Just not feeling great

Suicide is also the most profound damage to the self ... so that attitude needs to go.

Self CARE IS SO IMPORTANT.

What kind of things have made you feel good in the past?

Hi @Billie,

I just read your first discussion where Kurra tagged me but I was really unwell at the time so I'm sorry I didn't reply. I agree with the frustration that people label suicide as selfish. I know it causes great pain to loved ones but that saying minimises the hell we go through. I totally get the emotional roller coaster and for me it's also the shame for always being in crisis. I can't imagine stringing more than two calm days together anymore. The exhaustion is debilitating as well.

I guess as much as we want to not be here there is still so much hope in that there are so many stories of people who have moved past this to lead fulfilling lives and had good relationships. I think this is what is driving me to try harder and seek lots of help. For me this is selfish too, that I need to know that there is a better life than this, that my kids are not just enough, maybe if they were little again it would be but they are grown up now. So my point is hang in there because I think there has to be a better life than this, it can only get better. 💜🤗

Do you have a psychologist you see or any professional help currently?

Hi @Billie, you do sound tired. Having those really strong emotional reactions must be exhausting. But while you may be different from many of the people you meet, but not so much from lots of members here. If you wander around you'll recognise some similar reactions and similar feelings. So I hope you're able to spend some time here - especailly in the social threads like the beer garden and night shift thread - to make some real connections with people who understand.

I have come to think of suicide as a loss of hope. Is this where you're at? It would be really interesting to know what you've tried to get better. I wonder if people will be able to suggest something you've not tried yet. Something that has helped them. Because then you have a reason to hope again.

Of course it's not really that simple but it's a place to start.

I have tried talking to professionals counsellors/psychologists, but it seems that everyone just wants to refer me to someone else. I guess im tired of everyone passing the buck, I just want to not be a burden. I am on a waiting list for DBT but it is talking so long and I just cant bare it anymore, and dont have the money for treatment anyway.

I have tried to do some DBT myself with a self help book but I have no motivation for anything.

I made an appointment to finally talk to someone about a sexual assult, which I have put off for over a year. But it all so overwhelming, I dont want to do it. It feels like im cleaning up someone elses mess because it wasnt my fault.

I am just so tired. I know suicide isnt the way, but i am just so tired.

Sadly I think that is a lot of the situation in the mental health field .. cleaning up others messes .. cos a lot of issues are not the fault of the sufferer. I hope they treat you well and allow you to go at your own pace. Sometimes we need to go very very slow .. its body processing time too.

I know this is not much help but it is definitely worth looking for someone who specialises in BPD @Billie. I think that's where the buck passing comes in. I know the wait list for DBT is huge in most public systems and it's great you've had a look on your own but it is really hard to do that work on your own.

I was wondering if you could try calling a crisis line or help lines to talk about the sexual assault anonymously and find out where is a good place to get help with that. It might take some pressure off you for a bit and test how you are going with it all in a safe way and also help you get connected with services. It seems so overwhelming to do on your own - and exhausting.

For now though try to find something soothing and distracting. Anything safe that will help calm and relax you. For me it is doing jigsaw puzzles on my iPad but I know everyone has something that helps a bit. Take care💜🤗

The prospect of DBT is certainly something to feel hopeful about @Billie. It's not a miracle cure but it's made a real difference for lots of people. How frustrating about the wait list though. Do you have any sense about when it might happen?

It's great that you've tried to access the treatment on your own but I agree that this is tough to do. A big part of treatment is learning to better handle relationships and that's not easy on your own! Maybe easier to try some mindfulness techniques through an app like smiling mind. Building that mental muscle to stay in the present, not ruminating about past hurts or catastrophising about future events, can be incredibly helpful. Have you given this a try yet?

Thank you @Former-Member @Former-Member @Appleblossom for support. I just slipped up and had a rough day yesterday.

It happens. What really counts is the next day though. Being kind to yourself with no judgements or self-criticism. That's real resilience.

How's things today @Billie?

Feeling a bit lost, but just doing what I need to do to get through the day.