ClockFaceSenior Contributor
Feelings - might be contraversial
I spoke about emotions in a recent post. I have BP2 w/ psychotic features, so I have mood swings, though given the diagnosis not that many. For the most part I have a single emotion - blah. Im not really one for having any real emotion at all. I mean, depressed mood, Im gonna be down, Im not normally sad or anything, Im just no energy, no motivation, just existing. I dont really get the hypomanic thing, my medication does a good job managing that. But yeah generally speaking I exist as neither happy or sad. I mean Ill crack a joke here or there, Ill laugh. Ill blend in if I need to but deep down there really isnt much going on and I kinda like it that way.
I dont understand emotions, in me or others, I can fake for others but like tonight, my Mum is crying because of my sisters excessive medication taking. I dont really understand why, there was an ambulance, she was going to hospital, things were happening. I knew the correct response was to give my Mum a hug, so I did, but WTF.
I mean (Im not nessecarily proud of this) but I havent cried since I was 14. I had a terrible childhood, loving home of sorts but the rest yeah. I decided when I was quite young that people would never make me cry again. Thats probably something for therapy, amongst so much else, but not so much on purpose Ive kept to it. To be honest I dont know if I even know how to cry at this stage. Though my Mum and Sister do and more often than not to manipulate rather than genuine sadness
I get it from my Dad really, he very very rarely shows anything resembling an emotion. I think the meds Im on dull mine further than they already were. I dont miss them. It seems to me that we make some very stupid and impulsive mistakes based on feelings. Which might be why I stuggle to understand and connect with my sisters illness (BPD) its all emotions.
Its frustrating me at the moment after the events of the last few months and tonight that they are causing so many emotions to come out all at once (yes I understand frustration is an emotion). Dad has said a few times that I need to go to bed, its much later than my normal bed time but just had meds and waiting on my team. But thing is my mind is racing with emotions, they wont sit still long enough for me to grasp it. Its like trying to hold onto an oiled pig with one hand.
You know thinking about it Im surrounded by either a emotionally stunted and distant father and a sister and mother who use emotions as tools to manipulate for their own ends. So its little wonder I cant process an emotion to save my life let alone a thousand of them swirling around in my head all beating saucepans and shouting as loudly as possible. If I could ram the saucepan down the throat of each feeling and the wooden spoon up their u know I would do so but it doesnt seem to be the case.
As you can tell my relationship with emotions is complicated at best. I dont like them, I dont think for many their purpose has been corrupted. I think they make decision making worse. I think for the most part we would be better without them, I know right at the moment I would be better without them.
