Malens Babble

Ive taken my night meds and planning to go to bed shortly. I havent eaten, I had a donut this morning but thats been it. The idea of eating anything now is not a great one. My stomach has calmed down a bit but it still feels really full and bloated. Im glad that it has calmed down in time for bed, had it been like it was earlier I think I would have had to put off going to bed, I dont think I would have been able to sleep. Im seriously, seriously over being sick.

I got up around 1am, I fought going back to bed and sat dozing at the table for a couple hours. When I went to bed initially I fought quite bad spasms that caused a lot of neck and back pain. I didnt want to go back to bed and fight this again. When I went back too bed I did continue fight, l fell asleep and got a few more hours sleep. I woke up pretty early again and dozed at the table a little more, but got going and went and got a couple things. All up I only got 3 or 4 hours sleep, though much of it was spent fighting spasms. It wasnt a pleasent night.

Ive finally got my shit together and I feel really shithouse. My stomach is unhappy, Im tired, I ache, Im hot and my head really hurts. As much as I am likely to fight with the spasms, I am still very tempted to go back to bed. My sister just asked whats wrong with me. I said that I dont feel well, I mean she knows that. Then she said that I look stoned. I emphasised that I really dont feel well and that Im going back to bed in a moment. How she isnt grasping how sick I actully am is beyond me. But there again, she and the rest of the family never do, Im not in as much pain as I say and my mental health isnt as bad as I say. Maybe one day they will listen to me, maybe they will listen before something really bad happens. I had my morning meds and nearly hurled them back up, even after getting them down I still feel like I want to vomit. Getting fluid in is incredible hard today.

My sister has said that I look stoned a couple times today, I get stuck looking blankly out into nothingness. I kinda feel a bit stoned, I feel like my brain isnt able to process things around me properly, like Im seeing things though those fuzzy glass screens in showers and I can only focus on a little bit at a time. Even sound is like hearing people talking in an echoy bathroom. There is this isolationary feeling of sound, even of vision to a degree as well, like Im only able to hear and see a selection and the rest is filtered out and replaced by a quiet white noise. Im managing to type like a sentance or two at a time and then I need to have a break. Its kinda like I can type out each individual thought process at a time but thats it. Im incredibly tired, I really stuggle in this area in general, most things attack that. But this is really hammering it, given the lack of sleep leading up to it I imagine that makes it worse.

I went to sleep, I have no idea what time, early afternoon I think, and woke up around 8:30. Im still really tired but I have a lot of acid going on. I dont think I will stay up long enough to have my medications and then go back to bed. The car I drive is schedualled to have a service tomorrow, as Dad reminded me today. Which means I dont have a car tomorrow. Dad also said that his car will have the trailer on it for most the day. So if I needed anything to organise it before hand. This after being told I am really sick and my sister keeps saying I appear to be stoned. After he told me that I should go to bed. I dont know if he is a complete moron or doesnt care but I cant drive in and get anything, it would be dangerous. I know he is sick, that said he spent the day spreading that crushed rock stuff for drive ways, he could have offered to go in and get whatever I needed, he could have recognised the danger in me driving, just how unwell I am and even if I didnt accept, offered to help.

Whatever is actually wrong with me it is starting to cause issues with processing things, like I know my brain is being affected. Im finding it hard to think, to remain focused. Im finding writing really hard, not being able to focus and think through things is difficult. The sicker I feel the worse this is. The illness fluctuates, particulaly when I wake, its typically not as bad when I wake up and increases as I remain awake. If I eat I increase the speed in which I feel like shit.

Ive been up for a bit over an hour, Im starting to find it really hard to keep focus on anything, even watching TV is hard, I keep seeing through the screen. The rest of the time its like Im looking through a semi-seethrough platic, you know that one with swirls. My head feels like it has huge weights attached to it, pulling it down. Tied up in such a way that there is resistance when I move it side to side.

Im not drinking much at the moment, what I am drinking is primarily iced coffee. It settles the acid coming up my throat and to an extent how unwell I feel, not totally but a bit. My sister just asked how much iced coffee Im drinking, she was thinking I was drinking like 4 ltrs a day. Even if I was, Im not really eating anything and its controlling the acid so I dont see an issue in doing so.

I have no idea what to do financially, my income is much lower than Im used to being on Income Protection, not that Im complaining that much, I have atleast got some income. But $3300 to stretch a month is hard. Im finding it pretty impossible, especially with my medical needs. I normally earn a lot more than that, I wasnt earning much leading up to going on extended leave as I was attending to my sister etc. so that lowered how much I got in SCI. The whole thing with my sister, the impact its having on me financially just seem to continue, yet again Im left to wear this myself. I will likely have to approach my Dad for money for drinks and food, medically things are quiet this month. He doesnt have the money to help much either. Its really no wonder I find my sister going back to my Mum as her friend, how unappreciative she is, etc. she is so hard to deal with. The amount of money all this has cost me and is continuing to cost me is a hell of a lot and Im doing it alone. I, for once in a long time, was actually in a position where I was standing alone financially, I had borrowed money to pay Mum and Dad out and was dealing with things within my income limitations, she pushed me well outside them on the premise of being incredibly sick, I am now left feeling that this may not have been as advertised and Im left holding a significant financial debt and regular loss to my income. Even if I were to start returning to work tomorrow, I have a long journey ahead of me before I start earning an income higher than my SCI payments. The resentment I feel is incredible. The trying to get the money I used out of Mum instead of providing me the supporting information I need to put in a claim really ticked me off. Trying to move the debt to Mum means that my sister wouldnt have to do anything and I would be forced to pay Mum. Im not standing for that. She would be moving the debt and putting me in an even worse situation. She is out so little in comparrison to me and she tried to do this, it really hurts. I said to Mum that whats happened may very well break me. Whatever my sister is playing at has pushed me to the limit financially and mentally, the recovery for each is going to be long. She is talking and acting differently to what she was, I am really left to wonder how much or if any of what she has been saying isnt anymore than stories. If I were to find out that was the case the intensity of my rage would be known before I even spoke. I am struggling to control my anger at the consideration that it might be the case, I have no real evidence and Im mad. At this stage I dont feel the need to repay the money I used, in fact I think the money I borrowed from Dad should be her debt and she should be repaying the money Ive lost.

Im going back to bed in a minute, my sister is asleep at the table. Ive been up for around 3.5hrs, but Im trashed. Dad is still talking to me about taking the car to get serviced with him tomorrow morning, I think my sister may have to do it. The sudden change from getting a small amount of sleep to sleeping a lot, like heaps is really jarring. Initially I liked getting some sleep finally after months of little sleep, but its annoying being in bed as much as I am. I seem to be bouncing between the two, either little or way too much sleep, I cant just land on a reasonable amount of sleep.

I dont know whats happening but reasonably often what I have written through out the day disappear. Its getting really annoying.

Whatever is wrong with me at the moment is getting worse each day. Im really struggling with eating still, even the small amount I am eating makes me feel terrible. Im finding drinking more and more difficult, Im drinking less and less which I know is an issue. Im really only drinking the iced coffee to stop the acid. I have my GP appointment tomorrow at 10:45 to find out whats happening, but I have been really tempted to go into hospital today. God I still might. Im finding staying focused really hard, its often like Im looking at things through a perplex funnel top, things become really highlighted and its sorta the same with sound, certain sounds are highlighted and get really loud. People talking is hard to deal with, like my sister and Dad talking is hard to cope with. Unsuprisingly Im really tired and very weak. Everything aches.

Im really irritable and my sister is unfortunately coping that. Ive snapped at her a few times today. She just doesnt seem to realise when its time to shut up. People dont need to hear her babble constantly. Random comments of no meaning or benefit. Just sit quietly, do something constructive, just shut up.

She was falling asleep at the table, she didnt go to bed last night again. I told her a number of times to go to bed, in the end I got the shits up and basically commanded her to go to bed. Which she finally did. I dont understand her opposition to going to bed, she goes night after night sleeping at the table or not going to bed at all. She doesnt try and sleep, she just sleeps at the table or not at all. I dont get why and she needs to stop, she needs to start just going to bed. She needs to start eating real food, not take away like she does. She can get Lite n Easy subsidised by NDIS b9ut no we eat crap. She is all swollen, the ER doctor told her that shes full of wind, needs to move and eat some veggies, of course he was an idiot. Mum said the last time she drank heaps of Maccas Coke she got like this. Its just flavoured sugar and she is pounding it down. We really dont need avoidable illnesses, there are enough illnesses and crap without people making themselves sick.

I've come into hospital as the pain was getting pretty bad and I'm hot, really hot. I'm in the waiting area and everyone has jumpers on and I'm all sweaty. They have done the triage stuff so now just waiting to be seen. There's not many here so hopefully won't be long. I can't tell if it's my back or my stomach but pain is wrapping around my side.

Who would have thought you would feel this bad from not pooing.

I hate ER they take forever to see you. I'm steadily feeling worse, I got really hot and had to go outside for a while to cool off. I feel so full, like I've eaten for hours non-stop and it wants to come back out. I'm really struggling with the acid and I'm burping a fair bit.

I don't know if it has to do with being sick or my mental health but I've been having this thing where I'm looking through the top of a plastic funnel. Everything outside of it I can't really see anymore it's all blurry and it's just the through the hole at the end that I'm hyperfocused on. Sound is similar I become hyperfocused on a sound, like the TV and it gets really loud. It's annoying when someone breaks that.

After nearly 4hrs waiting at ER with less than 6 people waiting I gave up. I really dont know what the hell was going on, how they cant see a few people in a 4 hour period. I was due for my medication several hours before and I was really starting to feel the pain in my back creep up. For medical centres they really can be shit, they are aware you have night meds and that you havent taken them and that you have been waiting hours. The meds Im on they would be aware I cant just not have them at their set times. I get emergencies come in and you're triaged but in 4 hours I saw 3 doctors once each for 2 of them and the other twice. Thats pitiful. I have my GP tomorrow morning so Ill see how I go there, I really hope she doesnt send me to the hospital for something.

This is really getting me down, Im in pain all the time, I have to deal with all they psychotic experiences, sleep issues, procedures galore and now I have this constipation/intestine infection, it seems so minor in comparrison but its knocking me around me so much, I feel so unwell, my stomach hurts so much, my head is pounding. My back hurts, a lot, now my front half hurts as well. Pretty much my entire top half of my body hurts, a lot. Mentally things are not fantastic, there is some weird stuff happening, psychotic experiences are rampinng up, Im assuming that pain and just feeling as I do is influencing that.

I went to bed but didnt last long. Spasms were really bad. I said to my sister when I came down that I swear I am going to bite my tounge off one day. Some of the spasms caused me to thrash more than anything, like the mucsles just lost all control. Ive hurt myself again, the last couple were in my lumbar and that really hurts. With the intestine stuff it made that a fair bit worse. Mentally Im more challenged tonight/this morning (its 3am), the focus stuff is on full pelt, Im finding that a real challenge. Depression is hard, its hard to live with. Being constantly in pain, sick, dealing with mental health is getting to be too much. Its just one thing after another, constantly dealing with doctors and specialists, having procedures, dealing with constant pain, dealing with constant mental health issues. Not to mention the way my family treats all the above, treats me and the general family dynamic. Its just getting completely on top of me, its too much, too much to deal with. Im trying to keep going, keep addressing things one thing at a time, just take it one bit by one bit. But it seems like everything is coming at me all at once. I dont have a chance to even look at one problem before the next one is landing in my lap. Then there is the constant battle for the money to pay for all this, so much going to medical expenses. Seriously, money causes me such grief and I have to have money for medical stuff at the drop of the hat.

Its nearly 4am, Im going to have another go at trying to get some sleep. I have to be up at 9am for my doctors appointment, even if I get a few hours sleep its better than nothing. Well that didnt do shit, I just spasmed so more. I just got more and more frustrated, all for nothing. I got no sleep. Medicare is supposed to have rebated some money from a week ago and I still havent received it. Dad is lending me some money for my next doctors appt. I asked my sister to steal a smoke but she only has 2. She said to go to get some from Mum but I dont want to risk waking her. I only want a smoke cause Im so frustrated, I dont know what to do, I just want to get some sleep. Ive been able to with no problem for a fair few days now and now out of the blue I cant and Im incredibly tired and feel so weak. Im drinking little and peeing little now too. Pain has wrapped around which makes me worried for kidneys. But heres my body freaking out when I lay down for more than a couple minutes.

The pain is flaring up again, Im feeling really sick again. Im not hot yet. Im incredibly tired.I relly feel like throwing up, like its hard to keep that down. The spasms have followed me to my chair, rather than just staying in the bedroom.

Bit of TMI, Ive gone #2 once or twice in like 2 weeks, before that what I was doing was basically rocks. After a few days I was starting to feel really unwell, I was sleeping heaps, I had a lot of stomach pain, I ve been struggling to eat or eat much at all, I was getting really warm, I was getting a heap a acid up my throat, the only thing helping that was iced coffee. I left it a while but after a about a week I gave up and saw a doctor, they did xrays and blood tests. I felt really bad last night and went to ER but didnt get seen and gave up. I have my GP in a few hours, I really hope she can do something.

The GP I saw Monday was concerned that I have an intestinal infection or a blockage, hence the tests. Ive been struggling to drink much last few days, my right kidney is starting to hurt a fair bit. This would be pretty aweful to deal with on its own but when you add all the other shit on my plate its really hard. I tried to go to sleep a few times last night but spasms stopped it happening, however I did fall asleep the last time I went to bed, but after about an hour or so I woke up with acid coming up my throat. The spasms were bad again, I was thrashing about a bit, my shoulders are really sore as they and my neck are coping the brunt of it. All the intestinal problems probably stem from the pain medication I take, which I got to keep taking.

My sister said I'd be no good as a girl having to deal with having a period. Granted I don't know what they are like but what ever is wrong with my intestines is just the tip of what I'm dealing with. She doesnt know about the kidney thing, if its a thing that is but she know about the spinal pain and spasms. I dont think she realises or remembers how much she winges when shes sick etc. I mean shes got wind at the moment and she was complaining to me about that. I get to the doctors clinic and there's a msg from her asking for iced coffee. She couldn't give me a smoke like normal, she went and got some so she could have got some then and she's going out so she can get it herself.

So the results shows that I am basically full, opiod induced constipation. The laxitives Ive been taking arent right for this, they cause the intestines to contract, this causes you to be in even more pain than the constipation does. Being opiod induced theres paralysis of the large intestines. Being opiod induced we are limited on what laxitives we can use, so going with movicol. I got home and my sister asked what was said and I explained it and she said just constipation then. She just minimises everything, yes its constipation but it can cause some major side affects added to that it may be affecting the absorbtion of my medication. Shes been constipated plenty of times, I get that but not opiod induced which does seem to be different. I finally went to the loo and I feel a fair bit better, Im not in so much pain, it doesnt feel like someone is twisting my insides, I dont feel nearly as bloated. My GP has decided though that I am going to be on Movicol until I stop using the opiods.

Ive just noticed the amount of pain I was in with my back over past little while has reduced, I think what was happening with my intestines the bloating etc. has reduced heaps since I went to the loo and that has cause the pain to reduce, maybe there is a lot of pressure coming from my front onto my back.

She has to have a comment about everything, particularly my medical conditions, even when she has no idea about the condition. Like with my back, she has nothing to relate to, no one in my family does. So why they think they have any grounds to have an opinion is beyond me. Yeah she has had constipation before, more than a few times, mine is Opiod Induced, I dont know if that makes things different, I expect it must because they wouldnt have 2 different names for the same thing. But as the doctor on Monday said, it can make you feel they way I do. If it doesnt for my sister thats fine, but it has for me. As I said I think there is an interation between my back and my the OIC. I also dont think she realises just how much she winges when she is going though issues herself. I sat and groaned and moaned a fair bit, Ill admit that, I really felt/feel aweful. But there was no comments like what she makes to make sure you are fully aware that she isnt doing good. She seems to want to have input on my mental health too, she has her issues, Ive tried to help her with lessons Ive learned over the time I have dealt with my own conditions but I never judged what she said, I never determined if she was right or wrong about her thoughts, sometimes Ive tried to get her to see a different view point or way to process it but thats it. She however feels that is ok to judge, to determine how what I feel/see/percieve effects me. There is even a sense that she feel she can determine the ligitamacy of what I say I have experienced. As an example my anxiety limits some activities to certain times, my sister regularly tries to get me to do those activities during times that I find my anxiety is triggered. Even with my bladder cancer, I get tested every 6 months, I get pretty nervous around this time. The procedure its self hasnt been an issue until the last one, future ones wont bother me, but the potential that I have another tumor and that its a higher grade etc, that freaks me out. You do grow acustom to walking about not knowing if you're growing a tumor or not, but often its on your mind. Its a weird sensation, to know you have cancer but not if you have a tumor. It doesnt really have symptoms, so it doesnt really impact your life day to day until it does. Ive never bothered to talk to my sister about how I feel about having bladder cancer, a big part of the reason being her reactions to any of my illnesses but the other reason being that after I had surgery to remove the inital tumor, I said something about having bladder cancer and was very abruptly informed that I didnt have bladder cancer, it had been removed so no more bladder cancer. That was basically the extent of my discussion about me having bladder cancer.

Mum basically follows suit with my sister. Dad doesnt really say much, when it comes to procedures with different potential outcomes, like bladder cancer checks, the procedure for my spine. Maybe you will never have anymore tumors, maybe you will never have the pain return. There has never really been an actual discussion between any family member and myself about how I feel about any one of my conditions.

Ive stopped telling my family how Im feeling, any health issues Im having etc. that they dont actually need to know. Things like this OIC they were going to find out regardless, I have been physically very sick and it was kinda noticable. Things like my mental health, how its affecting me, my psychotic experiences. I rarely talk about my pain anymore. I sleep heaps and then I dont sleep, I dont talk about that, I just go to bed as I please. I mention the spasms when they prevent me sleeping, if its brought up by one of them, I dont talk to them about how painful they are, how they have hurt my shoulders a fair bit. It it doesnt directly impact them or would cause questions, then I dont say anything. Whats the point, they dont want to hear about it from the outset so why would I talk about with them now. They have made their opinions clear. When I spoke to them about the world not being real, etc. they didnt do anything, there was no ambulance, no hospital, no care.

Mum saw the doctor today, she has fluid on her lungs, she is not far off needing to need to go to hospital. My sister told my Mum and Dad her variation of what is wrong with me. I filled in some gaps and explained there are differences, Dad has a friend who gets this a lot and he has explained differences as well and it reminded him of what he had said. Again my sister playing down as much as she can and getting to Mum and Dad before I can. *edit my sister is giving nothing to me with whats going on, she is still confident in her position that its just constipation, she cant get it through he arrogant head that OIC and normal constipation is different, that there is paralasys in OIC not constipation.

Everytime I tried to sleep last night I was prevented by really bad spasms. I tried a number of times, I got an hour or so in the morning hours but was woken up to acid in my throat. I tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable spot, where I didnt spasm but got no where and it was so intense, it was repetative spasms and really intense, Ive kinda hurt my shoulders. So I had basically no sleep last night, so Im going to try and have a nap now.

So I tried to go to bed, Im stuffed, Im really really tired and I just spasm. My shoulders are incredibly sore, back is sore but not as bad as my shoulders. Im really irritable, the dogs are barking, again, its seriously doing my head in. There is one dog that just stands outside and barks at the moment, she is driving me absoultly mental. Clearly my sister is pushing my buttons, she happens to have come home and parked out the front and set the dogs off but wont do anything about them. Little things are really bugging me, not just little things others are doing but little things about me too.

We have 4 dogs, 3 full size golden retrivers and a mid-sized dog, 1 of the retrievers and the mid-sized dog are my sisters. She keeps buying special toys for the mid-sized dog, thats her special dog now, she gives the special toy to the special dog who plays with it for a bit and then drops it. One of the other dogs finds the toy and then proceeds to eat it. My sister sees them eating it, cracks the shits and buys another special toy for the special dog. Am I the only one that sees the error here. You have 3 large dogs, you might want to buy toys geared towards them, not the one little dog.

I dont know how to explain properly whats going on in my head, not like thought processes but just like mentally in general. My mind is kinda like a cave, people talk and the words get lost trying to find their way to me and vice versa. Im getting really easily startled. Sounds that typically wouldnt be loud seem to take over and become all I can hear. Like its deafening. I get hyperfocused on random things, like a sign or my tablet. I just stare at it and its all I can see. There is a weird emptyness, like nothings happening, which is really odd for me, my brain is always going but for long stretches its just nothing. My decision making is really poor, so much so that I am avoiding having to make any. Having done a little reading it would appear to me that this might be due to the opiod induced constipation, this might be preventing the proper absorbtion of my medication.

Maybe now we can stop sleeping at the fn table. My sister put her head down, she didnt doze off, she deliberately went to sleep at the table. A while later she flipped out for some reason and sent shit on the table flying including an open drink she had which went all over the place. Thankfully all my stuff is on stands. Beds are for sleeping, maybe she should try doing that.

You know what I can not believe, I havent been able to eat shit for about 10 days, Ive had small amounts here and there but not much, for the last few days I havent eaten anything and yet I am still being asked what I am going to have for tea. My large intestines are full, there is no where for food to go.

I had my morning medications late this morning but I didnt sleep last night normally Id wait until later so it was a decent amount of time between doses but I seriously need to get some sleep. To do that I need one of my medicatons that I have at night, well to have any chance that is.

These spasms are really frustrating, without the night med it is unlikely that I am going to manage to get through them and actually fall asleep. With the night meds, the spasms still happen but are less intense and I am able to get to a point where they are calm enough that I can fall asleep. Without them they are intense, like yank arms and throw head around, back gets jared forward suddenly, legs cramp hard and kick. Every position you lay in has its own spasms, you bounce between each position trying and hoping that you land a position with minimal spasms atleast to have a rest if not to sleep.

I asked my sister earlier today if we had laxiatives [medication name removed by moderator] for I bought a box a while ago and didnt end up needing it all, it was for a colonoscopy so I gave it to my sister cause she uses it. I ask her at like 7:30 where it is and she starts carrying on that its hers but its over there. If you didnt want me using it why wouldnt you say something when I talked to you. I couldnt see where it was from over there, I asked for a bit more direction and got told by having a go at me. How hard is it to kindly tell me, not just because Im crook but because Im a freaking human.

Shes not nearly as generous as she makes out to be, all these things she says she says that she has bought for Mum I find out later she has billed Mum for them. I got her to buy me a 2 ltr iced coffee, $7, she had me repay her, despite me buying I dont know how many Macca's Cokes for her. But its not just that sorta stuff, its the generous spirit. She said about a medication I could get that could help with the cramps associated with constipation. I yet again explained that its a different kind of constipation, the large intestines becomes paralysed, I would think putting a medication that stops cramps would be bad for a situation where they are paralysed. Here response is whatever, again its this dismissive, minimising and just not a generous spirit. Being informed that there are different kinds of constipation, that the cause is different, the effect is different is one thing, accepting it, appreciating it is a completely different thing. Being generous in spirit would allow you to do this but being arrogant, bitter you cant do it. I dont know if the issue is that she wants to have the corner in this field, she can have it, but it is different, it is a different type of constipation.

My sister asked me if I tried a sepository I said No, she asked why and I said they havent recommended that. She started to question further further and then with her hand brushed me away. She cant get it through her hed that its not just constipation as she knows it, its different. I cant just treat it the same as normal constipation, some medications that are ok for normal constipation is really bad for OIC. She cant get it through her head, its not the same, the treatment is different. I cant do what I want, I cant do what you think is best. If I did then I would likely be in more pain than I am now.

She really does seem not to understand that there is a difference between OIC and normal constipation, that the treatment is different and normal treatment could cause me to be in a lot more pain. It was interesting last night Dad and I briefly spoke and he admitted that even normal constipation can make you feel really unwell, I did that. Apparently Mum is about over her crap as well. I wish she would actually say something to my sister rather than let it go on, because it basically is approving what my sister is saying.

I actually got some sleep last night, I went to bed reasonably early and woke up around 11. I was up for about an hour and was actually hungry so I had something to eat, almost an entire meal. First one in ages, maybe over a week. Have to be because I had ordered my lite and easy a week before and not eaten a full meal from it. I went back to sleep and slept for another 5 hours, I woke up feeling pretty good. I went to the loo again and again made me feel even better. My stomach feels almost normal again, bloating has gone down heaps, it doesnt feel like its in knots, it doesnt hurt nearly as much.

Im thinking about going back to bed and seeing if I can get some more sleep, Im still tired but not, so Im not sure that I will end just laying there and spasming. Ive really hurt my left shoulder with the spasms, its causing me some issues using it, but for the most part Im getting around it.

I did go back to bed and I got a few more hours sleep, as I walked to my room I walked past my sisters room and she asked if I was ok, she was just laying in bed, I said yeah, then it was what am I doing, I told her I was going back to bed. I dont know why she has to ask, just leave me alone. Whats it to her, shes in bed. Why does she need to know what Im doing, where Im going etc all the time. Its the same with Mum and Dad but she is asking me what they are doing. How the hell would I know and why does she need to know. If we ant to know the same about her she cracks it. I will be saying something to her going forward. Its interesting that when I went back to bed, I laid down I moved a couple of times and fell asleep with only minor spasms. It was solid sleep too, it was only a couple hours butt solid. If I didnt need to pee Id still be asleep. I have however woken up in quite a lot of pain in my back. Im pretty tempted to go back to bed, not so much because Im tired but to lay down. I cant remember what time I had my night meds, I think like 8 or 8:30. I feel like I have had them for like 20 hours. If I dont have them within a certain amount of time of them being due I feel really off, dizzy, weird etc. I knida feel like that now, I feel a bit out of it. Its not a pleasant feeling, though my neck and shoulders are incredibly sore so it might relate to that. I cant tell it Im hot or cold, Im bouncing between the two. Im feeling a bit bloated again, which isnt great.

I went back to sleep and got a few more hours, Im still feeling quite wonky. Its nearly 1:30pm Ive slept heaps. Ive had some time awake over the past I dont know how long. Its got to be close to 15 hours. My sister and Dad were out when I woke up, they have come home, Im really finding the noise hard to deal with, it actually feels like I am being beaten with it, like its almost got its own matter and I am physically feeling it. Its so in your face, particularly my sister who is really loud at the moment.

My sister acts like she is the authority on pain and illness, Ill admit she has experienced her fair share of both. She has had some terrible experiences in her life, medically, mentally and in her personal life. I dont deny that she has a lot of experiences with pain and illnesses, honestly some of the stuff she has gone through I feel really bad for her that she had to have those experiences. Ive had my own experiences, as has every person in my family, well every person in general I suppose. Its this attitude that she is an authority, that she knows all there is to know about these experiences, mine and anyone elses. Its this arrogant perspective that she can determine how much of an impact the experiences can have on a persons life. Deciding how much a person can be limited by their conditions. No matter the condition, there is a window in which she will give you a break, more so give you the time to either recover from the condition or get over it. As a rule there isnt room for complaining about the condition, Ive found even groaning and moaning is frowned upon.

My Mum has a really bad heart, she doesnt do the things that she is supposed to, she isnt as active as the doctors have told her to be. She sleeps quite a lot, though sometimes not that much. She goes through periods of being able to do stuff and periods of not being able to do much. Ill be honest its frustrated me in the past, I think some changes to her way of life and she would be far better but she is also contending with depression, she was faced to an extent with her own mortality and for some reason she has stopped rather than a new lease on life. My sister has had a very short sighted and cold attitude, its almost like she expects Mum to act as if she were doing all the things the doctors were saying and she was responding as well as possible and therefore her not doing those things is just lazyness.

Dad has Stage 4 Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma he is sick and in pain all the time, but she treats him like there is nothing wrong. She asks him to do stuff, move furniture and other random stuff. Much of whats asked is stuff my sister doesnt want to do and tries to palm off to others. It amazes me how much shopping and stuff she wants to do that she can but then when it comes to mundane things, stuff she isnt interested in she tries to get someone else to do it. Dad is having to do everything at the moment, Im out of commission currently and my sister wont help much, I mean she cant even do her own washing, so he has enough on his plate without the additional stuff she wants him to do.

As you would be aware I have a number of conditions I contend with. It doesnt matter the condition its never as severe as I "make" it out to be. The limitations I have are always irrelevant or to restrictive. Im never in as much pain or as sick as I say I am. I am always over reacting, particularly with my mental health but in general I am overboard with how I am feeling. It doesnt matter what evidence there is, what doctors or specialists have said, I am never as bad as I act and I should be capable of doing the things I normally do irrespective of affects of the conditions and the limitations they impose. She always has something to say, a judgement to pass, one that she has no trouble sharing with everyone else or trying to impose upon me. There is no room for me to complain about anything I am experiencing, not even to explain why I cant do something, that is almost always met with hostility. To say for the umteenth time that I cant go into town due to what time it is because of my anxiety, she doesnt want to accept it, she doesnt want to deal with my limitation, I am not supposed to have that limitation, I should just get over it, just deal with the anxiety or just not have the anxiety because she doesnt in that instance. My pain is something I dont understand, the strength of my pain medication alone would be indication enough just how much pain I am dealing with but she has determined that I am not in the pain Im in, that its not as limiting as I say. She has decided that I am being pathetic. Even with the constipation, she cant accept that there is a difference between constipation and OIC and that the affect of OIC is very different. Something so simple.

I said yesterday or the day before how she said that I would not make a good woman as I wouldnt deal with having a period. I dont know what they are like so Im not going to comment. But she doesnt really deal with having her period, she complains the whole way through, same with her being sick or in pain, you know very well that she is, she reminds us often enough with her comments. We cant do that, she would crack the shits.

Ive just been speaking to my Mum or a while, she is tired of hearing about all the little bullshit that my sister goes on about, how Dad and I dont do this or that, she asked for this to be done and it wasnt. How she acts about everyones conditions. I said that she keeps issues alive between Mum and others, she brings stuff up, she reiterates stuff things Mum has said they did, adds to it. She has pushed wedges between family and Mum so they made bigger issues. She does it on the other side too.

Mum said that my sister has a really high pain threshold, she does stuff without blinking that others would have real issues. She doesnt have a high pain threshold, shes got experience, she has been through it. If she was faced with dysfunctional joints all the sudden, she wouldnt know how to react, what to do. My sister isnt some kinda pain super hero, she has had some experiences which have made her more tolerant to the process but she still feels the pain, she still winges, she still takes the pain killers that she can get them to prescribe. No different to Mum or myself. Dad is a bit different, he is prescribed pain killers but wont take anything strong often because it makes him feel drowsy, he wont deal with it long enough to grow accustome to it. He just accepts the pain and pushes through, something I dont understand or can do.

My sister always acts like the pain killers she has been given are insufficent, that the doctors are holding out on her. I have major spinal pain, Ive had 22 years of pain, a lot of it with very little pain management, a lot of it dealing with the pain without pain medication. Now they know whats wrong, I am being provided with pain medication that is managing the pain Im in. The pain medication isnt a small dose of medication, Im on far more pain medication than my sister, or anyone else in the family has ever been on, more than Ive ever been on. Doctors dont prescribe pain medication based on pain thresholds, they prescribe it on the amount of pain medication warranted for the condition. So if you have an injury there is pain medication that may be prescribed, the amount/strength has a range suitable for the injury. They will always give you the least pain medication they can to treat your pain. If you say that its not enough there is a maximum that they will go up to for that particular injury. I dont know if I have reached the maximum myself, I know that what has been prescribed was not a challenge, the doctor was quite happy to prescribe it. Given my history with pain medication this is unusual. To say my sister has a higher pain threshold than the rest of us, kinda negates the pain I deal with and have dealt with for years.

My stomach hasnt been so bad today, its calming down and is just uncomfortably more so now, though I feel like I have to fart really badly. Its Mums birthday tea tonight so Im going to have a small amount to eat and see how I go. My head still feels like its swiming through custard, Im having a bit of difficulty working things out, you might have realised from the way Im writing. Im pretty tired, I am really looking forward to going back to bed tonight. If it wasnt Mums thing I would have gone back to bed already. Sound is still really bothering me, specially loud noise, dominering noise. Netflix is ok, constant sound, background noise is fine. Its stuff like clanging of pots and pans, my sisters loud voice etc. I dont get that, she talks so loudly then she will talk to me and she will lower her voice so its barley able to be heard, knowing Im a bit hard of hearing. I need very normalised sound at the moment. The very loud is really hard to deal with, the very quite is frustrating. My mind is very floaty, like its a boat on an ocean, constantly moving up and down, side to side. I cant get a firm fixture on a solid footing. Other than what I am writing here my mind is blank. When I turn my head, my vision takes a moment to catch up. I feel like I am making my way through thick custard, like I can move forward, but there is resistance, it takes effort. I drove into town this morning but I wouldnt try at the moment, I dont think I would actually manage it. I dont know what going on, Im really not feeling right, Ive been feeling a bit like this for a few days, I dont know if it has to do with the constipation and how that is affecting my medication, if at all.

I turned off the heater while my sister was asleep, I keep getting really hot. She woke up and asked can we not have this on, and I replied a little coldly that she can turn it on. I got a whole thing about why am I so grumpy, and I replied, why do you think? Immediately it was I have done anything. I never said she did. It, amazingly has nothing to do with her. Ive been sick for 2 weeks, Im in incredible pain for months, Im having major mental health issues, you know all about this, why do you think Im grumpy. Do you think I should be dancing for joy. Your grumpy often enough and we all have to deal with it, seemingly for no reason. But of course I have no real problems, so what right do I have to have emotions.

A bit before that she found out that my Mum was not coming down tonight now. Mum has fluid on her lungs, she is trying to recover and avoid hospital, but really sick. There was an idea for everyone to go down with the cake for Mum. My sister, "Im out" she cracked the shits. Absolutly no care for Mum, she showed no sympathy for her being sick. Regardless of how you feel about how she is dealing with her situation, she is sick and you should show some consideration for that. There is plenty my sister does, sleeping at the table, that none of us agree with but she continues to do it.

My mental health is such an unstable thing, it seems to fluctuate so much on a regular basis, like Im never sure how things will feel mentally day to day. I try to present myself the same day to day, I try not to allow my mental status each day have to great of an influence on my interaction and the way I present myself each day. I try to present myself as a generally pleasent and kind person, I try to be simple and stay out the way, just try to keep to myself as much as I can in a house full of people. Thats my big thing I think, keep to myself, that way if it isnt a good day people wont know, additionally, people dont really want me around anyhow. I do my best to hide my mental health side, to hide how it affects me, how it affects my way of being. Its hard to do, for the most part its hiding me away, limiting my interactions. Every interaction I have, particularly when I am not doing well, is an opportunity for things to go sour and people to have an issue. They dont understand my physical issues, they understand my mental health conditions even less and they are not accepting of mood swings etc they treat that like its something I should be able to control.

I really have difficulty, more so of late, with my psychotic experiences. Disassociation is frequent, so are hallucinations and this stuff where my mind just up and switches off. Im really struggling with my depression, that hasnt faltered for some time. To an extent my Mum should understand my depression, my sister will refuse to understand it, she refuses to see anyone except herself as having mental health issues, hers are far worse than anyone elses, I can only put this down to the attempts. I appreciate the severity of the attempts, it doesnt however negate that others suffer from their own hell, just because they havent made the choice to make an attempt on their life doesnt make their hell any less traumatic. No one in my family can understand the psychotic experiences. None of them have experienced it and its hard for me to describe it fully, to put across the feeling behind it all, its not just seeing something or feeling something, there is a feeling that comes along with it, it stimulates an emotional response as well. The constant experiences, depression, changes to my emotions, the feeling that I am losing control of my mental stability, the ability to control my mind and the perception of the world around me is kinda scary, its incredibly frustrating, its tiring and quite lonely.

Its really hard when you tell people in your family about it and they hardly acknowledge it and brush it off with a joke or something. Its so difficult when your not understood, when what you are experiencing isnt given any validity. If people cant/wont validate your experiences, if they cant/wont appreciate how disturbing it would be to become seperated from the world, to see people as not real, to see, hear and feel things that are not real. If they can on percieve it as a words, not real life, not a real experience then they will never appreciate the feelings behind it, they can never understand how those experiences feel. From my perspective, its not something they want to understand or appreciate, if they did they would spend sometime talking to me about my experiences and not fobbing them off. But ofcourse that will be my fault because the one time they reached out I was feeling overly sensitive about it that day and shut it down or something.

When my sister woke up she said that she was so cold and she was so tired. It wasnt cold, the fire is on, but she could have put on an oodie. Dad feels the heat and as Ive said a few times, I keep getting really warm (freezing at the moment). She could have made an effort to do something to warm up herself but no. The whole being tired thing, Im sick of it. Go to bed, have a bed time and go to bed. Be a damn adult FFS.

My Mum did actually come down for tea, the family therapy thing was abruptly brought up by my sister, who said I didnt want to go, which I dont, I dont see the point, I think shes full of shit, shes back being friends with Mum, I feel like she has just been using me, so no Im not going. Ill go when Mum goes to be there for Mum but only for the first session and its just to be there for Mum. There is something going on with my sister, I dont know what it is, I dont particularly care anymore, Im so done with her bullshit and I think everyone is getting that way. Besides that, I have all my own shit to deal with, on my own, Im focused on dealing with that and getting back to work. If she wants to play games she can play without me. My tolerance level for this, for her, is gone. My parents dont know what to do, so they do nothing, leaving me dangling dealing with her bullshit. She had a dig about the Movicol, am I going to buy my own or just use hers. I know I gave her a heap after my colonoscopy but she doesnt want a bar of that, she has this thing of everything is hers. I must pay for everything and anything of hers I use. But again that doesnt go in reverse. Her attitude towards me, towards my feelings, towards my conditions, towards every aspect of me, I cant cope with anymore, I cant do it. She might be justified, I dont know how, maybe I am just a really big arsehole, maybe Im selfish and I should just keep putting her first. I dunno, all I know is I cant deal with it. I dont have the mental or emotional strength to deal with her. Im too much work myself, honestly I am, having to deal with my conditions alone is proving to be a challenge that I am struggling with, some days its a challenge that I am very close to failing. I just dont have the capacity to deal with her conditions and her situations as well and thats something she doesnt want to hear or understand. I keep circiling the same drain, Im really fighting to not sink further and I have been making myself a priority more so of late, well for a while. Im at the point where Im going to start being a damn site more direct and politely but firmly tell her to shove it up her arse.

Im going to bed in a moment, I havent been awake much today but I am extraordinarily tired, Im very worn out. Im fighting being pretty sick, pain trouble sleeping and spasms and my mental health issues simultaniously, along with changes to my medication. Tackling everything at once is overwhelming and is taking a toll on me.

I tried to go to sleep but I just spasmed and I eventually gave up in quite alot of frustration. Im going to have another dose of medication in a little while, I need to allow some time between the two. Before I went to bed there were a few issues from my sister, she really doesnt know when her input, her attitude is really unhelpful. She doesnt know when to stop, she is too busy trying to be right to realise what she is doing to others. Just over tea, I wasnt up for eating much and just wanted a little bit of meat, she decided to have an issue with that. She said that meat causes constipation, the amount I planned to eat wasnt going to do shit but I wasnt up for the arguement. She then said I should have vegetables and I said I didnt want any veggies and she kept on going and I put my hands to my head and tried to calmly tell her that I didnt want veggies and to drop it. I wasnt overly hungry, I havent eaten much of late, I just felt like some meat, the taste of it. I like roast meat and just felt like a little bit, not a meal of meat. There was a number of little things, there was the family therapy thing, a general attitude of hostility that even Mum commented on a few times. By the time it was all over I was pretty mad, so when I went to bed I wasnt in a good frame of mind, it was going pretty flat out, then add the spasms, I just ended up pretty wild. So I went for a drive and got some more smokes and tried to calm down a bit. By the time I got home I was still pretty grumpy though I was still projecting an ok attitude and spoke to Dad pleasantly.

Im so incredibly hurt by my sister and Im having a hard time processing this, I did so much for her, Ive been through it a few times so I wont rehash here. Despite what I did she cant even allow me to use a few of her Movicol, she asked tonight if I was going to buy my own or use all hers. I used a couple last night and tonight. As I said to Mum if it were an issue for me to use what we had at home, why when I asked if we had some would she not volunter that she wasnt happy to let me use them, I would have bought more while I was in town. But no she is being a jerk. Ive gotten into 10's of thousands of dollars in debt to help her and she feels the need to bring up my use of a few Movicol. Thats not to mention the loss of about $800 a month in income as Im on SCI. My sister is caught up on that being a result of my back, but it came about due to my mental health as a result of what I went through with my her. Months later Im still dealing with this, she doesnt seem to care about that or anything else Im dealing with.

I dont expect to be rewarded for helping her through a rough time, you dont do it for that reason. I do expect that she show some appreciation, not say I appreciate it and then go about treating you like her lackie. When you say that you have to take a step back you get an attitude, you get treated as if you no longer care, like you have just dumped her without any support. But she had a heap, she was in the hands of many people. At the time I took a step back, she had other support and I was at a point where I needed to look after me. Ever since I made that decision she has done what she can to make that as challenging as possible. From the carry on with the car to minimising my situations. The way she treats me regarding my health issues, her attitude, her lack of compassion, how dismissive she is, how she diminishes my experiences. Given how much support I gave her unconditionally, the amount of time I spent with her trying to help and support her you would think that she would give me a little of the support I gave her. She can barely admit that I have an issue let alone support me in them. I dont expect her to sit and listen to me about my mental health issues, that would be unfair but something as simple as as the OIC, she cant even admit that it is different to normal constipation. She cant even appreciate that OIC has a different origin, something she hasnt experienced. She cant admit that OIC and constipation can cause you to have other symptoms and make you very sick and that happened to me. She made a fair song and dance about it, for what reason. Im unable to do much anyhow due to my pain, so there was little change and I wasnt winging, I was moaning and groaning in pain and discomfort.

While I was looking after her I ran out of money often, in the early days my sister helped with this. This has become a point of contention for my sister, it was an issue at the time. When I looked at my bank statement I could only come up with around $2k, my sister came up with $4.5k and then told my Mum between $6-8k. I could have gone for a grant through work to pay for this. I needed some documents from my sister however she has not provided them as such I have been unable to make the application. They wont accept the application for her now, its too late and I was clear that I wasnt going to foot the bill if she didnt get her shit together. Added to which, if they did accept her application I wouldnt be able to put one through for myself, so that is a relief for me. I dont feel bad about it, I gave her plenty of reminders, I did what I could to get her to do what she needed to do but she chose not to.

I dont know what to make of all the differences between what Mum says and my sister says, the stuff my sister is basing her claims on about Mum are refuted by Mum who gives a different story, with some evidence at times. I mean the picking stuff up, my sister has far more stuff than Mum so it stands to reason Mums stance that she was picking stuff up for herself and Mum would add to it on occassions makes more sense, especially in light of the meals stuff, my sister saying she has to go in and get take away for Mum, when Dad has been with Mum and she has been less enthusiastic about it, it was my sisters idea. More and more the idea that Mum was abusing my sister doesnt seem right, especially when my sister has gone back to spending a great deal of time with Mum and treating her the way she did before, like best friends. It makes me feel like Ive been played. That I spent all that time with her etc, worrying etc and Im now left feeling like it was one great big performance.

I talk to Mum and Dad a bit, but I dont speak to them a huge amount, I dont speak to my sister a huge amount though, especially given we sit across from one another heaps. More and more I am talking to her less, I dont really want to speak to her much at all. She is so duplititous, I dont trust her anymore, she goes to Mum and talks about what I have and havent done all the time, so much of it is so petty and again she dismisses and deminishes my conditions. I dont do something due to one of my conditions and that is not acceptable and its reported, its talked about as though I didnt do it due to lazyness, again her attitude around my conditions is taken to Mum. Its just not acceptable that I have the conditions I do and that they affect her life. I dont know if she knows that I hear about these conversations or if she thinks its all secret, or if she cares at all.

The way she treats me, her attitude towards me, particularly my conditions, I have tried to tolerate as best I can for as long as I can, but its no longer acceptable and its going to be treated as such. I get she has her issues but thats not an excuse for treating people so poorly, especially when they have their own issues and you are aware of that. Im not deliberately going to antagonise the situation, Im not going to try and start fights, but Im not going to put up with it anymore. Primarily Im going to minimise interacting with her at all, Im not going to be talking to her about my issues much at all anymore, whats the point. When she winges about that, that will be my responce. Im not ignoring her, Im just not starting anything much. Ill be civil but not much more.

I had another go at going to sleep, Im really very tired it was quater to 3 when I went to bed. I tried for half an hour but the spasms were so bad and getting worse. By the end I was being crushed like a can or flailing around like long hair being blow dried. It doesnt help that my stomach is really painful. I got up incredibly frustrated, I really want to go to sleep. Im really really tired. When I went to have an extra dose of the med, I realised I hadnt taken the original dose, so I will take another dose in a little while. It is a little hard right at the moment, Ive had all my meds and combined they all make me quite drowsy, Im already really tired so Im really struggling with being awake and out of bed. I just want to be in bed again, Id be happy to just be resting but I cant even just lay in bed. See even that, there is no appreciation of this, there is no understanding of how frustrating this is. They dont understand how hard it is to not be able to sleep because your having serious spasms. I dont even think they register the severity of the spasms. They hurt a lot. Losing control of your body is a very disempowering feeling, I find it more so given that its happening in bed. Somewhere I feel so safe. I am glad that it isnt happening during the day, that its not impeeding me more than what I am already impeeded by my other conditions. However, at times Id like my family to see them, it probably wouldnt make a huge difference in their opinions, it would probably annoy my sister but they would know they were real and I wasnt lying.

While I dont have evidence, I do have a stong feeling that, that is what I am facing. That it is believe that I am lying, that I am exaggerating at the very least. Given Mum is in her room all the time and the information she gets really comes from my sister, it stands to reason she is the instigator of this. There is the thing of her experiences being worse, which has been true, but doesnt mean Im not having my own experiences. It doesnt matter what the condition there is always a reason to minimise or dismiss it.

I got a few hours sleep finally, it took two doses as I planned, that was enough to finally allow me to overcome the spasms. I woke up a few times and didnt feel right. Ive woked up now I think for the last time for the night, its 1pm. I done feel right at all, my head doesnt feel right, its hard to put in to words. I keep having weird sensations in my extremities, like pins and needles but different. I went back to bed and slept to 5pm. I feel a little better than I did early today but still not flash. I dont like the feeling, I dont like this feeling of trying to play catch up with processing what is around me, I feel like I am constantly playing catch up with what Im seeing, hearing etc. Everything is happening so qiuckly outside me and so slowly inside my. Light and sound is uncomfortable, not painful but uncomfortable.

My sister is clearly in a lousy mood, she is wandering around making it well known that she is unhappy. She is not happy with me, that is clear but it seems to be more than that. With any luck she wll keep it to herself, I dont feel like an argument tonight. Its not that I dont care that she is unhappy, its that so much makes her unhappy that I am immune to it. You cant take issue with as many things as my sister does, continually having a issue with this or that, the reasons for having issues seems to change like one day something will be ok the next it wont be, to have take issue with so many things, people around you just become immune to you taking issue with things.

I went to have a shower and got caught up talking to Mum again. Apparently my sister was complaining about how much worse her constipations have been, and they have been bad, Ill give you that. I dont know how thats supposed to make me deal with with my OIC better. Like how does one persons experience make another persons experience easier. Again its dismissing my experience because its not as bad as hers. No one knows what to do, how to act, everyone is stuck because they are worried that if they do anything it might cause her to try again, so they feel like they are being held hostage by her. I will admit that there is a bit of me that feels this way. I came back, got dressed and sat down, my sister sat down soon after asked if I had had a shower or just talked to Mum and I said I talked to Mum. The next question was what were we speaking about, I said just shit and got an oh, not a happy one, but its as pleasant as she has spoken to me in a few days. I dont ask her what Mum and her speak about, its got nothing to do with me. Same goes for her, what Im speaking to Mum about has nothing to do with her.

Ive been up for a few hours now, I dont feel so horrible, not like I did earlier. Im still having issues with hyperfocusing on noise etc, which is really hard to deal with. My sister is doing something at the moment with some arts and crafts thing she is doing, what ever she is doing is causing me to hyperfocus on that, while Im trying to watch Star Trek. I was putting things back together on the table, tidying up. Im almost done and my sister decides that I she can add to that and I cant take some of her crap. I said, very calmly, that Im sure you can take it yourself. It not a big thing but I really dont feel like doing shit for her, she can clean up after herself. She doesnt clean up after me, she does her best to pull me down, to dismiss and diminish my conditions and how I feel. I spent months and tens of thousands helping her and that wasnt appreciated in any way. I cant see that there isnt some truth in this Mum said this and Mum said she didnt etc. If it wasnt for the concern that she may do something she would be getting her medication back, I really dont feel like doing anything for her at all, I regularly get told to fill the water bowl, bring in the dogs etc. she can damn well do that herself.

Im really tired, Im worn out, Im completely broke, Im hurt and I dont see that being resolved anytime soon, she does not recognise she could have hurt me, or anyone. Physically my health is struggling, mentally I am really having difficulty. Overall, I am not doing well, I dont know how to move forward, what to tackle first, everythings coming at me at once. This doesnt take into account the demands of my sister and my family and my desire to return to work. Its not that I dont care, its that I feel that I have been used enough and Im not willing to be so anymore. I think the kick in the guts is the attitude and treatment of me towards my medical and mental conditions. If she cant have some appreciation for what Ive been dealing with in regards to the OIC, but she has chosen to focus on how hers was so much worse. Having experienced a similar situation, worse but she can understand what I have been dealing with, you would think she would understand etc. but no she was telling Mum how much worse mine was and from what I can infer that I needed to get over it.

Its Monday morning, Im honestly not sure where I am up to with writing so I have started fresh. Over the past couple of days I havent been fantastic, I have slept a ton. Im up for a couple hours or so and then back to bed, I did a bit of writing but not a huge amount. I keep waking up and feeling very weird in the head, like dizzy but just my brain. Brain fade. Just wonkyness. To the point I didnt drive yesterday. I drove in this morning, I need to take Mum in today. Once thats done I think Ill probably end up back in bed. I am not enjoying the feeling that I have in my head, it seems to make me quite tired, part of it is that I dont want to deal with the feeling, but given that I would spasm a huge amount if it were just trying to escape the feelings, there is an underlying issue.

I can't get over how much I have slept in past couple days. I'd get up thinking that was it and I was done sleeping and I'd not sooner thought that as I was dozing off at the table. To be honest I'd like to be asleep now or atleast back in bed but Mum and Dad need my help. I haven't been eating or drinking much lately so I'm thinking that's part of it.

I reckon my pain has dropped 30-40% now that I'm not so bloated etc. I stood talking to Dad for quite a while, my legs hurt before my back became an issue. Which hasn't been the case in a really long time. I think my pain specialist will do the procedure again. Hopefully it doesn't spark things up again if he does. Im really sore from all the spasms, my shoulders, particularly my left, are really painful. The spasms are bothering me more than the pack pain.

Mum got in the car and said I need to tidy it, its tidy she means clean it. Which I dont understand how she expects me to do that. It would cause so much pain if I were to try. The fun thin is its not really any more dirty than when my sister had it. She never cleaned it. I got handed a trash heap and it's expected I'd clean it with my back issues. I can barely pick up the rubbish. It is a goal of mine though if for no other reason than to say thank you.

My sister asked Mum what her and I were talking about after not getting anywhere having asked me. What's it to her, I can talk to Mum about anything I want and she has no right to know or ask. She barged in towards the end of us talking, she didnt apologise and excuse herself realising we were still talking she just carried on with what she was wanting to say. I didn't say anything I left. We were basically done so it didn't matter but my sister did it on purpose knowing we were talking.

A while ago my sister convinced her support worker to help her find my posts here on SANE by claiming I did a blog, she knew full well it wasn't that, that it was private and not for her to read. But she decided to snoop anyhow. I cant talk to Mum about stuff, I cant post online without my sister trying to find out what has been said. It's such an invasion of privacy, she has no right to know or even ask. If I want to talk to her about it then I'll bring it up, other than that keep out of it.

Mum did confirm with me yesterday that my sister dismisses all my conditions. It's not as bad as hers so it doesn't have any relevance. Like the constipation was not as bad as hers so I shouldn't be hindered by mine at all. She doesnt take into account the full picture, not that mine made me feel really sick etc. But it affected my back and my mental health. That it wasn't just constipation but OIC and that is different and has different treatment or treatment restrictions as it were.

I feel quite done with my sister, not that I dont love her, that I won't look out for her. But I'm not going out my way to make her feel better, especially if I feel worse as a result. I'm not cleaning up after her she knows how to. I'm not sparing her feelings and torturing mine. Like I didn't say anything about her trying to find my messages on SANE when she told me. I helped her an extraordinary amount for nearly 6 month and lost so much and everyone is on about the amount I owe her, an amount that varies depending on who you ask, what about everything I'm out because of this? And I really question the ligitamcy of many of your claims about Mum. I've got my issues with Mum and I'm sure some of what you say is legit. But your actions since coming home call into question things like her being abusive etc. Should you be moving out as you asked the other day. You can but I think under your own steam, what have you said to make you priority 1 for a house, what I'm hearing from Mum and seeing in your interaction I find it hard to see some escaping from severe abuse, someone needing priority 1 help right up there with mothers trying to escape with a 2 month olds father who does all sorts of things. I think you moving out might wake you up a bit, make you realise how good you have it. I know Im on a good wicket but you seem completely oblivious. I know what awaits when I move out and Im not doing it as a game, that when if gets too hard Ill just move back. I really dont think thats at all fair to get yourself Priority 1 for a holiday.

I took Mum to the doctor and to get her leg done. After that she wanted to get smokes, which meant shopping. Mum is irritating to go shopping with, everything is looked at for ages and mulled over forever. After quite a very long time I said to Mum that we need to hurry up I was starting to get really sore, but no we kept on going, I ended up in a fair bit of pain. She was talking to me about getting a caravan for my sister to do her arts and crafts in etc. Spending $5k etc for her, I can guarentee that its not something they would do for me. When we were in the grocery store I had the most massive pain in my stomach, It was really bad and buckled me over a bit. Mum caught the end of it, asked if I were ok and I told her what had happened and we moved on. Im assuming that part of my large intestine became paralysed, it was really unpleasent. I did find out that my Mum is now also seeing my doctor on a regular basis, I said sometime ago that after the fiasco with my Mum and Sister sharing a doctor that I didnt want Mum to see the doctor I see and here she is ignoring my request and seeing my GP.

We are home now, Ive settled down. Im pretty well on the way to being tired again. The spacy feeling is a bit full on, if confusion could be a feeling thats what my mind feels at the moment.

My sister has a very lopsided view of things, that people shouldnt talk to her in any other tone than plesant. Apparently she was complaining about me talking to her like shit and Dad happened to be there when I had spoken and it was out of exasperation, not talking to her like shit. She cant handle anyone talking to her or at her in anyway that she can interpret as being negative, I talk to her like shit, I say no to her etc. any and everytime what I say or do can be interpreted as talking to her like shit etc she winges to Mum. She cant imagine that I have my own shit going on and some days her bullshit is a bit much for me. Some days my life is too much for me to deal with and I just want to be left alone and not deal with her problems, especially the ones that she encourages. I dont want to hear how tired you are if you wont go to bed, on a nightly basis and I mean bed, not the table. Have a reasonable bed time and go to bed, you can obviously sleep as you are doing it at the table. If I dont want to do something for you, get over it, seriously get over it, be it because Im in pain, I dont feel well or I just dont want to, I have that right, you are not actually in charge of me. You dont have any right to tell me what to do or how to act. I help you a lot, I helped you a huge amount and you dont acknowledge it, you tend to forget what people do for you very quickly and its never enough. Thats going to change, Im not here to serve you and if you like it or not Im not well, I have a number of conditions Im dealing with and sometimes my mental health wins out, sometimes my mental health impacts me and drains me of so much energy that yes, your very minor request seems massive and overwhelming, too much for me to contend with, to much for me to do. She doesnt seem to get that the things that she experiences, others do too, like the small things can become overwhelming. That the small things can build up and seem massive. My sister really thinks its her way or not at all, she really thinks she is entitled to dictate how things will be, what you will do.

Apparently my sister told me that I was to feed a big thing of yougurt to the dogs, I havent been feeding the dogs for ages due to my health conditions, so I dont know why she would ask me. I dont remember a word being said about the yogurt, not at all. Had she I would have suggested that she do that herself. Ive made it clear to my parents Im not feeding the dogs anymore, they are not my responcibility and Im not going to accept them as such. Added to this, if Im not feeding them at night because its too much for my back, why would I take on feeding them at other times. Again though, what right does she think she has to tell me to feed the dogs anything, or to do anything. If she wants it done, she can do it.

Im really struggling with my sister as you can probably tell, her attitude, the way she treats me, the way she acts regarding my conditions, reporting on my actions to Mum/Dad, this whole thing of her trying to access my SANE posts and trying to find out what Mum and I were talking about. While this stuff is going on, while my sister feels that her actions and treatment of me is acceptable I am really not interested in having much to do with her at all. Im going to have to start or to encourage stricter boundries, to put some definate distance between us. Somehow things need to change whereby she knows her place again and that isnt as my overlord. A prime example, she went out, she would have been gone over an hour, she had the heater on, while out, I turned it off. She got home as said who turned that off, I said me, then she says why, I said cause Im hot. She turned the heater back on. Not caring that Im hot, because she is more important. Ive only been saying for near on a week that Im hot most the time, its probably longer than that.

My shoulders are giving me a really hard time, I did lay down for a little while this afternoon but I couldnt fall asleep, I didnt spasm a great deal and when I did it was light. My sister is sitting across from me, light table on and dozing on and off, falling asleep and waking up. I would have once told her to get up and go to bed but no more, everytime any of us do that she snaps at you. So she is on her own, I mean how hard is it to work out your tired and need to go to bed? Just get up and go to bed.

Mentally things are weird, Im sorta bouncing all over the place, mood wise I reasonably happy, Im making some decisions around my sister and my parents are both starting to understand what she is doing. I keep going to a dark place and Im struggling with that. I have alot of anxiety going on, Im kinda waiting for everyone to turn. But Mum has finally realised how much money my sister has effectively stolen. I mean she asked to borrow money to pay for a couple of things which Mum lent to her and then didnt get them and didnt give the money back to Mum. So shes been caught out billing them for stuff they supposedly owed and likely didnt and now doing this. So now that Mum and Dad arent able to do the things that they wanted as a result, she might work things out. I am feeling a bit more shit at the moment as Mum has inadvertantly rubbed in my face how much she has paid for for my sister, money given to her, taking her away, etc. When Mum says she paid for stuff that is Dad and her did, its not Mum saved up from her allowance or something, the money came from the joint account. Now they have her stealing, they know they cant get the money back, so its just being w/off. Never has that been done for me even knowing how hard its been, how much it has to do with medical. My sister gets all the help she needs but me Im left to fend for myself and she returns their help like this. But its not just that, Mum has done this, that and something else for my sister, she knows the financial position my sister has put me in, Mum and Dad havent offered to help other than loans, Mum hasnt said Ill help, after all the help Ive given your sister, let me give you a little help. No, she winges about the number of smokes Im knicking and how I have to pay that back. I dont think she even gives it a second thought how this makes me and has made me feel. Neither Mum or Dad seem to have ever considered that how they have treated my sister so differently, emotionally and financially would have an affect on me, or they didnt care. I cant understand if you give one child $10k and the other a $10k loan, how you cant see that there is going to be an issue, how the one with the loan is going to feel less loved. Its not just money though, all the additional time spent together, all the support emotionally, I got far less of that. I was left with Dad more often than not. I just didnt get anywhere near the support.

TMI

Ive been going to the loo pretty much every day for the last 3 or 4 days and my stomach feels a lot better, though I did get that pain today. But I am still quite warm, I still have a decent headache, if confusion had a physical feeling I feel it, Ive been really tired and I have slept heaps. I am looking to go back to bed shortly. Im still not eating much, I feel sick when I do. Im not drinking much either and I can make myself drink more.

After tea last night I felt really unwell, tea was the only thing I ate yesterday and I didnt eat all of it. Thats pretty common of late. My stomach feels like its been hit by a baseball bat multiple times and I its hard to keep my eyes open, Ive been hit by the overwhelming need to sleep. I have pain in the back of my head,

I have been thinking that maybe what I have written about everyone in the Abusive Behaviours part of the document that I have sent out to the psychs might have been out of line or I might have spoken to early given the situation, just what Mum and I have been talking about. But she has reiterated some of my issues, the examples I have pointed to. I dont think I am being overly critical out of line, I think Im being truthful.

I went to bed and I struggled to get to sleep, I spasmed quite a bit, not hard core but enough to be disruptive and stop me sleeping. I did fall asleep but I kept waking from the spasms. I eventually gave up and got up, I feel really not right, my head is under a heap of pressure, Im drowsy but alert, my mind is like its stuck in a thick forrest. I cant really work it out, I just dont feel right and its a bit scary. I had something to eat and it calmed things down a bit.

I went back to bed and got some sleep, Ive woken up and my shoulders are very tense and sore, Im still very tired, Im feeling pretty odd in the head still too. I dunno overall I feel really off. Im still really tired, Im having something to eat, Im really hungry now.

I got some more sleep, I went to get a couple smokes from Mum and she was awake. She told me my sister texted her at like 1am. She does that and says stuff that keeps Mum awake. Mum sits thinking about what has been said.

I wound up back asleep, I woke up around 12:30pm. I did manage to load the dishwasher, Im aiming at cleaning the kitchen today. I want to know if I could do it and if I can start helping Dad again. Ive got my councillor in a few hours, I think my sister might be the primary topic. Now its day time she has decided to go to bed. Im on the phone to Medicare to see whats happening with my claim, I need them to hurry up as I have no money. Despite all the sleep Im still incredibly tired, my whole body aches. I suspect this is in relation to the OIC, I expect it will take some time for me to actually recover from it. I did the cans and the bin, Ill do some more tidying up in a while. Ive got a raging headache, I feel pretty off. My sister has woken up now and come down to the kitchen but soon fell asleep there. Ive tidied as much as Im going to for today. I might try and get a load of washing on later. Im sore now, I want to lay down but Ive got the councillor so I cant.

I rang medicare and I have got my claim done and money should be paid in day or two finally. Organised my next psychology appointment and followed up with my psychiatry appointment, still waiting on confirmation from psychiatrist to approve me and then have to wait for appointments to be opened up which will be around August.

I had my councilling session and essentially went to bed and slept for 3.5hrs. Im sore but I think mostly muscular. I spoke to my councillor about my sister a bit and some of the stuff Im doing, like the boundries Im putting up. Not telling her stuff she doesnt need to know etc. She was supportive of it. She asked me how I felt about it and I said free. My sister has dictated so much and if she couldnt get me to do it she would go to Mum but thats not working either. Im stopping all of it.

Ive been up for a couple hours and Im getting ready to go back to bed. My stomach is all in knots, my head is still pounding. My shoulders are sore and Im finding my arms/hands are a bit shaky. My neck is really sore and my back isnt loving me at all, my legs are really sore. I have my appointment with the pain specialist in the morning, I think Im at 20-30% pain reduction. Im still needing the really strong pain medication to deal with things. But I am getting better, I think my pain specialist will be recommending redoing the procedure. From what I understand its a bit hit and miss, in that they can get everything, a bit of it or none. Any which way I hope that he does something.

The hard thing which I have spoken about before, is that its not just the OIC or back pain etc. its the one thing after another, Im fighting one battle and I havent even finished that and a new one begins. OIC isnt a massive thing, it made me feel absolutly aweful, I mean I still feel pretty lowsy, Ive had something to eat and I feel like Im 3 times the size I was. I predominately eat Lite n Easy and I cant eat an entire meal now and even then I feel sick and bloated. It not a massive thing in relation to my other conditions but its just another thing I have to deal with, now Im supposed to take laxitives everyday to deal with the medication I take. Again not a big deal but its another "medication" is another thing I need to do to manage the things I take to manage the pain Im in. You know, its just when does it stop. The pain has lessened finally, only a little bit, but as soon as I had some confidence I started to help Dad again. I did the kitchen, not huge but one task he doesnt have to worry about. Tonight he fell asleep in his chair, my sister heard him before mebut I got up and woke him up and told him to go to bed. To help I locked up the house and took one of the dogs to Mum for him. All he had to do was make his coffee and go to bed. My sister cant seem to do anything, not even pick up after herself. God she cant even look after herself, she winged to Mum that no one woke her up to go to bed last night as she was asleep at the table, both Dad and I have given up. Shes fallen asleep at the table again and Im close to going to bed. Ill turn off what I can without leaving her in the dark, Im not waking her up, shes 41 if she cant work out that shes tired and needs to go to bed then too bad. Shes leaving her used stuff around the place, bowls packets etc. Im going to be looking after the kitchen, but Im not cleaning up after her, so that will be changing. If it doesnt change it will land on her side of the table or something.

I tried to go to sleep, I lasted about an hour of flailing about before giving up. The spasms were intense on my shoulders tonight for some reason, I couldnt fight them or control them at all, I just had to let my arms do what they wanted, let them literally flail about. I wonder if this is why I am having so much difficulty with my neck. I had taken my night meds before I went to bed and Im really tired so I dont know why I was spasming and unable to fall asleep. Im still struggling with the really wonky feeling in my head, its making me feel really off at the moment. I really dont know what is causing it, I cant make a this happens then the wonky starts corolation. It could be mental health, it could be the OIC or it could be my back, anything it is I cant see that there is anything my doctors can do about it. Im going to talk to my pain specialist tomorrow morning about the spasms, regardless of our next steps I think its time we get them under control if we can, they are causing me a fair amount of pain but also preventing me from sleeping etc. I know it will take a while for the medication to work but Id like to have a go, I think they are bad enough.

Im having something to eat, I really feel like some meat, I dont know how much Ill eat but Ill see how. Once Ive had something to eat and its settled Im going to have another go at sleeping. Im really tired, it seems a perpetual state, I cant seem to get enough sleep and the sleep I do get isnt, fufilling, its like eating and not being feeling full no matter how much you eat. Its the same as sleep, you sleep but its like you're eyes are shut but nothings really helping beyond that.

My family know that I have run out of money, they know that I am earning nearly $1000 less a month and now Im being paid month to month rather than fortnightly. Ive been scavaging smokes from Mum and will have to buy her more when I get paid next. See even there, she paid so much for my sister, took her away etc. and she is bitchy about me stealing smokes, let alone offer to buy me a few packs to help me. Its the same with my sister, she went into town knowing I was living off Mums smokes and didnt buy me a pack, after all I spent on her and did for her, I mean Im In this situation financially largely, almost entirely because of her. So you would think she could help me out just a little bit. My family has helped me out in the past, but I havent put myself in this position and I have repaid past debts. My sister is giving different amounts for what is owed to her, its a load of shit. But again, it was for her, it was used to look after her. I was going without meals and stuff I wanted to pay for, stuff I wanted to buy myself but I was spending it on looking after her and she is holding it against me. She wont getting anything paid back now though, its too late. I gave her an opportunity and she didnt take it. But that ticks me off, she could help me out a little bit but no. Its amazing just how much my family is willing for me to dangle over the edge financially and health wise and not intervene. As I said, Ive needed help in the past for a range of reasons and I think for the most part I actually do manage my money well, but to allow me to dangle and it not be anything of my doing, I really resent that. The managing money thing, when Dad was my age he had a mortgage, family etc. Dad doesnt see the difference in the life between him and I. I dont have children, didnt get married, didnt have the opportunity for a second income. Instead I had countless medical and psychological issues. I didnt land on my feet job wise until I got my current job. Dad held the same job for years when he was young, primarily Dad has had 3 primary jobs in his life. I started adult hood off in debt to Mum and Dad. I was working pretty early on in life and gained some personal responsiblities early on, so when I moved into fulltime work I was behind the 8 ball.

Again I tried to go to sleep, another 45min attempt but I just spasmed again. Im incredibly tired, but it doesnt seem to matter at all, I just spasm away and that stops me sleeping. Im actually finding it really hard to keep my eyes open Im that tired. I dont understand why I can be so tired and not be able to sleep and then other times the spasms arent so bad and I can.

My sister just asked what I have to write about, it was kinda like how have you got so much in your life that you can write all the time. I asked why she asked and she said she was interested. That was about as bad, she keeps trying to find out whats going on in my posts and my discussions with Mum. This concept of my personal space, personal boundries and the like my sister just will not accept, she thinks that she has the right to know what I am writing, what I am talking to Mum about etc. Im pretty suprised that she doesnt enquire about my counciling and psych appointments. Its like if she asks then I should tell her, like she has a right to ask and an expectation to be answered. When I told her all sorts of shit she didnt seem terribly happy with that answer. But what am I going to tell her, what else would be reasonable for me to answer. Ive made it clear on a number of occassions what I write about on here is for me, its not for anyone else to know, its just for me, its my deepest thoughts. When I talk to Mum that again is private, if I wanted my sister to know what we were talking about Id invite her to join in on the discussions. I dont get it, I mean she isnt so dumb as to not realise that much of it is about her, so if Im talking to Mum or online about her Im clearly not in a place or ready to talk to her about it. In all honesty, part of the reason I dont talk to her is Im to tired to deal with it, if I thought she would listen, she wouldnt fight, wouldnt end up getting Mum involved. If I thought she would be an adult and we could actually discuss things logically then I would talk with her and sort things out, but until I am feeling more myself, more like Ive had some sleep, its unlikely to happen. Though, that said I may lose it, if she doesnt put her shit away in the kitchen. I just walked to see if there is something nice to munch on and I noticed the bowl of noodle things she had eaten 1/2 of was on the bench to be washed, so I asked why it needed to be there, along with all the other stuff, she had excuses but I shot them down. Im so sick of her leaving shit around, just put shit in the bin. There is a bowl on the table that she says she gave to Dad who put it there, I said to her, what's stopping you from putting it away. I mean she used it, if Dad put it down and didnt remember to put it away, just put it away. I know this will go to Mum, Im pretty sure Mum will tell her to pull her head in. I really dont think its too much to ask that when you finish your tea that you scrap out your left overs, or when you make a coffee that you ditch the packets. She will say she does it later or something, but often enough its left on the counter. I dont understand why her crap has to lay around the kithchen. She said something about me being perfect, I know Im not, I know I leave stuff out, its rare, normally its me who does the kitchen so I clean up after me.

I love how she has a dig about me not being perfect, I mean I have been dealing with heaps including exceptional pain and Ive done my best to manage my things myself, Dads still doing her laundry and heaps of all sorts of stuff for her. Despite my issues Ive been doing all my own stuff. She cant do the simplest things of putting her rubbish away or putting away her dishes. She doesnt do her dishes, she doesnt clean up the kitchen, occassionally she vacuums but thats about it.

I had another go at sleeping but again the spasms got the better of me. So thats another night without sleep. Ive had a fair bit of late but its still hitting me hard. Im not great when it comes to not sleeping, I really need a decent nights sleep every night regardless of any extra sleep Ive had. My stomach hasnt helped the situation at all, it is all over the shop, its pretty uncomfortable, tied up in knots, I got a fair bit of wind but no action, its somewhat painful.

TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE DISCUSSION

Ive been thinking about suicide, not doing it but when someone tries. If unsuccessful we intervein, we remove the person from the method used where possible. We put them into councilling, we get specialist in suicide prevention involved, sometimes medication or medication changes etc. Im not saying this is the wrong thing to do or even that maybe there would be a more effective way to handle it. With my sister it was medication so I now control her medication all bar a days worth, which she keeps herself. This helps minimise her having the opportunity to try again, at least in the same manner.

So in a sense we are somewhat forcing her to stay alive, if she were to have full access to her medication there is a possability that she were to try again. We wont give her access to her medications again until such time she is trusted to look after them again. My question is is this the right thing to do, are we making another person suffer, suffer intensily to prevent our own sadness. I dont mean to imply that we shouldnt do anything to help a person wanting to or had attempted. We should have services to help, but should we take away percieved means, should we limit access to medications etc. is it our right to intervene so forcefully, especially long term. How long do we restrict access, how long do we force them to live under our rules and guidance. At what point do we realise that the life we are forcing them to live is worse than the life they were trying to escape originally.

As I said I had words with my sister about all the crap being left around, that was a few hours ago now, of course nothing has been done. Im really getting really sick of her making a mess and leaving it for someone else. Asking others to do things that she really should do, there is no reason she cant keep the island bench tidy, she cant pick up after herself, do her washing etc. Im expected to manage my day to day affairs, look after my food, laundry, etc. and you all know my list of concerns. I dont think the same is shouldnt be expected of her. Dad and I are both incredibly sick or dealing with serious conditions. Mum doesnt come down from her room, because she is sick. While she isnt helping around the house, she should be looking after her own things herself. Even Mum said yesterday that there is no reason my sister cant cook a couple nights a week. I cant see why she cant feed the dogs, as Ive said before Im not taking that back on. There is no reason that I can see why at the least she isnt taking care of her own matters, in particular her own laundry, that should not be a task Dad needs to do.

My sister needs to stop leaving furniture, nick nacks, clothes and all the other crap she leaves in common areas. We are 4 adults living together, we have common areas, but she has overtaken much of them. The lounge is full, the back room is full and the kitchen is packed. There isnt a room basically that doesnt have her stuff in it. The kitchen is an area that I think should remain strictly common area, so her crap shouldnt be left all over the bench, shouldnt be left over the drying area. Plants should be left all over the place, once stuff is dry, once plants are dealt with put the stuff away. Im sick of trying to do the dishes and having to move stuff off the drying rack so I have room to put dishes there to dry.

Im exhusted, Im barely staying awake. I have a call from the pain specialist in about an hour, after that Im going to have yet another go at trying to sleep though if history is anything to go by I dont have much hope. Im thinking of having another one of my night meds and see if that pushes me over the edge.

I spoke to my pain specialist and we are going to talk again in a month, Im to start with fitness training, he is suggesting that it will take around 5 years for me to recover and be back on top of things. He said there is another treatment that he can look at but I need to lose weight before we can do that. Annoyingly he didnt do anything about treating the spasms, which really sucks. I got in trouble for just dropping my pain medications he thinks the pain probably was withdrawals. When I drop my pain meds they will be doing a really small amount at a time, it sounds like its going to take ages for me to come off them. Normally after a call from a doctor etc my sister would be wanting to know whats happening, whats going on. Not so this time, didnt say a word. She has cracked the shits for being told to clean up after herself.

I did finally fall asleep finally, I got a couple hours before I had to wake up for the doctors appointment. When I get home Ill probably go back to bed Id think. Im really tired. Im sick of sleeping heaps of not at all. I just want to get my doctors appointment done so I can go back to bed. Talking of which, apparently my sister is now asleep in her car. Why she cant go to bed is simply just beyond me, its really not that hard. Its not insomnia she can sleep, she sleeps most nights, she just refuses to go to sleep in her bed.

My back was pretty good this morning but after a couple hours of sleep Im in a bit of pain, mainly in my lumber. Not enough that Im yelling out for more pain killers but its enough to slow me down a bit.

I left for the doctors and soon after got a message from my sister asking for Coke. I said I wasn't going into town. My doctor is in a smaller town nearby. I then get a msg asking where I've gone. So she's asked without knowing where I was. By now she should be well aware that in the afternoon I avoid town, especially around when kids are coming out of school. Even more so I won't go to Maccas. It's too much for me to deal with. It's worse today as I'm so tired, I dont think it would be safe. I was tempted to get Dad to take me to the doctors. I dont function well when I'm tired anymore. My mind goes to much and I'm in too much pain to deal with that and be tired. My sister has an adversity to regular sleep, sleeping in her bed, etc so she is tired all the time and still does the stuff she needs to and wants to and she has an expectation others do the same. Thing is I am, Im not adding the stuff she want. I got home home with some of my iced coffee, which I got from next door to the doctors surgery. I normally get it from the servo on the other side of town. My sister looked at it and said wouldnt you have had to get that from the servo in a very accusational manner. I calmly told her where I got it from and that I didnt need that. I dont need to explain myself, where I bought something from. I dont need to be accused that I did something I said I wasnt going to do. I dont need to justify my actions to her under pretty much any circumstances. If I say no to getting something, thats the end of it, even if I was going to get it for her, I didnt have the money. She had to have the last word, she mumbled some crap. She is going to hate me more and more, because Im going to pull her up more and more, there is no reason, none what so ever, for her to treat me the way she does, there is no reason for the attitude, etc. and while I understand she is going through some stuff, this predates that and we all are. For me its primarily about protecting and managing my mental health, I dont need to be interrogated as to how I came to have something when I wouldnt get her something. We all have to come up with excuses as to why we wont/cant do something, a simple no isnt enough, she wont accept that, there has to be a reason, there has to be a justification as to why we wont do as instructed and it has to be good enough for her to accept, she will argue the point if she doesnt feel the reason is good enough. Mum and Dad are both stuck unable to decide what to do about my sister, how to deal with her etc. I have made my decision, its not so much about dealing with her, its not about anything to do with her really, its about me and what Im willing to accept, Im not willing to accept the way she treats me, the attitude etc. She can have a grump with me and all that etc. but I dont need baseless atitude thrown at me, I dont need to be judged all the time, I dont need to justify my way of being, my decisions etc. I dont need to justify to her anything about my health, I dont need her to determine the ligitimacy of my conditions. If you think you have a right to an opinion about them, which you dont, keep that opinion to yourself, completely and keep your attitude in check in relation to them.

I went down and sat down with Mum for a little while, I had no agenda but just thought Id spend some time with her. Of course my sister did come up, I was told to watch how I speak to her, which I replied that I had been, that I was being very mindful and that I wasnt out of line, of course my sister is saying different, though Mum didnt challenge me. I told Mum that my sister didnt like what I said, not how I said it. If she can blame how I said it enough then that will be the focus not what my sister is or isnt doing. She still hasnt done the things I had said about. Im not doing them, she needs to look after her shit. It was evident that I was talking with Mum but my sister still made up a reason to come down and butt in, just about every time I have a talk to Mum she makes her presence known. Mum is really tired of all these small bits and pieces of bullshit, I did get the suspicion that she was indicating that I should just do the little bits that Im winging about but we have all been doing that for so long that its about time she started doing stuff for herself for herself. Of course the Coke thing came up, I explained yet again that its too much for me to go do that sorta stuff at that time of day. As stated I dont handle all the cars, how busy town becomes in the afternoon, its part of the reason I dont go into town after 11am, after about 7pm its less of a problem again. But during that period its too much for me to handle, its too much for my anxiety, its too overwhelming, I feel like there are cars and people everywhere and they are going so fast, they are moving around, changing lanes etc. It didnt used to bother me as much, I always had a bit of anxiety from it but now its a lot of anxiety and just too overwhelming for me. Of course my sister dismisses and dimenishes things like that for me, its another condition that she doesnt want to acknowledge I have or I suffer from. Its ok for me to have the lable but not the effect of when it impacts her. While Mum is a bit more understanding she still follows suit with my sister more of less, particularly when it comes to my mental health. Anxiety is an issue that affects me greatly, it gets worse with my depression, as well as my pain, they all seem to be tied together.

I feel like its easier for my parents, Mum in particular to encourage me and Dad to an extent to do things that my sister should and wont instead of making my sister actually do the things she should. Like neither Dad or Mum have said to her to scrape out the bowl and put the other bowl on the sink. But there has been an "encouragement" that I just do them. Im sick of that, its been long enough. We are all so tired and worn out, its about time she started again at least looking after herself. As I said to Mum Im also sick of the attitude, I sit across from her most the day or night and deal with the grump, no matter what you do, how much you help my sister is never satisfied, she never feels like that you have done enough for her. Even this stupid Coke, she told Mum if the roles were reversed she would do it for me. Yet anytime I have asked for her to do something for me its been reason after reason why she cant. As a rule however, I get what I want for the day in the morning when I go to the shops, I dont get asked if I need anything when she goes in and I dont expect that my sister will actually help by picking anything up for me.

I dont think Mum, probably Dad as well, realise how little Im eating normally. My sister would see the occassional night where I eat a fair bit and assume that is the norm. Generally though Im eating one meal a day and even then its normally around 1/2 of the meal. Eating has become a very secondary thought for me now. I think thats partially due to depression and partly due to stress. Thats something my Mum seems to think she is the only one that is experiencing, stress. How stressful all of this is. She talks like she is the only one that is having to deal with my sister, having to deal with her petty bullshit. She doesnt deal with the situation, she doesnt tell my sister to pull her head in, she tries to smooth things over all the time, just sweep the BS under the rug and let my sister just do and say as she wishes. I had months of dealing with intense out bursts, anger, irrationality etc. Now she has a little bit of pettiness and she cant handle it. How the fk does she think Im going, Ive had enough. Its been going on for so damn long for me, Im worn out, I dont have any energy left. My sister is so self involved that she cant see what she is doing to everyone, including me. She cant take a step back and just appreciate what everyone has done and that we cant just constantly pour out energy into her situation at some point she has to stand up a little bit for herself, she needs to start taking some ownership for herself and allow us some time to recover.

I think its because Im so exhusted, Im so hurt by my family and how often I am in shit for things, particularly things that arent my fault/responcibility that I have stopped caring about being in shit. My sisters mad with and not talking to me, I dont care, I really dont, it doesnt affect me, she needs to get over it. Im not going to appologise for anything because I havent done anything wrong. No one needs to pick up after her, or me for that matter. Added to which, she is quite happy to and regularly does decide to tell me and anyone else what she thinks. My Mum/Dad are mad because Im not doing this or that for my sister, again I dont care. They all dismiss and deminish my condition, so its up to me to stand up for myself, to protect myself and to keep my conditions and limitations in mind when being asked to do thing. Ive told my family that I cant keep pushing my boundries, my conditions. Yes my sister is unwell but so am I, for a long time I put my mental and physical neeeds on the back burner and I put my sister first. I cant do it any longer, more and more its becoming impossible for me to do it. But none of my family seems to appreciate this, they keep pushing for me to put her first, to be more "normal". I have become increasing unwell and Im not getting better, I am struggling mentally a great deal, I fight with significant SI on a very regular basis, my psychotic experiences are more frequent, more intense. I have to do what I can to minimise this, Im waiting on a psychiatrist, until then I have a psychologist and a councillor, they can only do so much. Getting my medication right is really important, we have just gone through taking me off a heap of my medications and I think too many or atleast not replaced with a substitute, so I am dealing with all this stuff, all these mental health issues, physical issues and feeling undermedicated, that I am not appropriately treated for my conditions, which is where my new Psychiatrist would come in. For the most part I dont feel like my family appreciates any of this, again too often my conditions and their limitations are dismissed or deminished, particularly by my sister. So I have to have a thick skin, I have to wear my familys inability to understand or appreciate my situation and just stand firm that I wont do the things that would put my mental and/or physical health in jepordy.

I tried to go to sleep, I took more of the night med but it didnt help. I laid in bed and there was nothing, I was good for a while, minor spasms. So I thought I was going to get some sleep and then bam, they hit. One hit me in the shoulder really intensily and it hurt a lot, I stretched out my other hand and held my shoulder tight, there was a very intense pain but it went away after a little while. Both my shoulders are really sore again. The spasms are really hurting and sleep is often impossible to obtain, it actually feels like its more common that I cant get sleep. Again its not something my family gets, its treated as if my sister is the only one who is really tired, she is the definition of exhustion. I get that, she is knackered but a fair bit of that feels like its her own fault, as stated earlier, you have a bed get into it and go to sleep. Mum gets tired easy due to her illnesses and all the stuff with my sister, she has sleepless nights worrying. Dad doesnt tend to sleep well anymore, I think a lot of it is worry as well. I dont sleep well, pain, worry, mental health and now these spasms. We are all so tired but as typical my sister being tired always takes priority, its like she is so tired and still going so you should too, I will admit that I am not any good tired, my sister pushes through being tired to get to her goals. I would to an extent but Im expected to push through for other people, its the same with pushing through pain, you can push through more for yourself than for others, you just can and thats ok. I dont have a lot of drive to push through tiredness, when Im over tired I just want to go to sleep, there isnt much else that is on my mind. It doesnt take a long time for me to go from tired to drowsy, dozing away. Its worse when Ive had my night meds.

Before I went to lay down my sister was in a foul mood with me, had said barely a word to me other than asking me to do things. I got out of bed after around an hour and its all back to normal, she is talking to me like normal. Her first words when I came down was Maccas Run. Shes cherrier than she has been for a while.

Apparently one of my sisters mental health professionals told her that she had disassociation, Mum looked into it and its like not being in touch with the world. It sounds similar to what I experience in a psychotic episode, mine is different, I dont feel the world is real, its like playing a game etc. What my sister person is talking about is this shut down of emotions and the like to protect yourself, which I am doing as well, Mum says we are all doing it. Which she told my sister, she shouldnt do that, it deminishes my sisters experience. My Mum does that often, I get told I have something and next thing everyone has it, sometimes everyone suffers from it not just our family. It really invalidates the experience, if everyone suffered from something then it wouldnt be a disorder. It may well be that the whole family is suffering from things but you dont tell someone who is suffering that you think that they are, allow them to have their experience, you're also not capable of making that diagnosis, even more so you make the diagnosis while refusing to even seeing a psychiatrist and you will only think about seeing a psychologist

I just had my tea, in about 30min Im going to have my meds and try going to sleep again. Im so tired, I have had very little sleep lately and Im pretty desperate to get some sleep. Tea wasnt big, 1/2 a lite and easy meal. Thats all that I managed to eat today, Im really not eating much, I dont think its overly great for me, nutrition wise I need more than that I just cant stomach it.

I did finally fall asleep but woke up after only 5 hours. Im going to go back to bed shortly. My back is fluctuating between being painful and ok. I know I dreamt quite a bit last night, I know my high school bullies featured heavily, but to what extent Im not sure.

I went back to bed and got a few more hours sleep. Ive woken up in quite a bit of pain. Im stealing some of Mums smokes at the moment because Im broke, like no money broke. Mum has a winge about it occassionally but shes not paying for them. Im down $800-$1000 a month because of my sister and SCI. So I do need some help, Mum gave plenty to my sister over the years.

I think my sister has finally pushed me over the edge, I think I am completely done. For close to 6 months I looked after her, I spent hours in hospital ER's trying to get her help. I went to every hospital that she spent time at day after day. Most nights I packed a bag for her, often under her direction by facetime. She would transfer money to me which often was then spent by her for McDonalds, Drinks, clothes etc. The money not spent on that was used for fuel, smokes and drinks for me for attending the hospitals. My income was reduced because I was attending to my sister and then it stopped because I was dealing with her all the time. While my pay was reduced it did not stretch far enough to cover all my sisters needs along with covering my personal costs, even when it wasnt this way I was struggling. I had engaged the EAF through work who may have provided a grant to cover these costs as my sister was claiming the reason for being in hospital was primarily due to abuse from Mum.

When I stopped working I didnt have an income and Dad provided an income for as a loan. This went on for around 2 months until SCI started, the amount I receive under SCI is around $800-$1000 a month less than what I would earn normally, Im also paid month to month now not fortnightly.

My expenses have not however reduced, instead they have steadily increased with medical appointments and procedures. Dad has helped with some of the procedures but I have covered what I can.

While my sister was in hospital I started to struggle with my own mental health, it became quite serious with I made plans and obtained means to commit suicide. I was absolutly exhusted, completely run down, I felt like I was dealing with everything on my own, I was dealing with my sisters outbursts, her selfharm, her ongoing talk about the things that had happened, how she felt etc. At one point she was home and attempted to take her life, I found her unresponsive and tried to wake her while waiting for an ambulance. This was her second attempt, Dad found her the first time. I struggled with hallucinations (tactile, visual and audiable), delusions, disassociation, depersonalisation and potentially a brief psychotic episode. I also had a number of procedures while my sister was in hospital, I would have the procedure and as soon as the 24hr no driving period was over I would go see my sister. Often I was hallucinating leading up to procedures and while with my sister. Regularly I was dealing with disassociation, often for days and weeks at a time.

I didnt feel like I had any support during this time, a few times I was "encouraged" to go back to work, my sister wasnt in a position for me to return to work for many reasons. Mentally I wasnt capable of returning to work. Also, with upcoming procedures etc to go back to work would mean the SCI period would restart which had I gone back to work, with everything that has gone on and the outcome of my procedures it is a good thing that I didnt return to work it has allowed me to deal with pain, appointments, procedures etc without interferring with work.

It now appears or it could be considered that what my sister has been saying may not be true. I dont understand what has been happening, I dont know how true the distress my sister was showing was true, I dont understand how true any of what has happened recently is. I know its cost me a great deal, I know I put my life on hold and dedicated nearly 6 months to my sister. I allowed my own health to suffer during this time.

Im struggling financially still with the reduction in income, additional medical needs, mental and physical health, sleep and stress. I feel like my sister doesnt appreciate all that I did for her and how I am suffering still as a result. She dismisses and deminishes all my mental and medical conditions. I still feel that I get little support, that I am facing my conditions on my own. Yes Dad helps with a loans for some of the procedures, Id be lost without that. But no matter what my sister does or says little seems to be said in my defence. Now there is the issue of money, I organised that if I was provided with statements and the hospital discharge summaries I would submit an application to work fora grant to cover the money I used to help look after her while she was in hospital. All she had to do was provide that information and I would do the rest, that was months ago and I still havent received it and it is now very likely too late, but all the sudden everyone but my sister is pushing for that information so I can submit it and plead to work to make an exception. When my sister did organise a hand written document, which isnt acceptable, it was $4500. Now months later Im being told I owed $2k before all this even started, not something I know anything about and now my sister is low on funds its come up. Ive been told that I owe her anywhere from $4500-$8000.

When I had my brief psychotic episode I came out of it tens of thousands of dollars behind and I had lost my freedom. I am still trying to deal with the financial implications of my condition and the consequences of my recovery. I will not take on more debt from my sister as a result of her condition, I made an offer to cover what she had given to me which she has failed to take up, as such its her debt not mine. This additional debt that has now come up, that she hasnt told me about and wasnt told to me while we were discussing the money owed, Im not accepting it as mine.

Ive made some notes regarding the above and Im going to try talking to my parents about it with them. Im struggling with my mental health significantly and my sister is a large part of that. This dismissing/deminishing my conditions is causing me to struggle more, feeling like you are not cared for and your conditions are not understood or appreciated. Its feeding my depression. I didnt question anything that went on with my sister during the 5.5 month period of hospitalisation and yet every condition I am subject too she questions and judges how it affects me and the limitations they impose. Some she just out and out denies others she determines arent as bad as I say. None are ever what I say it is, never does she get told about a condition and how it makes me feel and just accepts that is what it is. This attitude flows through out the family. Though when my sister is sick she is always holding herself together so well, she is always worse than what she projects. Having family dismiss and deminish your conditions really makes you feel like you dont matter or at least you dont matter that much. If you're in pain and then told its not as bad as you say it is then you dont feel validated, you dont feel understood. When you have a number of conditions and your told they arent that bad, they dont hurt, you're not that sick, not only do you not feel validated, you dont feel you matter, that what you're experiencing doesnt matter, it doesnt warrant the care of your family. Its worse when others in similar situations are treated the opposite.

The financial implications of the past 8 months have pretty well devistated me, financially I was struggling significantly, my sister being covered by the EAF meant that I was no worse/no better. But having to borrow the money I did from Dad has pushed me over the edge. Then my sister wants to add to the difficulty and claim an extra $3500 randomly. After what I have done for her for so long, what I gave up for her, to do this feels like Ive been kicked while Im down

I spoke to Mum and Dad, apparently some of the money I apparently owe my sister was from clothes she had bought me as I had gained weight, I didnt ask her to buy anything, I couldnt afford it, but she went and bought it and now is saying I need to pay for it. I said thats not how it works, you cant buy stuff for someone and bill them for it when they didnt ask you to. I went through a number of points, I know they cant do much at the moment, but I said that I will be answering back to her and if I have an attitude they know why. I will do my best to keep my voice and tone pleasant with my sister, but I cant guarentee that I will always win. They are still pushing for the application for the grant to be put forward, I cant see it being accepted but Ill have a go. I explained to Mum why I am running out of money from my pay, how much money I have lost due to all this. How far in the hole I am in because of it. I also explained how bad things are with my mental health, I keep losing touch with reality, like everything seems to drift away and me into my own little plane of existance. I dont like the feeling, its getting harder and harder to deal with. Psychiatric experiences are occuring more regularly, daily there is something, daily there is some experience. I said to Mum and Dad that if things arent dealt with soon then I think some time in hospital will be needed. Honestly the stress and anxiety I am dealing with is too much, I know it is. I had 5.5 months of incredible stress with my sister and I took a step back but the stress seems to have followed, especially the finance side of things.

I dont know how to get back in front financially, even when I start my return to work its going to be months before I am earning a noticable amount more and longer before I will have an income like I am used to. I have to somehow give up things I like, which I dont think is fair, to give up what I like as a concequence of looking after my sister who clearly doesnt appreciate what I did. Hell its almost as if she holds a grudge against me for doing what I did.

Normally I get spasms when I lay down and try to sleep, they can be pretty violent and intense. Its rare but its happening more often that I have the spasms during the day, when I am sitting and standing, typically in my left shoulder. I dont know why.

Im going to lay down in a minute, I doubt Ill sleep but I want to be in bed. I dont know what to do, I dont know why to do with myself. Im tense all over, maybe thats why Im spasming during the day. My neck is incredibly tense, which is causing my headaches. I know all this relates to stress, I honestly dont know how to cope with anymore stress. I really need some relief from it, not a break but a reduction. A no strings attached deposit of some money to help me out, though I know no one with the capacity to do so, let alone the desire.

Much of the outcome of the conversation surrounded getting the application done, not the hurt she has caused me, not my mental health issues I am facing, but her money, me doing more for her. There was no help offered to me either financially or emotionally. I get that money has been lent to me in the past, but I have paid this back every time. I helped my sister, I helped her so damn much, now the only worry is her getting money while Im being hung out to dry. The amount of money I have lost is equal to almost the amount she is claiming and Im only going to lose more.

Again, after explaining how hurt I have been by my sister, what I have given up, the concequences of helping her as I did continue I was given no help, I was infact directed to help my sister more, to go and fight for my sister. It just reinforced the fact that I dont matter, that my sister matters, shes the priority yet again. Just stealing some smokes that she doesnt pay for is a massive inconvienience.

I just went down to get a couple more smokes before I go to bed and Mum had a dig about nearly owing another pack of smokes, I said that I knew, but what am I to do, Im down $1000 a month. I dont get it, she doesnt pay for them, she knows I will repay her, she will end up in front. Its again, me thats gonna lose out.

I said that my sister had pushed me over the edge, I think my parents have done the same. The fact that they missed that I need help and support for my mental health, that emotionally Im not coping, yes there is an element of financial need. Mum recently said about parents needing to step up etc, yet neither do this for me, Dad is supposed to do it for my sister but again Im left to fend primarily for myself, Im left to deal with my mental health alone, to deal with the loss of income my sister has caused alone, not only that I am to ensure she doesnt lose her money. I didnt even mention that not only is there a loss of income but an increase in medical cost.

After talking to Mum and Dad I did a few things before checking in on Mum, she seemed to find it hard when I was talking to her. I went and laid down and the idea was to have a rest or maybe a nap but thats when I was thinking about the outcome etc. Im struggling with my mental health, in particular my depression, I have been ok but managing. After I realised that yet again my sister was the priority, her finances were the main focus at the end, I became much more depresessed. Immediately, my mind went to suicide, I mean if they only want my sister then whats the point being around. Its hard work but I have brought it back under control so Im safe, but its something my family cant seem to understand how close to the edge, how much Im fighting this. Again Im safe, Ive got numbers for services etc.