Trigger Warning - post about my life

I may have a husband and mum, but I couldn't feel more alone.

Husband - I discovered last year that he was cheating on me. He said he ended it all, but I suspect that he is cheating and lying to me again. He has become distant again and not very affectionate. I feel like he f*cks with my mental health as he will say things like 'are you sure it's not your BPD'....he definitely gaslights and emotionally abuses me. I can't take much more of his sh*t. I wish I could leave but I'm stuck here. Truth is, I love him but wonder if it is true love or im just so used to being with him as we have known each other since being kids.

Mum - since being a kid she has been emotionally abusive and neglectful. I would expect anything different 30yrs later but there is this part that likes to believe she cares, but she just doesn't and it hurts so much. She is so uninterested in my life (and ok yeah, I don't have much going on, but there is still things to take an interest in). I believe your mum should be someone you can turn to, trust etc. I don't have that kind of relationship.

Other family - Ive had a family member pressuring me into disclosing my past as they want to right all the wrongs. As to why now, I cannot determine. They have been pressing for information and want to take action on my behalf. Most of my past I don't talk about. There's been a lot of abuse. They recently let slip some details I didn't know and again, I have absolutely no one i can talk to. I also try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, 'its in the past'. But I feel like it does, especially as it has brought me to this dark place again.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore and I can't determine what is real and what isn't. I struggle so much but I have to act normal and like I've got it together. It is all breaking me and I have no one to talk to. I worry about talking to certain services, especially as they have this idea of how to move forward but it's definitely not as simple as they think. And then other mental health services won't help me.

I feel alone and isolated in all of this. It brings on such dark thoughts and just makes me not want to be here.

I know im still standing' but I don't think I can take anymore. I feel screwed in the head and like I'm going to finally snap. But if I try to be safe and tell someone, they don't actually believe me.

What am I supposed to do??? Suffer in silence???