Kyle1Senior Contributor
Free Falling
This is day 3 without anxiety medication. I have been experiencing insomnia, and feeling very 'jumpy': hyper alert. I am forcing myself to barge through it, because I have appointments and appearances that I can not postpone. I've also tried, these past few days, self medicating a little with alcohol. I am aware of the inherent risks that come along with that, though I feel it is the most accessible option available, unfortunately. (I rarely enjoy the stuff, to be honest).
At my GP's recommendation I did finally have a consultation with a clinical psychologist, whom I have seen numerous times before. He assured me there was no psychological gimmick (quote, unquote) that he could offer to relieve my symptoms, and encouraged me back to my GP for continued tranquillisers.
That is another thing I rarely enjoy, but have found it necessary and beneficial none the less. Problem is, one can become dependant on this medicine, and both I and my GP are wary of that... Infact, I may already have developed such dependance - which could explain my insomnia...
So why don't I just return to my GP and ask for a renewed prescription? I am fortunate enough that I can get in to see her just about anytime I want, afterall...
Well, I hesitate to return and ask for more medication because I fear I might frustrate and disappoint her.
She has been really generous and good to me. I don't want to let her down.
So I am become Don Quixotie, out here fighting the windmills of my mind. To be fair, though, my challenges are not merely conflated circumstance. I do have actual issues. I think I've mentioned before...recently being diagnosed a brain tumor... Family separation... DV... Trauma... Homelessness... Now a single parent of three... Legal matters... Unemployment... All entirely new to me.
Still, my people-pleasing tendency is off the Richter scale at this stage... Yet without thoughts of others to fill my heart I am in a terrifying free fall. What's with that?? ....
