DexicaCasual Contributor
Just venting
I just feel so lost right now, my partner, I s angry at me he is at home when he would normally be at work. He was doing things taking our daughter to an interview then when he came home he went to his computer. So i thought it would be ok from me to entertain myself on FB. when I got there I found a friend who was in need of venting and support so I was there for them to do that. lOl my husband is sitting a couple of feet from me know and he can hear me typing. and he will be assuming im talking to some one again making him more angry. When I finished talking with this other person. i went out side to where he was and he was hiding from me and giving me cold shoulder. He left me there after saying got board with your friends on FB did you? didn't say much else said im going back inside. i found him on the couch playing a game on his Ipad first i waited but it was clear to me I was being told in action now you will have to wait for me. So I tried to talk to him. again the whole whats the point I have changed you haven't you haven't given me a chance speech happened . We have been together for about 28 years. I have had to make changes and accommodate for his behaviour, needs and conditions over and over again. I have been sooo alone in all i have had to do things that normal couples do together. LOL I know we are not a normal couple but what im trying to say is that I have had to find ways of occupying my time things that bring me company and happiness.I have had to do that on my own for all of those years> Now he like he does when he is manic expect my attention right there right now> he told me like last night we were sitting on the couch together I was stoking his leg he says to me normally the only time I touch him or want him is when I want physical time (sex) is this statement true? no. I told him that I was trying to be with him without invading his space
Then i told him that if he wanted me closer he could have asked me to come closer. How am I supposed to know what this man wants I cant read his mind but of course he says yes that's right put it all back on me. I am soo tired angry confused. Im really tired of him holding our relationship to ransom based on my performance which i will fail at what seems like 99% of the time. I went back out side and for the first time in a while prayed I said to God because the image of me was inside of me of one screaming from the core in frustraition anger and pain. Im not putting this here for a pity party. I just feel like this was the right place to put this HE bought a book written by a woman cant think of her name right now who not only has Bipolar herself but is married to someone with it we both agreed it was a good book it talks about the holistic apraoch sharing ways of developing skills to help manage from both sides for the first time since looking at Sane I felt and so did he that we may have common ground some thing to work for giving our relationship new hope not a quick fix. she suggested keeping a journal and answering honestly questions asked to help ourselves and each other. Today he says he is no longer going to bother. while i was outside i felt frozen because i needed to check the bank to see if i had enough money to get ingredients for my daughter who wanted to cook dinner tonight and i felt absolutely paralysed about what to do because i felt that he would assume I was chatting to someone again. just like he might be thinking now because im doing this now. IT makes me angry to feel i feel i have to justify what im doing. Sooooo angry right now so helpless as I watch myself digging a bigger hole for his anger towards me. i hate it.
Im not asking for anyone to take sides like i said just venting so thankyou for letting me do that here.
