there it was superb. I was amongst people from all over the world but mostly Europe who were interested in the same things I was. Politics, history, international relations.

While I was there I was completely smitten by a girl in the seminars with us. Because it was the first weekend of the conference I figured there was plenty of time to speak to her. Eventually someone who was there at the conference with me said she was married. And I actually remember actually feeling saddened by that fact. I think it was a good experience and I liked it, even though it was obviously not on to try and meet her etc. But I realsied recently that one of the reasons why I still look at that experience with a sense of nostalgia is because it was the freest and the fullest I had ever experienced life. I never went back to the conference but that's okay. It still taught me about myself. From that whole trip in fact I was able to learn so much about myself. And these lessons are key to growth as a person. That same growth and exp is what I'm channeling now by moving. It's a step towards growth as a soul and person.

I'm looking at the sunset now as I'm on the train writing this looking out west. I remember looking out west from the top of ONE tower in NYC at the sunset on that same trip.

I've realsied that a part of me DIDNT want to grow up. A part of me also wanted to grow up too though. I guess the past few months have been about that - learning to reconcile both and ask myself a deeper question - what is that I am afraid of and what is it that I can aim towards. There was an ego that needed curtailing and a genuine self that needed a boost.

One day I hope to travel with my partner to her home country. I have realised that if she is sent home by some stupid rule then I would actually be heart broken.. this is a sign of a deep connection. A sincere one - she used this word sincere to describe the first date we ever had. I got lost in her chocolate brown eyes and smile. I still do. I said to her every time we see each other its like we haven't seen each other for ages. Is this love? I think it is.

Life hey ?

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