I'm not coping

Hi,

I'm new here and really just need somewhere to vent where people might understand how messy my mind is. I've just gotten out of a 2 year abusive relationship after he verbally abused my kids. I'm struggling so much. I've removed him from the kids lives but I keep staying in contact and missing him and being terrified of him moving on and abandoning me even though I know it's not healthy for me. I just feel like I'm failing in life, I can't see any good in myself. I have a job, I'm studying and raising my children on my own and logically I know that's an achievement but inside I feel like the biggest unlovable loser and failure. All I want is to be loved and nobody ever loves me, it just makes me hate myself so much. I just don't know how to ever be happy and I'm nearing 40 years old, I hate the thought of being alone and depressed for the rest of my life. Has anyone else felt like this before? Nobody in my life understands, I'm just told to get over my ex instantly because of what he did and just move on and be happy. It doesn't help.