Seriously had enough

i am disgusted with myself for eating what I have and now I feel extremely fat. My skin is terrible and I just want to rip my face off. My hair is p*ssing me off and I feel like shaving it off. I am so angry with myself. I am sick of myself and my BPD. Constantly splitting, being 'matter of fact', being emotionally disregulated etc. I mask it all (most of it as best as I can) and internalise so much!! It is tearing me apart inside. But nobody around me gets it. They expect me to be like them. On top of that I'm being constantly reminded of my past. Flashbacks, nightmares, memories. It doesn't stop. Everything is getting to me. Ive had SH hanging over me and I've resisted as much as I can but I honestly need that release. I need to show myself how P*ssed off I am with myself. And tbh that's not the only reasons why. Its everything. My head is spinning. It's overwhelming. It's intense. It's lonely and isolating. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of my life. If people knew they were going to loose you, then maybe, just maybe, they would treat you a lot different. I wish people could see how they hurt others (intentional or not). I need some help, I know I do, but there is no support. I need medication. I need therapy. I need to know what is actually wrong with me. I'm screaming inside. I'm breaking.