mental health at its finest.

Hi all I’m Rachael, I’m 33 years old.I’m a mother of 4 beautiful children ages 13(girl) 9(boy) 8(boy) 2(girl) my 3 eldest children reside with my mother and I have the youngest with me, all my life I’ve suffered with mental health well from about 7yrs old I had my first thought of suicide, my parents had divorced a both blamed me. I am a middle child of 3 siblings 1 older(sister) 1 younger(brother) they also blamed me too, and I do understand that I was a very mentally challenging child, all I wanted was love and care and someone to just recognise I was there as I was always getting pushed aside, as I got older and older I started to really hate myself and blame myself for every single thing that happened. I was about 3yrs old when I got diagnosed with adhd, the bipolar come into play when I was 15 alongside with the anxiety, and ptsd and what a nightmare it was to try and manage all of them un medicated, due to the adhd and bipolar it is extreamly hard to medicate due to the highs that are at risk, having type 2 bipolar I do tend to get manic highs ALOT then the impulsive (adhd) side comes into play and I get myself in very sticky situations….I’m not 1 to really talk about my life so I’m just gunna leave out some history and just ask anyone here how do you manage on the days that are extremely hard to even function? is there any suggestions that anyone can give me? I’ve tried therapy, it works for a while and eared off same as medication, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve tried scrapbooking I’ve tried journaling I’ve tried walking, music, uplifting podcasts YouTube videos everything and nothing seems to get me out of that really low manic state. I’ve struggled to get out of bed lately and even shower, I’ve struggled to get out of bed to make something to eat and I’ve most of all struggled to parent! And I struggle to keep that emotional attachment ment like once I’m hurt I’ll just automatically detach and hurt myself more in the process but once that detachment starts there is no turning back. ALSO I have a partner so my daughter and other children are 100% safe Incase there was any doubters. He mostly takes care of them. The last few weeks have been a living hell. I’ve been to hospital got sent home went to drs got sent home and I just feel I’m really at my wits ends of this all and I’m begging for guidance and direction and someone to just hear me out, I feel so empty, lost, scared, overwhelmed, broken, useless, worthless and I have a lot of doubt in who I am as a person I could honestly say I hate myself at this point…. If anyone else reads this and can completely relate can you please give me some ideas on what to do please because I’m losing myself more and more each day and I’m actually so scared. Thankyou all for taking the time to read this 💕