Malens Babble

I woke up after a couple hours sleep, my blood pressure isnt so bad now. I feel pretty lousy though, Im not dizzy but my head feels weird, I cant put my finger on it, I just dont feel right in the head. My back is pretty painful as is my shoulder. My head feels like there is a lot of tension maybe, its not pressure like I get, it almost feels like someone is poking my eyes from inside my brain.

Ive woken up again after another couple hours sleep, my head is pounding, it felt like a migrane so I took some of my migrane meds, which seems to have helped. Its amazing how quickly they work. My back is pretty sore, my shoulder isnt too bad. Im actually thinking of having something to eat. I know its 3:30am but who cares. I barely ate anything. I dont have many smokes left, I think Im going to go have some more sleep and then go into town.

I went into town and when I got back I went to sleep again. I had a bit of a hard time, I was really hot for a bit and then I got really cold, once I got cold and my quilt went on I was able to fall asleep. I got a couple hours and woke up again, I feel ok just a bit flat, my back is still sore but what the hell is new, my shoulders are ok. Im seeing things already, which isnt a great sign. My sister is on about pee on the toilet floor again, Dad actually admitted it was him this time, after all the times Ive coped it he basically got caught out and had to admit to it.

When I was coming down they were talking about Mum and her NDIS and that nothing had been done about anything since she got acceptance. But then it was all about me having supposed to step in and make sure its done, Im supposed to be keeping on top of it. I know Im her second but best of my understanding that meant that I could talk on her behalf, not take over if she doesnt do it. Had I known that was the case I would have said no. Its not that I dont care for my Mum, but I have enough shit going on, medically speaking, in my life as it is. My sister was on about me staying on top of things, like I should have been. I didnt really know I was supposed to be doing anything not to mention since she was accepted by the NDIS I have been in an extreme amount of pain, Ive barely been functionable. If they had kept up medically a shit tonne has been going on for me and Ive barely been able to keep on top of that. You can see me suffering, you can see me barely making it day to day, so if you think I should be doing more, at least talk to me and we can work something out. Maybe Dad, her carer, can spend some time with her and help her sort out what she needs to know and do, even if he tells me what Ive got to say in the phone call. What shits me more is my sister was all understanding and shit while I was going through the worst of it and now is turning around and doing this shit.

I said to Mum that I dont trust my sister with the pain stuff, with any of my medical stuff. I knew at some point it would change, that something would happen and the understanding and caring fasade would disappear and the real sister would take its place. Compassion etc only exists if benefits my sister, when it doesnt the real sister comes out. The one who believes she is worse off than everyone and therefore everyone elses issues dont matter, like they dont actually exist or shouldnt because only hers should. I dont know what it is, why she has to feel that she is worse off in every way than anyone else, why she has to feel like she is doing so much more than anyone else, why she feels like she is more hard done by than anyone else. Seriously, everyone in this family is in the shit in one way or another, we are all worse in one way or another, not that it really matters who is worse, we are all struggling, we do what we can, when we can. But she feels like she has the right to judge and determine who is worse off, who is faking it, etc.

Ive got my GP today and then my councillor, pretty much one after the other which means a very full on few hours. I dont feel well still, my stomach is still really gross, I still feel really bloated, I kinda feel like I need to go to the loo all the time but I dont, Im going regularly as it is. My head feels really heavy, its like Im trying to balance a big bag of sand on my head. While in general the pain isnt as intense in my back lately, I dont feel like its quite right. I cant put my finger on it, something just isnt sitting right, its almost as if my spine feels compressed, like its all wound up.

I dont trust my family, Im spending time with Mum each day and we talk, Im open with her and tell her what I think, Im not sitting and talking to her to agree with everything she says, if she isnt correct or out of line, I tell her. Im not going up with a list of things to talk about, to winge about what Dad and my sister are saying or doing, its just a general chat about anything. But I still dont trust her, I completely expect that she will spin what I say at some point when talking to my sister or my Dad. She goes on about her words being twisted and manipulated by them, but she is just about as bad. Dad and my sister are no different. They say stuff and then 5 seconds later they didnt say what they said or someone else said something different. Some of its probably true, Dad not telling Mum stuff, like he hadnt told her that he was borrowing money to pay for my car etc. He just doesnt talk, he doesnt communicate.

We were just talking about a few things, mainly to do with my sister and he said that she sees zombies and spooks etc walking around the house. Mum says she sees our dead dog and feels like my Nanna visits her. I hallucinate and I said to my Dady that my psychotic side is presenting strongly at the moment. I said to him that my sister and Mum should both be talking to a psychiatrist about what they are seeing/feeling. Dad didnt even blink when I said about my psychotic side presenting strongly, I said to him about freaking out when I lay down during the day and again, nothing. He doesnt get it, but more so he doesnt want to get it, he doesnt want to talk about mental health stuff. My theory is that he thinks its something demonic, devil stuff. He is very God/spiritual, very much on the battle between heaven and hell.

I had my doctors appointment, she is thinking vertigo for the dizzyness and some form of headache with the pressure in my head. She wants me to take random/regular BP readings to see if it has to do with that. I see her next week again and we will have a chat about it all then. But as she said its gonna come down to time for the most part, which Im really unhappy about, I have enough things Im dealing with that are all about waiting.

Mums blood pressure was pretty low yesterday and if it got lower or she felt worse she was to go to hospital. I went and checked on her this morning and she looked crap, I left her go as she wanted to keep sleeping. I went down and checked her again this afternoon and suggested she go to hospital, she said she just wanted to sleep. I told my sister and she says just to call an ambulance. A bit later on Dad came in and next thing she is on about Dad calling an ambulance, at no time, given it was her idea has she called an ambulance or even gone to see Mum. She cancelled all her appointments today and then went out and bought shit, she isnt well so go to your damn appointments, dont go shopping.

I had my councilling session. We went through all the stuff thats happened medically in past couple weeks. Then we talked about the disassociation that Im having and about my difficulty connecting and understanding my feelings. It was a pretty good appointment. Im well knackered now and in a bit of pain, Im not sure but I think Im getting another damn migrane. Ive taken some breakthough pain meds and going to go lay down for a while, hopefully get some sleep. If things progress and Im sure its a migrane Ive got some medicaition for that so I will take that and see how that goes. Mum must be up because my sister is down with her I think, unless she has gone out again. When I get up Ill go down and have a chat with her and see how she is.

I spent probably a couple hours with Mum now that shes up, shes fine, she was just tired. She didnt sleep well last night, she just kept dozing and waking up again. We just talked about shit, I mainly let her just talk, talk about what ever she wanted to, 1/2 Ive heard before but thats ok. We tend to understand each other on the health front a little more now days, more so how we are treated by Dad and my sister, like the expectations on what we do and how we are even though we are facing such huge health issues. Neither my sister or my Dad get it, they take OTC meds and for the most part they can continue, they can push through if its bad, maybe take it a bit slow. Im on massive amounts of opiods and other medications, Mums not as bad but close and thats just to get up and do whats required. If we want to do more than what is absolutly neccessary, it means pain, potential hospitalisation or ER visit, more pain relief, a day or two in bed you know the consequences can be massive and Dad and my sister just dont appreciate that, they dont appreciate the fear that causes.

Ive had to take another lot of pain relief and the medication for migranes, its not a full on migrane as yet, if it were I wouldnt be in front of a computer screen thats for sure but its not a headache, so I will give the medication a go. Ive taken my normal OTC pain killer as well, so Ive taken any medication I can for it, that I have so hopefully something works. Ive taken my night meds as well so it wont be long until I end up in bed.

I am finding it really difficult to deal with all the medical and mental health issues I have going now, some are long standing, have been exhaserbated or are new, there are a few new ones. Some arent constant, they are irregular, they come and go, some are there all the time, some are there all the time but get worse at times. I have a lot of medications which are taken daily or as needed, they deal with most symptoms, not all but most. For the most part they are there to minimise the impact of my issues but generally dont resolve or completely eliminate the symptoms. My whole life is a comprimise, do I do this at the expense of that or at the cost of that pain. At the moment pretty much every issue that can be an issue is being an issue. My migranes are making a comeback, Im back on my inhaler, mainly at night, Im having issues with eating, Im lucky if Im eating the equivelent of a meal a day, my stomach feels like shit and Im bloated 1/2 the time, my acne is really bad, I have a couple of boils but they arent too bad, spasms come and go, Im having issues sleeping, Im having anxiety issues, hallucinations are really regular, as well as other psychotic issues, Im in pain, Im so sick of the pain. As I said to my councillor, me and my emotions arent really well known to each other, I dont understand my emotions, I tend to push them down, its not that I dont want to deal with them, I learnt early on that they are a vunerability more often than not. But of late, they are making themselves known, they are coming up, Im not expressing them but they are impacting me and Im finding it really hard. Not understanding them, not relating to them, addressing them, let alone embrasing them is impossible and frustrating as they are so in my face. At the same time, I know I have become very dulled, almost immune to them. Im bland, I express nothing, emotionally I am very drained though. In every aspect possible I am exhusted. On that note, Im going to bed for a while.

I was going to go to bed, but as I got up I realised I was hungry, not a common occurance of late so I decided Id eat something. Im not overly suprised, Ive had quite a bit of pain relief and different kinds so its not an uncommon result for me. I still didnt eat a full serve, but I did eat a bit more than I have been at night, that said I barely ate anything today at all.

I feel pretty dopey now, normally I wouldnt leave it this long between taking my night meds and going to bed. I really ready for bed, I know if I dont go soon and push it further then there is a good chance Ill start to doze at the table and keep doing that for hours, so I best go to bed.

I slept for a number of hours without interuption, not that I can remember anyhow. I woke up feeling very out of it, I feel like my head is floating above my body, detatched from it. Im awake but I cant really make sense of things. Im pretty tired, Im gonna go back to bed shortly. Pain wise Im pretty good, my back is okish, shoulders are fine, the migrane has gone. I dont even feel sick and bloated. I am finding it hard to stay awake so Ill go to bed shortly, part of me wants to eat something but I think sleep outweighs food at the moment. I ended up having a couple of biscuits, thats seems to have hit the spot.

I ended up sitting at the table dozing like an idiot for a while before I went to bed for a little while. I didnt even sleep 2 hrs and I was up again. I was in pain, I couldnt lay down anymore. Im not dozy but I am closing my eyes a bit and my sister had a word about why I get up all the time and do the same thing. Ive told her before that sometimes I cant keep laying down and have to sit up but for some reason that isnt enough. She doesnt like me dozing at the table, which you know, she sleeps at the table and thats ok. But me dozing, or in this instance closing my eyes is an issue. Im not planning on being up long though, Ill have a drink, write a bit and go back to bed. My shoulder hurts quite a bit, thats what woke me up, its a little uncomfortable to type. My back hurts as well though its weird, its kinda coming and going which is unusual.

I dont have any appointments today, I have one tomorrow and thats it for the week. Im going to spend some time with Mum helping her with her NDIS stuff, Ill hopefully do some washing as well. But I aim on resting a bit, the last couple of days have been taxing.

I refrain from talking to my sister about my medical situation, but mentioned about migranes, being sick/stomach issues and she knows about my pain. Next thing she is making up a song about her headache, her stomach ache and how much pain she is in. I was a little dumb founded, firstly if you can make up a song and sing about it, its not so bad but mostly, really your going to rub it in that Im not the only one with a song. I know full well Im not the only one, part of the reason I dont talk about it to my family that much, but again we are talking about different things. Headache vs migrane, your stomach issues is due to your period, mine is because of well we dont know, my pain vs your pain. Its not a competition, I dont want what you got and you dont want what I got, so dont make up a little diddy to tell me about your issues, thats kinda lame.

I didnt sleep long, like an hour or so. I woke up because I kinda vomitted through my nose a bit, not enough to make a mess but enough to wake me up. Im kinda having the dizzy feeling but its not bad as yet. Im about to head into town to do some grocery shopping etc. My back is steadily getting worse, its not great at the moment, moving sucks. I reached out for my light remote and it hurt like crazy so I am assuming its not gonna be a fun day. Ive woken up to the realisation that the infection in my underarm is back, which sucks, its itch but very moist and stinks. I know how to treat it, which is easy it just reoccurs and will continue to do so.

I went in and did my grocery shopping, then off to the chemist. There was a training pharmacist working and I think I freaked her out a bit, just the amount and number of pain meds Im on, plus the other meds I take. Then the possible interactions of some of them just got her a bit concerned. The normal chemist reassured her it was all good and that I have been on them for a while. One of the potential issues is serotonin storm, Ive had that before, not keen to have it again but given how long Ive been on the meds I should be ok. When I got home, I was beyond stuffed, I still havent put the shopping away, im going to in a minute but Im just waiting on pain relief to kick in. My sister however is singing and making random stupid noises, Ive got media streaming going not that that was the major issue, she was driving me nuts. So I asked her to shut up, that was an issue and she banged on about me being rude for a while. Im not being rude, I just dont want to hear stupid sounds and made up songs.

I laid down for a while and woke up and just laid in bed, in bit of pain. When I got out of bed it hit me, agony, I can barely move, Im back to shuffling rather than walking. Turning my body hurts like shit. My shoulder is pretty damn sore as well. On a positive note my headache has gone. As soon as I saw my sister she was on about Dad talking to her like shit and Im the apple of his eye, which is hardly the case. My Dad does so much for my sister and she doesnt appreciate a thing, she doesnt seem to even seem to recognise all that he does for her. If he isnt doing stuff for her, he is doing stuff for Mum. So what if he talked to you like shit, you might have actually deserved it, the world doesnt bow down to her and everything revolve around her feelings. Sometimes she has done the wrong thing and needs to be held accountable, sometimes people get ticked off with you and you have to actually wear it.

It seems to have missed her just how much she has screwed everyone in this family financially. She has taken my Mum and Dad for a ride financially, she took money from Mums account without asking. She has claimed money as being owed unjustly, I mean no one can see how that money was owed to her. She claimed money owed from Mum for underwear etc for years gone past. I borrowed thousands to help her when she was in hospital, I lost even more from time off work. Then she keeps borrowing money from Mum until Mum says no more, its not for essentials etc its so she can keep buying crap, bags, clothes, etc. shes maintaining a lifestyle on borrowed money. She is getting Dad to buy essentials for her and not paying the money back to him. I stopped buying her anything without her card first or if she is buying via my Amazon she has to pay first.

I told my sister that she needs to do my damn statements, its been months we have been trying to get them. She promised to do them over the weekend and it was a bad weekend for her so Ive left it a few days. Now she is on about money I owe her she can prove on statements. I dont intend to not pay her what I owe, what I really owe but I need evidence of it, I need some proof and the bankruptcy will need proof. Im not just going to take her word for it. Now she has stormed off to Mum. Ive been thinking about it though, either she does it or I dont pay her, its that simple.

Mum has been finding my sister winging about my Dad and I constantly really difficult, so I told her to lay off for a while and that was an issue. You really cant say shit to her without it being an issue and I guarentee the way Mum will hear it I talked to her like shit.

Even Dad has said he isnt paying her any money back until he gets statements from her. She has lost all trust with everyone. What shits me is she is going on about this money, I had her card (I dont remember that), I bought stuff from her, I owe her for presents, what about all the money I spent just on McDonalds for her while she was in hospital, not to mention all the money I spent looking after her while she was in hospital.

Ive been speaking to Mum, she got upset, my sister had wound her up and done exactly what I asked her not to do, go to her and winge about shit constantly. I had to stop because I started to feel like I was on Mars again, looking at my life on earth. I hate the feeling, its really hard to focus on anything, everything seems so distant. My sister comes home with attitude about the damn statements and I told her that she just needs to get the statements that Dad has asked for and he can get what he needs from there. She carried on about he must know what I owe and I said no, she will have to tell him that. Thats not what you said and carry on ensued. Im in a world of pain, I cant work out whats going on around me and I lost it, seriously how hard is it to do some statements so people can pay you. But no it has to become a damn fight. Im doing all I can to make sure people are paid and I can get out of this shit that Im in and she is doing all she can to hinder that and I dont understand why.

I went and spoke to Mum for a while, I really just needed a hug. I came down and checked my blood pressure again 186/109, Im in a heap of pain and my head is scrambled mentally. I feel a bit dizzy and there is a fair bit of pressure in my head. I ended up in an Ambo and ER. Over time things settled and they let me out. Im still a bit dizzy, pressure has basically gone. I was in AF when they picked me up which is part of the reason I feel so bad. After the ambo was organised I put my head in and told my sister and she said nothing. When I got home, I saw her a couple times and got nothing. I think Im done though, like she is simply on her own. If she wants a coke from Maccas she can go in and get it, Im not going to. Im not going out my way, Im not going to make myself feel weird etc for her. Im not going to bite my tounge quite as much either, you know she is on about me taking advantage etc of her, well everyone but Im apart of that. She stilll hasnt even thanked me for eveything I did with her while she was in hospital etc. So honestly she can jam it.

I finally went to bed at 4am and woke again at 5:30am. Ill try and sleep again shortly. Im in heaps of pain, I feel really out of it, my head feels like a tonne of bricks. Im tired, Im struggling to keep my eyes open. I dont really want to sleep as it hurts so much to get in and out of bed and even sleeping isnt that great, its light and crap and almost pointless.

I went back to bed and got a bit more sleep. All up Ive had around 3 hours sleep. For now thats it, maybe Ill get some more later. BP is getting higher again. Pain is up there again/still. My head is heavy and I keep getting dizzy.

I went into town to get my normal stuff, Im home my back is really painful as is my left shoulder. Dad was up when I got home, he was sick last night and I asked if he was feeling better, but eventhough I got an ambo ride and was in ER for a bit last night he didnt check in with me at all. I wouldnt think thats a hard thing to do given the circumstances. Im gonna have my morning meds shortly and some pain relief, my back pain is just increasing pretty wildly. I put on a load of washing, when its done I think Ill try get a bit more sleep.

Last night my sister was on at my Mum about being used and people not paying back what they owe or something. Basically saying that she shouldnt have to wear any costs for her being in hospital, we should just accept how much she says we owe etc. I think thats the problem with the statements, she either is going to be proved that I dont owe the money that she is claiming, well all of it or she shouldnt have to prove to anyone how much I owe and what she says should be enough. What ever the reason her dumb ass robbed herself of 4 or 5 grand by not doing as asked and allowing me to submit a proposal for work to cover those costs via the EAF grant. I think she did it on purpose, I think she thought that Mum would make me pay it regardless and that didnt work out for her. That to be honest is part of the reason I want statements etc so she doesnt add some of the money from when she was in hospital, because Im not paying that.

My sister has a real issue with me, she has ever since she got out of hospital. For about 6 months I was with her everyday pretty much in hospital helping her, she went into hosptial and I essentially put my life on hold for her, I gave up everything, I gave up meals and I let my own health/mental health take a back seat and get a lot worse. When she came home, I had to pull back, I had to start looking after myself and since then she seems to have had an issue with me, like I didnt have a right to do that or I should just keep going because she still needed/wanted me to help her. The fact that if I had kept going, if I was forced to keep pushing my mental health to the side I would have killed myself, I was pretty close to it when I started pulling back. I still struggle with it now, pretty much on a daily basis. Ive been screwed over financially by my sisters hospital time, medically and mentally and she doesnt see any of it. I would do it all again for her, or I would have but there isnt any appreciation for what I did or what I gave up. She wants every penny she has lent to me but not taking into account all the money I spent on Maccas for her, all the drinks I bought etc.

I had a shower, while I was walking to the shower my sister was on about the $20 fuel she put into my car cause there was no fuel when she wanted to drive it, given she had been driving it and was about to drive it more, I saw no issue with her putting in $20 fuel but its become an issue. An issue that has pushed me over the edge, especially combined with her not even checking if I was OK when the ambulance came last night, I got home or this morning, she hasnt said a word to me. So, when I spoke to Mum after my shower I explained that I have had enough and that Im not allowing myself to be in a position to be hurt more or again so she is on her own completely, Im not doing shit for her until she makes some changes and comes to some realisations. She has a lot of work to do to get me back on side again. All the shit she has and says about me to Mum, the wedge she drove between us etc and the shit she says about me and to me Im done. I told Mum that if she has another stint in hospital I wont be involved. Im not doing what I did this last time. I also said to Mum now that we are actually talking about things, if she has an issue or concern about what I am doing she is free to talk to me about it. While she was just listening to my sister she could go jump but if Im involved Im willing to come to the party and talk. I said to her that while I dont hold a grudge, Im not like unforgiving Dad but I do have an issue that he kept us in the town we grew up in. It was a couple hours away from the city, where family and friends where, but I didnt have a good experience with school, I was beaten up regularly, I had no friends, it wasnt a great school for me acedemically and yet he still didnt move the family. No one other than him wanted to live where we were, so we stayed. I think that was wrong of him, he really put himself ahead of the rest of us, he allowed me to go to a school where I was unsafe, to be socially isolated and not develop those skills at all, because he liked it there.

Ive got an appointment with my support person in an hour, once thats done Im definately intending on going to bed for a bit. I only got 2.5hrs sleep last night, pain, thinking, my sister etc were all on my mind and an issue and I couldnt sleep and even when I did I would wake up after not very long so given I dont sleep well normally, such a bad sleep has made it worse and Im really stuffed. I would have deferred it but Ive done that once already so I dont think thats fair. Im on the phone to my health insurance trying to pay my premium, it was still linked to the bills account but since all my money stuff changed etc I havent been using it. There is an automated service but they want a 7/8 digit # where I only have a 6 so I cant use the automated, Ive been waiting like 30min for someone to answer. Ive been doing it online normally but they have changed things and the payment gateway hasnt been included yet.

My sister has told my Mum she isnt talking to me or Dad and it would appear that she has move to her desk in her room. I dont know if she thinks this is a punishment for us or atleast me. She is finally quiet, not interupting me every five seconds with BS etc. I was gonna say I dont like her being sad/mad etc but on this occassion I dont care, she needs to get her head out her arse and appreciate what is being and has been done for her, realise the expense that has come at for me, financially and medically and stop playing one person against another within the family for her own amusement and benefit. This time she is the one with the issue and attitude that is out of line so if she is sad/mad she only has to look within to resolve it.

The amount that I am hurt by my sister is immense, I know its coming out in anger, but its hurt. As I said I dropped everything for her for 6 months, I was there for her at my own expense when no one else was, when I was being told not to be and to go back to work, when I was in massive pain, when I was having procedures, when I was dealing with physical health issues, with worsening mental health issues. I just stood by her for nearly 6 months and its not appreciated, in fact I didnt do enough, I was selfish when I stopped to protect myself. Months later Im still being treated like shit because of this. Money wise, she knows Im going bankrupt, a clear indication I have stuff all money. But I am still doing all I can to work out what I owe you so that I can pay everything I owe you as quickly as I can. All I needed was the statements and a list of what was owed. I mean I needed the statements from what was spent on caring for her out of her money so I could put a claim in under the EAF and she would have been paid for that and she chose not to. Im not paying that though. The $20 fuel for the car. No matter what I do its not enough, Im not thinking of her enough, Im not giving her enough, Im not doing enough. If I say anything negative towards her, I correct her, I give her an opposing opinion, I stickup for myself Im talking nasty to her, if you yell at her then wow, you cant do that, she is too precious to be yelled at. Even if you seem to be doing everything right, you are talking to her regularly and plesently, she is going behind your back complaining and winging to Mum about something you did or didnt do. Winging to Mum is an almost constant thing, there is always something Im doing that doesnt meet my sisters approval.

What hurts as much or maybe more is all this exists with her knowledge of how unwell I am both mentally and physically. You know the story Im not great but this isnt enough to even give me a break if I snap at her, that goes to Mum. I can be in agony, as I often am, I can be on huge amounts of pain relief as I am just about always, dealing with psychotic issues etc. and she feels that she is being hard done by because I told her to shut up. For the most part I reign it in, I handle my issues well. I dont bang on about constantly, I dont try to bring everyone else down because of it, I get on with my life as best I can but if Im having a bad day and I fail to be my best she is on it quick and Mum is involved within minutes. Rather than what she expects from everyone else which is just to be understanding. Thing is she doesnt think my issues are as bad as I say, any of them or its my own fault. According to her Im not in as much pain as I say, I dont know what real pain is, but she does. My mental health issues arent nearly as bad as hers etc. etc. So I should be doing more, I should push through and do more. Shes the same with Mum. There is no understanding, its assumed she and Dad know how much we can and should be doing, I tell them what my doctors etc say and they dont believe what Im saying. For a while she will act like she cares and that she understands but it seems that its a means to an ends or shes mad at Mum and/or Dad so Im all thats left.

I think I said earlier that shes not talking to me, shes mad with me over something, all the above. She is gonna learn some hard truths hear on in. Im not really gonna be holding back. Ill be polite and pleasent but Im not buying stuff for you. Im not touching your card. I got told by Mum today that my sister has told her that I was just taking her card out her purse without asking, which is a complete lie, so no Im not touching your card again. You need something get it yourself or organise someone else, Im done. Shes on her own with hospital, ambulances etc. and honestly I dont see a reason for her and I to talk in the furture.

Whats dumb, in my opinion, is that one day Mum and Dad will pass away and she will be left with me. If she keeps up the way she is treating me and running to Mum every time I act in a way she doesnt approve of, I wont be there for her when they have passed away. I mean, currently Im not there for her, she can try and manipulate Mum and Dad, unless she does something amazing nothing is going to change on that front.

My back pain is pretty extrodinary tonight, Ive been holding off taking pain meds until I take my night meds so I have some relief while Im in bed, but its making for an unpleasent evening. Walking is incredibly difficult and painful, its really slow and pretty awkward. I did lay down for a bit a few hours ago and ended up just spasming, not intensly, just small ones but enough to stop me being able to sleep. Im hoping with my night meds under my belt Ill be able to lay still and sleep. I got hardly any last night so Im really tired, so some sleep would be great. My shoulder is pretty bad tonight too, the spasms didnt help that. Trying to deal with the pain, the mental health issues, the other medical issues is a real struggle, finacially, mentally, emotionally. Its harder still when you're like me and emotions arent something you're good at. I dont get them, I dont know how to process them or how to deal with them. I dont even really know how to experience them, like I feel like when Ive experienced joy etc. its fake. Anger is a different story, I dont know how to process etc but I know how to express it. I try to keep it under wraps though, being angry isnt really acceptable here, particularly if its me or Dad with Mum or my sister. Trying to deal with the emotions etc is made harder when your experiencing psychotic issues, feeling like your not connected to reality and processing fear at the same time isnt ideal. Even processing pain in that state makes it so much harder, so much more frustrating to experience because its all so distant.

I went to bed but I just laid there spasming, I had a new one where it was right in the back thorasic, it twisted my body and contorted it, causing my shoulder to pull me up, it was incredibly painful. I was also just thinking, just going on and on in my mind about whats going on with my sister etc and that made sleeping hard as well. Its stressing me out a bit, as much as I am trying not to let it get to me its really on my mind. Ive been having difficulty peeing and its getting worse, its just hard to get going and keep going which is not a great sign for my back, Im going to have to talk to my GP about it, more so to let her know, there wont be much she can do, especially not until Ive had the MRI. Im finding walking really difficult, its not just painful but getting my legs to actually do what Im telling them is a challenge, its like Im telling them to walk but they are getting a garbled signal, they are getting a messed up line of information that means Im walking but Im doing random movements, shaking, wobbling, etc. Basically while Im moving forward its not straight forward, I dont have full control of what Im trying to do.

I took some extra sedative medication, Im hoping that will reduce the spasms and let me sleep. I dont know if its gonna help with the spasms but its hit me quite a bit quicker than I expected, it always does, and Im definatly ready to sleep now.

I slept all the way through to 6am, Im still tired as hell and ready to go back to bed, which I might shortly. My back is, its so bad, I dont know what to do with myself. Im in pain that I dont know how how to deal with. It calmed down a little bit and I went into town. The pain increase from that wasnt too bad. Im trying to get in touch with my health insurance again so I can make a payment, once thats done I think Ill lay down for a while. I want to sit with Mum and go through the NDIS stuff with her and start getting the ball rolling there for her, apparently no one else can help with that. Dad wont because they rang to talk to Mum about her conditions and she told him to get out the room, which is fair enough but he is being a child and throwing a tantrum so now he cant help her. He is doing that sorta stuff all over the place, as much as he can he is dropping the responsibilities of being her carer onto my sister and I, even though we are both incredibly unwell/disabled.

Last night I spoke to Mum and I said to her about board, I pay it, Im not at the moment but Im sure, like other times, its going on my bill. Anyhow, I brought up that my sister doesnt pay board and I was under the impression she didnt have to, but in lieu of board she cleaned the house and Mum remembered this and asked yeah when did this stop. I said I didnt know, but she kept putting that onto Dad and I. I think that hit home a bit. She realised that my sister had winged and twisted her way out of her equivilent of board and made it sound like Dad and I werent doing anything when we werent supposed to be. Yes my sister was busy and out a lot, but it was her picking up crap for herself. My sister really does seem to think that she should be allowed to do whatever she wants, that there should be no restrictions on her, that others should support her in this and that she shouldnt have any responsiblites. For so long, her responsibilities would fall on Dad and I, so she could stuff around picking stuff up, which she kept saying was for Mum but there is so much more stuff for her here than Mum.

We also talked about the money of my sisters I used to help pay in caring for her, the money I was going to try and get through and EAF grant through work. My sister didnt give me the stuff I needed despite being reminded quite a bit. Its too late now and they arent interested in the application. So my sister misses out. I was clear that the EAF is how she gets paid for that and that I wasnt paying it if she didnt do what she was required to. It keeps popping up and when I spoke to Mum about it she said that she would transfer the money to me and I can transfer the money to my sister and that will shut her up. I told Mum she isnt to do that, my sister is an adult, she made a choice, she needs to wear it. I went on about a heap of other stuff and eventually Mum seemed to drop the idea. I think the realisation that my Mum goes without to hand over stuff to my sister time and time again and often at her detriment. The money she was talking about was going to come out of her account, her fund to get away if she needs to, her freedom etc. and thats not right or fair.

My sister told my Mum that I, at some point, had just taken her card from her purse and used it. Which is a complete fabrication, Ive never done that or would do that. Its really ticked me off that she has said this, more so that it was believed, it was believed that I could do this.

I went to wake Mum and get the dog and we ended up talking for 3 hours. We talked about my Dad and my sister. I told Mum that I feel like my sister robbed me of my Mum for many years and that when my sister needed Mum and needed help I was left to Dad who didnt do shit, as would be expected. So for so long I effectively had no one and I just worked out my life for myself, you know it was left to me to work out right from wrong, good from bad. Then all the sudden I come to live under their roof again and Im told what Im doing is wrong, not enough etc. or my sister is telling me what to do and what not to do. So I was like fk you, you left me on my own to work everything out on my own and now you want to come and tell me that I didnt do a good enough job, screw you. Im still a bit that way, I managed to live a certain way, dealt with stuff a certain way and thats how I will continue to do it, if it works just as good. Im more willing to make decisions and just move forward with little or no input from others.

I laid down for a while and woke up with a bit of a start, when I woke up I immediately didnt feel right. I made it to the loo and then down to the dining room, where I am now. I feel really messed up, I dont feel with it at all. I feel like Im trapt within my body, looking out but not really having any control, things are just happening and Im watching unable to intervene. I havent done or said anything bad so far but its a horrible sensation. Im really tired, Im going to go back to bed in a sec and sleep some more, its actually hard to keep my eyes open. Im finding it hard to comprehend what my Dad is saying, hes talking and its like someone is beeting me with a verbal baseball bat.

I went back to sleep again, when I woke up I felt more normal than before. Im still in a wild amount of pain, its so hard to walk, trying to get my legs to move the way I want them to, dealing with the pain of it and how quickly I wear out from it.

Mum and I have talked quite a bit today, well over last few days. Ive been pretty open and honest and Mum has listened. She said about the way I talk to my sister when Im angry etc and I cant remember what it was but in the instance she is talking about I was offended by what my sister said, and Im getting told that my reaction to being offended is wrong. We are concentrating on they way I am talking and not on what she has said or done, which was wrong, all the sudden Im the bad guy and I said its not fair or right. I also mentioned that when she gets angry or offended the way she talks isnt exactly plesant, no one speaks like a butterfly when their mad so get over it. I talked about when I had my brief psychotic episode and how I changed as a result of this. Mum said it was hard to watch, I said its hard to experience, I mean I was a rather intelligent person, I was driven, I had purpose and all thats gone. By my standards of intelligence Im pretty average, like Im not dumb but I couldnt write any kinda code to save my life. Its a really hard thing to know the person I was, to know the person I was becoming and to look into the mirror to be greated by a completely different person. Whats harded is I am seeing the same thing happen again with the pain and the new mental health issues. Im trying not to become bitter, not to become cold and distant but as much as I try I feel it happening. I feel myself withdrawing more and more, which is probably part of the reason I am spending time with Mum. We all change as we grow older, but becoming someone new, new priorities, new drives or lack of, etc. that is hard.

Im really dizzy again, though Im not having the pressure in my head lately. Im gonna have my night meds soon and try and have something to eat and then go back to bed again. My sister has gone out, if she isnt home before I want to go to bed Ill give her meds to Mum tonight. Giving them to Dad probably wouldnt go down well. I had a bit of sleep this afternoon, but Im keen for a lot more. Im in a world of pain, laying down for a great part, helps that, without pain medication. No one would help Mum with the NDIS stuff she needs to do so I have, it was really simple stuff, mainly making sure she followed up with a few things. I recon Dad has asked me 5 or 6 times today how things are going with it today, if your that interested why the hell didnt you do something to help, even just offer. You wanted to be outside, you didnt want to do it, you thought she should be able to do it herself, you were mad with her. Also if I have to hear about the damn dogs one more time, Im sick of hearing about them, him winging about them barking, them in his way, the challenge of feeding them etc. Just accept that we have dogs, shut up, at least most nights, not winge about them every freaking night.

Ive become really tired, my sister has come home but gone down to Mum. Im hoping she wont be long, I want her to do her meds so I can go to bed.

I woke up at 2am, I really didnt expect to sleep that long. I thought Id get a few hours at most not like 5. Im reasonably ready to go back to sleep, which I will soon.

Last night at one point I went back down to Mum and asked her if she still found our talks to be good things, she isnt doing well either and I was concerned that I would be making things more difficult for her but she said she was enjoying them, that she liked them so Ill continue.

I actually got a fair bit of sleep last night. I only woke up the once, Im tempted to go back to bed soon but I dont really think of this as sleeping overnight more so a nap, a bit extra. Im in a lot of pain, my back is really bad and my shoulder isnt much better. Another reason Im thinking of going back to bed. Im finding the weight of a jumper or my Oodie is too much for me to bear and I end up sitting with just my tshirt on and being cold. My asthma has been playing up of late, Im using my inhaler a couple times a day. Im not sure whats triggering it, its unusual for it to be an issue, Ill have to have a chat with my GP at some point. Ive been cutting back on the amount of iced coffee I drink, Im probably gonna cut back more, Im actually finding it more and more difficult to actually drink it, I feel quite quezy if I drink too much in one sitting and the amount that takes is lessening.

I struggled to fall back asleep but I did in the end. When I woke up I was in serious pain, I had siezed and it took a bit to get out of bed. Walking is nearly impossible, its really slow, its painful. Im dizzy as hell, even sitting down Im spinning. Dad just asked what Im up to today, like Im going to be getting up to much, I dont pretty much any other day, especially weekends. I said not much and he says, oh I thought you might go for a jog. I know he doesnt really mean anything by it, but at the same time what an insensitive bastard. Ill go wake Mum up in a bit because thats now become my thing, no one else will. Ill have a chat to her for a while at some point too. I want to have a shower today, though with the pain Im in and walking difficulty Im not sure I will be able to. My shoulder is really painful today, I know I slept on it at times through out the night. The right shoulder is pretty sore as well.

I went and spent some time with Mum and had a shower while I was there. It was gonna be too hard to do two trips today I think, the steps are a killer. I was there for a few hours, by the time I had finished there I was desperate for some pain relief, so I had some extra pain killres. I had some this morning but they had definately worn off. We talked again about a heap of things, again it was about how I felt about different things, particularly about how things were growing up/early adult and Mum got more of an understand as to why Im like I am. We talked about my pain and how Mum would react to me taking time off, she was worried about me losing my job because of all the time off and I told her that made me feel like she thought my job was more important that my well being. The other thing was that she thought I should be an adult and push though and deal with the pain, we all have pain and we all have to deal with it. I said to Mum that every day I was pushing through, every day I was working etc and dealing with pain, the days off that I took were days where I couldnt deal with the pain anymore. You would think after 22 years of pain, this would be known or at least obvious. The pain I feel now is so much worse that I have had to rethink the 1-10 pain scale used at hospitals. I mean the pain Im in that ends me up in hospital is amongst the worst pain I have ever felt and Ive had something similar to testicular torsion. At the time though, the pain I would feel before the procedures Ive had was horrible, it was incredibly bad. I had periods where it wasnt so bad and periods where it was. The pain I feel fluctuates a great deal, its still the case, I had a period of like 5-7 days where I was in less pain, it was more or less tolerable, I would need maybe 1 extra pain killer a day and that was it, generally to help me sleep. Then there are times like this where I am in intolerable pain, Im taking 2 or 3 extra pain killers a day, Id take more but Id run out before I see my doctor next. No matter how much I rest, the pain killers I take, Im in pain that I cant deal with, yet somehow I do. I dont really have a choice, I have to just live with the pain, regardless of how many pain killers I can take, how effective they are, how effective laying down is, how much sleep I get etc. My only options is to do that, go to hospital, though that is a limited thing, like I cant do it every few hours or I end it.

TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDAL IDEATION.

Its something I have been open about I have contemplated seriously, as much as its something out of desperation, it emotional, I have thought about it on a more logical consideration, I know it would hurt my family, it would devistate my Mum but not only would it end my pain but all the other health issues, all the financial issues, my solitude, not being understood, the clear burden and inconvienience to the family I am. While some of that is logical and true, overall its still not the answer. In the moment it certainly feels like it is. So far I have been able to stop myself, clearly, I got pretty close the other night, I nearly took some of my meds to my Mum for the night because I was really close. The difficulty is I dont have anything to live for, Im in pain, pretty much all the time, my life revolves around medical stuff. When you go to bed in pain, knowing that you will wake up in the morning, in pain its is a hard reality to live with. When you add the other medical issues, mental health issues its a incredibly difficult and depressing reality to face day after day. While I live with my family, Im pretty lonely. I speak to my Mum a fair bit lately but there is still a lonelyness in my life. Im not a huge people person but we all want some connection. I think I prefer or settle for being alone because more or less thats what Ive always known. I do like my job, its a good job, its a good company to work for, its not really fufilling though, it doesnt really give me purpose, it gives me a good paycheck, especially for what I do. If I didnt do what I do, I dont know what I would do, its not like I have a dream job or even a job I aspire to have. I just need a job that allows me enough money to pay my medical expenses and is flexible enough to allow me to attend medical appointments etc. Which is what I have. My entire existance is essentially about what I need, what is required, there really isnt anything about excitement, joy, etc. Even relationships, one of the primary reasons I dont want a partner is because I dont want to draw another person into the shit storm that is my life. If I found someone and really loved them, why would I put them through dealing with me and my medical issues. I even try to shield my family, who I live with, from the worst of it. My life is really just an existance, not a life. So I find it really difficult to find logical reasons to carry on, one of the reasons I probably do keep going is the guilt I feel from my christian upbringing that suicide is a really big sin. Its not really a topic that you can discuss at length with family and I find it hard to talk about indepth with psychologist/councillor because I get overly worried about how they would react, what they would do. That was probably the most open I have ever been about my suicidal ideation, I hope it is ok with moderators.

I decided to go into the servo and get some more iced coffee and have a donut. I didnt dare ask my sister to get me iced coffee and there would be no point asking my Dad, so despite how much pain Im in, if I want it, then it was up to me. The drive was painful as hell, but I had to get fuel as well, so I had to walk from the pump to the counter and back again, other than being insanely painful, it took a really long time. Before I left, I was in pain but I was ok tiredness wise. Im exhusted now, I was going to have a drink then lay down but Im just going to laydown in a little bit.

One thing I have learnt of late is that despite all the shit that happens to you in life, failings of parents, partners, etc you are who you are and holding on to a grudge, holding onto hate, holding onto unforgiveness or chosing to let it all go, wont change who you are, it will change how you think about who you are though. My Mum for instance, I could hold onto a lot of issues for what she did or didnt do during my life. The only things that would come out of this would be that our relationship would be tainted or ruined, I would carry these things on to future relationships and crap like that. Which for a part some of this happened. But I no longer have feelings of any kind towards Mum or others for what happened in the past. I have learnt from them, I will protect myself and have boundries but its not from a heart of hatered but a neutral heart. If you can love those who hurt you etc. good on you, but for me its a neutral place, one where your are wiser, better informed and not blinded by hate or love, the past was what it was and thats all.

I had nap, Ive woken up even worse than I was. The pain is incredible, though if Im sitting its reasonably tolerable, I mean Im in agony but I can manage. As Ive said I take a lot of pain medication normally, but I manage to deal with a hell of a lot of pain before I look for more pain relief, if I go into hospital the pain is really serious. If the pain keeps escallating like it is I will be taking a trip to hospital soon, though I do hope to avoid it.

Im still waiting for the statements from my sister, for my part all I am asking her to do is print out the statements and highlight the figures I owe her. Thats it, but Im still waiting. Today she has been mucking around in her room, she sent Mum a semi-criptic sms to get permission to not do what she has been asked to do for months over the weekend. As I said to Mum, I am completely waiting on my sister to do what Ive asked before I can get Dad to do his part and then I can lodge my bankruptcy. Once all that is done I will know my obligations and be able to make a budget so I can pay everyone back. But no we are stuffing around and making it hard on everyone for no apparent reason. The thing that is really bugging me is my sister keeps going out, she goes out all hours of the day and night, 1/2 the time shopping and Im told that its because she has to get out of the house. Most the time this is happening when Dad and I arent even around, so its not to get away from us, its the house. She has made the damn mess in the house, its her shit all over the place.

She's still basically not talking to me, she says a few words here and there but for the most part theres silence. I still dont really know what Ive done wrong, my personal thought is that shes cracked the shits that we are asking for statements as if we dont trust her, while kinda true its not why. She has told each person in the family different amounts that I owe, ranging from a couple thousand to 8 thousand so I want to know the true and correct figure. But she is not speaking to me and its the most peace and quiet Ive had for ages, Im not questioned every 5 seconds, Im not hassled, anything. Its actually pretty nice. I dont think thats the outcome she is going for though.

I know my pain isnt the worst to be experienced, its the worst Ive experienced or at least its up there, its certainly the most persistant pain Ive experienced. Its really draining, its really tiring. It takes so much more out of you to do simple tasks, like walking for me is such a challenge so often. It has such an affect on your sleep which just addes to being exhusted and how draining being awake now is. Its so damn expensive, medical appointments, procedures and medication, it makes a real dent in your pocket. It robs you of friends, family, work etc. It wears you down emotionally and mentally, even if you dont have other mental health and medical issues, but as I do, it really strips you to the bone.

I saw my support worker the other day, it wasnt a great day, I was in heaps of pain and I had hardly slept but she has organised a peer support worker for me. Im kinda looking forward to seeing her and doing stuff, but what on earth are we going to do, I can hardly move most the time so what do you do when you cant walk, cant move around, etc.

Given how much pain Im in pretty well constantly, all the illnesses I face, the mental health challenges and that for the most part I do it alone and have done most my life. I think, generally speaking Im pretty nice, caring and understanding. I think I have done a really good job not becoming just angry and bitter, a real fear of mine that I will. I think that there is little acknowledgement of that. That there is a significant focus on the moments and days that I am not my best, when my situation becomes too much for me. I think that there is also a over abundant focus on the things around the house Im not doing and not an appreciation that I am managing my own affairs myself, Im doing my shopping, washing, etc. Im not asking anyone to do shit, if I cant do it, then it doesnt get done. Im not adding to the workload of the rest of the family. At the moment thats the best I can do, thats the best I can offer but I also think that it shows real strength. Going shopping is not the least painful experience in my life, I have to drive to Coles, walk a distance to the actual store, then do my shopping, walk back to the car, drive home and unpack. It is horrible and excruciating and I get no help, but I rarely ask for it, when I have I didnt get it, so whats the point in asking. Again we go back to me being in this alone.

I dont think thats something my sister realises, Mum and I discussed it today, my sister has not had an easy life and that meant that my Mum spent most her time on my sister, helping her with her issues, going to doctors etc. As I said to Mum, I feel like my sister stole my Mum from me, she was there when I was young and then she wasnt, it was all about my sister. Mum admitted that she did, she would put me to the side to deal with my sister, with the intention of coming back to me, but she never did, she kept having to deal with my sister. They got really close, spent most their time together and I was not invited. As I said to Mum I felt she left me to Dad to deal with knowing full well he wouldnt and he didnt, I was effectively left alone. When medical issues arose, when my back issues started I was basically on my own to deal with it. I had a procedure that could paralyse me and it was one of my friends who took me and looked after me after I had it. My sister had Mum pretty well all to herself through pretty well everything, I was left to my own devices for almost all of mine, there is the time I had a brief psychotic episode and Mum was there for that but once I was out of hosptial she was gone. She remembers doing stuff when I got out that I dont remember. She said a few times that she would do something and then send Dad around, ie cook a meal and I said you would send Dad. I was hurting, Dad didn't get what I was dealing with and he's as comforting as a cactus armed with a machete. I would have wanted Mum and she rarely bothered to stop bottle feeding my sister to come around and give me a hug.

I gave my sister her Webster pack tonight and like she commonly does she just put it to the side. Next thing she's up and gone. It's pretty painful for me to walk so I waited for her to come back. I wanted her to do her meds so I could go to bed. Dad came into the kitchen from watching TV so I asked him to find her and ask her to do it, this was an issue for Dad who asked 20 questions and messed about before going off to find her. She was not pleasant about it but eventually it got done. I did complain to Dad that it's not hard, she should just do it when she is given her meds. This caused an issue I didn't care to entertain.

I've had enough of the issues surrounding her medications, she has made the whole thing so much harder and stressful than it needed to be. So I'm going to get her to have her pharmacist dispense 1 days worth at a time and she can collect from them. I cant give it to Dad to do, he doesn't watch her but more importantly if my sister said to him to change it in some way ie instead of giving 1 day at a time he gave her 2 he would do it. It's pretty much the same with Mum, my sister would spin a yarn and my Mum would get confused and do it. So we can get the chemist to do it and she will have to pick them up each day, given she's out every damn day that shouldn't be an issue. If she argues she only has herself to blame, if she shut up and worked with what the doctors said was ok and when u got your dose deal with it ASAP so I can move on.

I went to try and sleep, I laid down and spasms started, no matter what position I tried I was in pain and spasming. So I gave in and went to ER. Im waiting for a doc at the moment after a lengthy conversation with the triage nurse. So they can only give me anti-inflmmatories. I suggested muscle relaxants but they don't give them out here so no go. I have one single muscle relaxants at home

Looks like I got to go back to ER in the morning, Im having issues peeing, basically I struggle to get started, takes ages and then its really very stop start but they need a pee sample to test to start things off and I couldnt provide one after several hours of trying. The injection they gave me has settled things down on my back, except the pain. Im hoping now I can sleep. Mum txt me a moment ago, she cant sleep, so I might go check on her before I try.

I did end up in ER last night, I got an injection of anti-inflammitories as they normally do, they say there isnt anything more they can do and they dont do muscle relaxants. The injection helps, it sort of loosened things up and it did reduce the spasms. There is a tablet form of the injection which they pushed last night, they were a bit grrr with me being back for my pain. The injection is good in that it isnt as big of a problem with the interactions I can have with the anit-inflammitories, where as the tablets not so much. If I do go onto the tablets then I will have to either take preventative medication or treat the outcome.

Im supposed to go back to ER today because I couldnt pee in a cup last night. Ive been having issues peeing, Im unable to get going for ages. Last night I felt like I needed to go but hours past and nothing. I did go when I got home and Ive gone this morning, all they were going to do was check for an infection. I didnt get home until around 2am and Mum wasnt able to sleep so I went and spent some time with her, so I didnt get to bed until just after 4am. So, I dont think Ill bother going back to ER, Im too tired and I cant be bothered at all.

My pain is less than pleasent today, though at this stage its better than yesterday. My shoulder is a bit shit. I keep getting the sensation of not being here, like Im living in a dream. My psychotic symptoms are getting heaps worse, rather than occassionally happening they are happening multiple times a day.

Mum said yesterday that essentially my sister was changing and not herself, that she is normally a caring and understanding person and that whatever is going on is taking away the daughter she knows. I sorta thought about this a bit and I think why I feel differently is that a lot of how she is acting etc confirms the suspisions I have had over the years about how she really felt, particularly in regards to my health issues. Mum saw the caring, compassionate and understanding daughter because thats what my sister presented to her. When Mum wasnt around, my sister was very different towards my Dad and I and it was treated as if we deserved it.

Something we talked about too was my ex-girlfriends/intimately close female friends. When I was 16 I met a girl who I became incredibly close with, we were close for years but she ended up marrying a mutual friend. Some years later we reconnected when they seperated and the relationship did rekindle and became sexual however yet again she went back to her husband. I met another girl and we ended up in a relationship, we ended up in a share house situation together but in seperate rooms, the owner of the house was against non-married couples sharing a room. She ended up cheating on me with my best friend at the time. The final girl I was close with, she ended up staying with me and sharing my bed. She however wouldnt allow us to tell anyone we were seeing one another and it came out in the end that she was actually interested in another guy the whole time. She was just using me. As a result of the relationship, as it was, breaking up, I lost my community of friends. We were involved in a religious group and while I dont know exactly what was told to them on a couple of occassions they tried to "interrogate" me as to how sexual we were and the depth of our relationship and insinuated that I had acted inappropriately against her, almost as it if were unrequited. I didnt really engage in any of it and nothing came of it but I was effectively shunned from the community I helped build, while all the other women, women who I thought knew me well, rallied around the girl I was seeing. This girl had told me that she was studying at uni and I found out she was working in a food packing plant. I had no issue with where she was working but the lie stung, more lies unfolded after this.

I not only found out that yet again a person I was very open with, that I trusted a great deal, that I had prioritised in my life has betrayed me, they had decieved me and had used me. I lost my community, I had people I thought were close friends turn against me, without discussing things with me, judging me without trial. I had leaders interogate me rather than talk to me like equals and I saw her escallate socially within the group based on a bed of lies which destroyed my life outside of work.

I had no one to talk to about any of this, its not something I wanted to talk to my Mum about, I dont really want to talk to her about it to this day though she does understand, probably better than me how much of a profound affect of how this all had on me. My Dad wasnt an option to talk to and my best friend and I dont really talk about things on this level. Ive never really dealt with any of the betrayal or deception of any of these relationships and at the moment I still dont feel like I am ready to do so, I dont really see a point anymore either. However, I do think some of what is happening with my sister is affecting me more due to this. I feel like she has betrayed me, she has decieved me and she has used me and now she is discarding me. I dont suggest I have always been the best brother, I am positive I have failed her on a number of occassions but while I have failed her I have always done my utmost to look after her, to be there for her and to support her. I always felt like we had a special bond, even when she was so close to Mum that a flys eyelash couldnt fit between them, I felt like if something devestating happened to me she would be there for me. But now Im not so sure that she would actually be there. It turns out that she was using her position with Mum to make me look bad, to drive my Mum and I apart, to seperate us and ruin our relationship, given Dad and I had no effective bond she isolated me from my family, when we lived isolated from our friends and family so I had no one and then now that I live at home again, she complains about the way I turned out, the person Ive become and still, she got sick and there was no one else so I dropped everything and supported her for 6 months while she was in hospital.

Mum prioritised my sister over me for years, she took my sisters word without talking to me, she and my sister would lump me in with my Dad so if they were mad with my Dad, I wore it too. It would appear to me that every significant female in my life has betrayed, decieved and abandoned me through out my life. My Dad has not been a significant influence in my life and I have had few male friends, let alone role models. I was abused regularly at school by the boys there and developed a major issue trusting males but you would think that I would have developed the same, if not similar for women, yet I will only deal with women in relation to mental health and emotional type things.

I went and did some grocery shopping, I was in absolute agony by the time I got home. I went and spent some time with Mum and Im back at the table now in a huge amount of pain. Like I really dont know what to do. I only have a few tablets left to get me through until Tuesday and tomorrow I have an MRI and an Ultrasound so I will end up in heaps of pain from that. Mum and I talked for a couple hours, my sister joined in for a bit. It was mainly about Dad. As far as Fathers go he really wasnt one of the finest, he worked, he provided finance for the family, when he wasnt working though he always found a reason to not to be involved with us, to not have to engage or have a relationship with us. Even now days, Im disabled and quite unwell and he make fun of my disabilities and illnesses. He doesnt take them seriously at all and certainly doesnt respect them. Im 43 and I live with my parents and sister, I have essentially no relationship with my Dad. He has helped me financially, particularly with loans for medical expenses, but beyond that there isnt really anything there between us. I wouldnt really go to him for advise, I wouldnt talk things through with him. The few times I have asked him for help dealing with a family situation he has refused to get involved, despite knowing how much of an inpact it was having on my wellbeing. So, yeah he really isnt much of a Dad. I dont hold it against him though, at the same time I dont forgive him so much that I would open up to him in the future. I have this way about me, I forgive but not so much as to let them in again. I dont really have any feeling good or bad towards my Dad, he just is. But he doesnt have my trust at all, he hasnt earned it. When I talk about what happened with my Dad, or didnt, I can have the old feelings surface a bit, but they dont own me. When I stop talking about it, the feelings stop and I continue with life. Dad doesnt get to have the second chance at destroying me, or owning me. I think we all need to live life a bit like that, where you forgive but that doesnt mean they get to do it again. When you forgive someone you release their ownership over you, its not about them. But now you know who they are, so you have to be smarter next time and protect yourself from them. You cant give them an opportunity to try and impose their ownership on you again.

I went to bed really early, around 7:30pm. I was really tired and in a lot of pain, I figured if I laid down for a bit I might not need pain killers or at least not need them quite so soon. I slept until around 1:30am in one hit. Its become a bit more common for me to sleep for a long period of time like that just recently. I like it, though its really weird. Ive woken up still in a huge amount of pain. Ive got my MRI today, Ive no idea how I am going to get onto and off the table for the scan, more so than normal. When I woke up I checked my blood pressure again, like I have been for my doctor, I have gone from a medium high BP to a lowish BP like over night, will be interesting see what my GP thinks about that. Im getting really tired again, if I sit down and do nothing/little I will doze off. Its 3am and Im thinking of going back to bed in a minute. I want to take my blood pressure again before I do because the last reading was pretty low. I keep getting pretty low blood pressure readings, weirdly according to Dr Google this could cause dizzyness but Im not dizzy when the pressue is low. The only difference I am aware of is that when the ambulance rocked up I was in AF.

I had a few more hours sleep, Im so over being in pain. Its cold but the idea of puting on my Oodie and bearing that weight is too much to even think about, let alone do, so I sit in the cold. Im still quite keen on being in bed, so there is a good chance Ill end up back there before long. I am tired but its more so because I want to hide. I want to hide from the pain, from my misery, from my existance that has become so stale and toxic. All I have to look forward to today is an MRI and an Ultrasound, tomorrow its a doctors appointment. I mean there is my talk with Mum, which I do enjoy but its hardly a prime example of a fufilling life. Thats not meant to be offensive to Mum, but at 43 if my primary social experience is spending time with my Mum. That what I look forward to each day is our chat. Its a little telling.

My sister has been speaking to me a little more the last couple days, she is really bitter about so much. She has something to say about everyone and almost every circumstance. She is almost unforgiving of others failings, if they dont rise up to her standards then they are idiots etc. or they hate her. She is incredibly fearful of the intentions of others towards her, she seems to think that when something goes wrong, someone is to blame and it was intentional. Shes very black and white.

Im having a smoke and going to go back to bed, I need to give my back a break.

I woke up after a couple hours in a far worse state, my back, Im sick of my back. Im dizzy, really dizzy. Walking is an incredible challenge, even sitting isnt the best today. Dad just came in and suprisingly asked how I was, I said I was fn sore, "Oh good" was all I got before he walked back outside. I dont know what I expect of him, a little compassion or understanding maybe. Is there anything you need done that I can do, at an absolute stretch. But Oh good and to bugger off like I told him the price of fuel, I do know I want more than that.

When Mum and I talked yesterday I said about Christmas etc, where as kids we knew that it was Mum doing all the shopping etc and that the presents were from her, not her and Dad. Ive just realised that I effectively did the same thing, I would give my sister the money to buy or go in on the presents she got. At most I would ask what people wanted and get ome of the things from what I was told. I had no idea what to get them, I mean most the time I didnt know what I wanted so how would I know what others wanted.

Im gonna go have a shower in a minute, Ill warm up, I doubt it will help my back any but a hot shower is a nice thing.

I spoke with Mum for a while after my shower. When I got down there Dad and Mum were talking, while I was in the shower, I heard both doors slam. So, I figured Id talk with her a bit. She learnt a bit more about me, I her. It was only a couple hours, I have the MRI etc today so I couldnt stay for a long time. Ive taken some pain killers today and will again later after the MRI. Even still Im in a shit load of pain, Im really struggling with walking, moving in general from the waist down, Im having a little hassle with my arms and hands, they are shaking a bit, not too uncommon when the pain gets bad enough. Im feeling somewhat uneasy about getting on and off the MRI bed, as Ive said before Im a big guy, that plus massive pain, stiffness, etc, those beds are a nightmare. I dont like asking anyone for help to get on and off them, I dont think its fair to put a 150kg person trying to get on and off a bed on them, they didnt sign up for that as part of their jobs. Its a little embarrassing, people dont see the disabilities, they see the fat man, Im not overly embarrased by my weight, I dont like it but its not going away over night. But the attitude, the looks given, etc I dont appreciate, it makes me feel like shit, it kinda forces you to be embarassed.

I'm sitting waiting for my MRI and I've started all the sudden to disassociate, its like I'm in my own little bubble universe. It's weird, I can recognise that others are around me but it's like they are behind an invisible wall, its really thick and it like makes what they say and them to appear so distant and me so untouchable but at the same time I feel more vunerable than ever.

I only just fit in the damn MRI machine, after a while I started to struggle a fair bit, my back was incredibly painful and I kept losing feeling in my hands and feet. By the time I was done, which took for freaking ever, I was in complete agony. I got the guy to give me a hand to get sitting upright and when I stood up pain just flooded my body. I was kinda wisked straight to my ultrasound, not really getting much of a chance to adjust. They did the scan and my GP had given them the option to do cortizone. They didnt rule out having an impinged nerve but they did think bursa so they did the cortizone.

Im home now, I feel really off, still a fair bit on the disassociation side of things but its more than that I just cant put my finger on it. Ive taken some pain meds, Im gonna go see Mum, briefly, and then go to bed for a bit. Im pretty knackered and I really want to give my back a rest after the MRI, it seriously took a toll on me.

I went and had a chat with Mum, 2 hrs later I went and laid down. Unfortunately, I spasmed a fair bit and gave up, my shoulder was hurting and my back was just getting worse. I dunno, Ive sat down and my back is as painful as shit but its tolerable. I have one pain killer left, Im gonna ask Mum if I need one tomorrow if I can steal one from her and take the one I have tonight. Ill get a script for more tomorrow afternoon, it sucks all I get now is 10 at a time now, I think its because of the strength of my standard pain killer I take. Mum said I could, I kinda figured she would.

My sister has had the shits with me the last few days, shes still pretty grumpy but she is talking to me and what not now. Whats funny is, I didnt really react to her being mad with me, I basically carried on as I would, maybe I didnt talk to her as much as I normally would but in general I just carried on like normal. I get a drink that she and I both like, but can only get from Coles, so I got her one. I wanted lollies and crap and I saw eclairs on special so I got them, we both like them but she really likes them. I wasnt going out my way but if I saw something she and I liked I included her in it. If she talked to me, I talked back like normal, I didnt make a fuss, I didnt carry on, I just talked like nothing was going on.

Its amazing how quickly the resticted use of my left arm is, I didnt think it would be a big deal as Ive been limited as to its use anyhow, as it hurts to use the damn thing, but this is next level. Probably having the pain in my back that I am doesnt help.

Mum and I have been talking the last couple days about Dad, Ive learnt stuff about him I didnt know. I didnt know that he used to beat Mum up, when we were younger. I knew that he twisted stuff but not to the extent that he seems to. I mean to a degree I now know that I cant really trust what my sister says and to an even bigger degree I cant trust what Dad says. That in mind, Im not 100% sure how much I trust what Mum says, partly because I dont know and partly because she has a brain injury and has a tendancy to get confused rather easily. I get a sense that she agrees with me about stuff but when she was talking to my sister and/or Dad she was all onboard with their view point. Its not even that she is not really taking sides or she changed her view, she denies ever having a different view to mine. There is this feeling that she isnt being altoghether truthful about some stuff, particularly how she views things Im talking about, even at times that we are talking about something and she disagrees, but doesnt say anything because its easier.

Some of this applies for my sister as well but Im gonna primarily talk from my viewpoint. My Dad and I dont really have any kind of relationship, I might borrow money from him from time to time for surgeries and stuff but thats about the extent of that. Ive been disabled for 22 years, since I was 21, over 1/2 my life I have been in chronic pain. The pain now is far worse than before but even before my procedures I had days that were pretty bad. I remember Mum comforting me when I was full body spasming one night and she got me to hospital. In fact I have no memories of my Dad doing anything with me during any of that time, trying to work out what was wrong etc. I remember that a really close friend took me to my procedure and looked after me afterwards. I made my way to my appointments etc myself. For the most part for all my medical needs as far back as I can go, I have dealt with getting to and from appointments myself. My Dad would take me to procedures etc. where I would not be allowed to drive afterwards, if I cant drive myself he would take me to ER, though more often now if I cant get myself there I will call an ambulance. I have cover for it and it means he can sleep etc and I just need him to pick me up. I dont have him sitting next to me reminding me how long the wait is etc. He generally asks how I got on with appointments, etc but once you tell him, he normally has a less than stellar reply, something that is dismissive or diminishes your issue. If nothing else, it puts an end to your conversation. When I had my brief psychotic episode Dad came and took me to hospital, he sat with me for well over 12 hours, I really wasnt in a good place at all, mentally things werent firing well, I dont remember Dad trying to spark up a conversation, definately not about what was happening, the only vision I have is of him sitting quite a distance from me, absolutly silent. I dont remember him once putting his arm around me or comforting me in any way. Given that my life is somewhat one medical experience after another, this shit really matters because it takes up a huge amount of my life and my finances. Being able to talk to Dad about my medical conditions, me mental health issues, how it impacts my life, my fears, all that would be really nice, especially when Mum is unavailable as she is providing that, that very stuff I need to my sister who is going though avery similar experience. Not only is he not providing that to me, he is leaving my sister to my Mum and not even checking in with her to make sure she is ok.

Growing up Dad was either at work, working on the house, renovating the house, going to church, reading his Bible/studying, having meetings about church or basically anything that didnt involve spending time with the family and by extension his son. Mum and my sister went away for weekends quite a bit, short holidays etc. Dad and I went away maybe 4 times. When Mum and my sister were away, he didnt spend time with me, he didnt take the opportunity to build a relationship with me, life went on like normal, he found stuff to do and left me to do the same. When we went away, we didnt talk, we didnt really grow as friends, everything was at a distance. As many opportunities as he had over the years, Dad never invested the time to build a relationship with me beyond asking me to help do this or that inside. He never asked for me to help him in renovating the house, building things, working on projects and if he did, if he asked me to help in any way it was to hold something, you know he needs an extra set of hands for a tape measure or to hold a piece of timber straight, he never took the time to teach me what it was that he was doing, why he was doing it that way, etc. at no time did pass down his knowledge to me and build a bond between us. Oh he might have shown me how to check the oil in a car etc. things that were kinda vital and stopped small issues becoming big issues that he would have to fix.

Dad still projects this expectation that Im old enough to be self reliant, to move out of home, that he shouldnt have to look after me anymore, financially I should be able to manage. The fact that I have spent the better part of my life in pain, dealing with doctors, being sick, procedures, etc. This all cost money, a lot of it, it takes time away from work, it means I cant do stuff for myself, I cant always clean etc. so living on my own is a challenge, if I can get NDIS then maybe not so much, I dont have the money to live on my own, I dont have the money to put money aside, especially when I have had to borrow money from the get go. The big one is that I should be a man, well Im a man as well as I can see myself as one, because I have never had a role model in my life to show me what I man is and if being a man, is being like him then its not something I want because he's so insecure in himself, that he cant have a relationship with his wife, let alone his children. He hid behind work and church to scared to fail on the small things that he completely bombed out in their life.

Even now, with all my pain, with all my medical issues, my mental issue, I live at home, he is retired and he spends most his day outside, then he comes in, makes tea and rounds out the day in front of the TV, in the lounge with one chair or he is in his room/office on his laptop or reading his bible. He never sits down with me to talk, to help look over my finances and make sure I have enough for the next procedure or scan, understand the issues Im facing etc. I know full well that none of them know what is actually wrong with me, like they can say I have the back thing but not that I have 6 back things or their names, Mum got one from when I was like 12. Then they all judge me for how I am about my pain and how little I do etc, they dont even know enough to know the name of my conditions, let alone what they do, what they cause but in their mind enough to pass judgement on how well or bad I deal with pain, how much pain Im "really" in etc. They know I have bipolar thing, but they miss the 2 most the time and always miss the with psychotic features, they dont get the psychotic stuff, they dont sit and talk with me long enough to understand or appreciate what I am experiencing. But they will ignore it and push me past it to get me to do what they want me to do or they will do stuff that I have said is a trigger and wonder why I crack the shits. Dad is probably the worst for all of this, because he wont even hear the headlines. He is basically, you're not in hospital, therefore your're not that bad. As I said to him the other night, Im that bad but not only has my pain specialist all but given up, now ER has indicated that they are not there for ongoing pain management, ie stop coming in all the time when your in so much pain you dont know what else to do.

Im pretty well done with my Dad, if I wasnt before I am now. After my upload I went to go to bed, I got up and started walking towards the loo on my way to my room. Each step was tiny and agonising, like my face was scrunching up, I was balling my hands up. I was clearly in a lot of pain and I was taking steps that couldnt even been 10cm. My Dad says to me "Can you take Jessy (one of our dogs) down to Mum on your way, if he stays out he will just end up waking your sister"? For your understanding, Mums room is at the end of the hallway I go left for my room, right for hers, then its through 2 other big rooms, down a few stairs, in a very small area (with a dog) open a door and Mums room. At my rate that would take ages, be incredibly painful and pretty well impossible to go down the stairs and deal with the dog as well. Then go back, having no where to sit and take a break. On the other hand, my room would be left, down a tiny hall, into my room, around my queen bed and into it. Now I do go down to Mums room during the day, but its one way and then a long rest and thus far, I havent been in the pain I was in at the time or am in now. Here is the thing that has got to me though, Dad typically puts Jessy down with Mum at night, but he cracked the shits with her this morning, walked out her room and slammed the door and like always, when he is mad with her he tries to get my sister or I to take the dog down because he doesnt want to see her, he doesnt want to get caught down there and have to talk to her etc. So his ego or whatever is so much more important to him that he will ask his disabled son, who is clearly having a very bad time, is in an extreme amount of pain, who is stuggling to get to the toilet, let alone his own bed to walk what is a fair bit further for him and deal with steps and a dog so you dont have to open a door and let a dog in, just in case Mum says something. You absolute word I cant say here that starts with a C. That seriously shows just how little he cares about me, if he says he didnt realise then he has to be lying, Ive been like it all day, we were both in the kitchen, etc. He just cared more about himself than he did me, he wasnt prepared to run the risk of having to talk about this morning if he didnt have to even at the expense of his son.

I did manage to get to my bed, I laid down on my right shoulder, I normally do now because of the pain in my left, tonight was the same and I just had cortizone. It didnt take long for me to start spasming pretty intensily, right in the shoulder. I flipped over and next thing I started spasming again but this time it was full body, my whole body just crumpled like a collaspable cup. I became extremely frustrated and got out of bed, kinda in disgust. Ive taken some more sedative, Im hoping that will get me to sleep, if I lay down and spasm again then I wont be sleeping tonight and Ill have to deal with the pain

I think part of my problem with my family and them recognising how much pain Im in is visually I dont really seem to show it. Like, the last couple days its been on my face Im sure but I dont cry, I dont scream out, it doesnt really show on my face. None of my condtions really have a visual aspect to them, its all a matter of me telling you Im having difficulties and being believed.

Im about to go back to bed. I had some tea, what I normally would eat part of it, I ate all of it. Before I took the sedative, I didnt feel right, but now I feel really off. I feel as spaced as they come, Im not connected to the world at all, just holding something feels like Im holding space and dust, nothing of substance and reality. The pain is really intense, its weird, for the most part that is still firmly fixed in reality, though there are moments where it seems to be very distant, almost as if my spine had been removed and placed on the table. I can still feel the pain, but its detatched and almost easier to manage.

Ive woken up after a few hours sleep, the pain is right up there. Everything is in tremendous pain. I dont really know what to do with myself. Im sitting here typing and my hands are randomly droping and typing themselves. It happens occasionaly, its very frustrating. At this point I went back to bed.

I woke up again only a couple hours later, I got like 4 or 5 hours sleep in total. Given that Im pretty awake, both my sister and I ended up having a very deep and significant talk with Dad, we talked for a few hours I would think. It basically started with a comment or two which resulted in me saying to him that all his discussions with the family were him complaining/winging about the other people in the family. We ended up talking about all sorts of things to do with the family and him. We pointed out that he is frustrated and angry all the time, that we didnt really want to approach him about anything.