When My Husband Shared His Black Dog

Hi @Wife668

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing you and your husband's story. It sounds really tough for you both right now. It's a great idea that he gets some support from his GP. The GP can give the relevant referrals to a psychologist or psychiatrist or the like.

I'll also share some links for you so you can take care of yourself also.

https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

https://www.carergateway.gov.au/

I really hope things start to improve for you soon.

Sending warmest wishes

Hanami

Hi @Wife668,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

I'm sorry to read what you are going through. I also sorry to read how your husband is going. I can only go off what you have written but when you mentioned that your husband is ex-army veteran and currently a police constable a bit of a flag was raised for me. I am by no means an expert but I have worked a little with people from these types of fields and from my experience things such as depression and PTSD are not uncommon. It is good that your husband has let you in a little by sharing with you how he is feeling via the Black Dog video. Having said that that isn't an excuse for him to treat you poorly and make you feel neglected.

Having also suffered from depression on and off over my adult life I can tell you that depression is very common and is also very treatable with the right support. I maybe wrong but I'm pretty sure that all police forces across Australia have their own counselling supports. Perhaps you could encourage your husband to reach out to a professional such as these to help him better understand what he is going through. I would also encourage you to get some support for you to as watching / supporting someone with depression can be very taxing. There is an organisation called Open Arms that support veterans and families and are available 24/7. This may be something that you and/or your husband might be interested in. Their number is 1800 011 046. Here is a link to their website Open Arms.

From my lived experience depression is much more than sadness, it's like all the joy gets sucked out of life and you are just going through the motions. I felt more like I was existing rather than living. Fortunately with treatment and support these feelings eventually dissipated. On the odd occasion I feel like depression is coming back I seek support as soon as I can so as to `nip it in the bud' before it takes over me. From my experience the first bout of depression was the hardest because I didn't understand what was going, how to get help and had this dread that I was going to feel that way forever. Fortunately that was not the case - I did go back to my old self and found the joy in life again.

I wish you and your husband all the best and hope you are both able to get the support you need.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

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Thanks so much for your response.

He does have care from his GP, and he has attended previously some intense PTSD courses and the like. And also has psych assistance through work (police) whereby he has met with their psychologist a few times. And they’re always available. He also used to see a psych regularly when we first met but this was linked more so to the ex army stuff I think. Either way, he’s shown he’s been open to outside assistance. I guess it would pay to recommend he resume seeing someone. Just need to pick the right timing for that convo.

I asked him on the weekend if he’d be open to maybe me coming to see the psych he used to see to help me learn and understand where he is at and how his life impacts his moods etc and perhaps get some guidance on how I too should feel around his moods. He kind of brushed it off but left it with “yeah maybe I don’t know if he does that but yeah maybe”.

I’ll resuggest in a week or two and see if he’s considered it again.

Thanks so much for such a great response. It’s really nice to hear from someone who has the lived experience with depression and your description was really accurate as far as how my husband describes his feelings too. Which were really highlighted in the video he sent me too. I’m sorry you feel this way also but it’s good to hear you know how to get on top of it when those feelings resurface.

I’m going to look at the open arms link you sent me now. Thank you so much.

My husband has previously been a part of a 6 month intensive PTSD course which by the sounds of it, he really got a lot out of. He continued to see a psych he met during the course for quite a while afterward. I don’t think he’s seen him in over a year now though. So I’ve suggested maybe he see him again just for a review or check in. We will see. He also has seen a police psych in the last year too. Maybe he could also revisit that option which is provided at no cost to police officers which is useful.

He’s quite stubborn to be honest and really internalises a lot so I do feel I am left in the dark as far as what he is really thinking or wanting or needing. For all I know, he could be seeing someone but is preferring to keep that to himself so I don’t ask him a hundred questions 🙂

I guess I just really need myself, to work out how best to support him without losing myself in the process. Because it is frustrating, and often hurtful. For instance I have been under a great deal of stress myself the last two weeks, dealing with my ex husband and some issues with our kids schooling, as well as planning to move house, some financial concerns, and just a whole lot of stuff going on all at the same time. My husband is always at the top of that list but I’m definitely being pulled in many directions and if we discussed me having a cup that measures out how much is left in that cup for myself at the end of the week, there is currently nothing! In fact it’s bone dry, and I certainly don’t have anyone around me attempting to help me refill it in anyway. Does that make sense? I’m coping alone while emptying all I have for everyone else. It’s a lot.

Last night I expressed that I was under great pressure (without stipulating how or who or what, as he knows all the areas), and I really felt a little overwhelmed with all the stress I am currently under. I didn’t even receive a response. No question. No reassurance. Not a thing. Ha ha ha. In my head I was thinking “for gods sake, why is it so hard to even say “oh babe that’s no good, do you want to talk about it, or is there anything I can do?”…….” It baffles me that someone who is supposed to love and care for another person, and he part of a partnership, just can’t even muster even a fake interest in my welfare.

Of course I didn’t say anything. Because god forbid I should ask for any support. Or mention I am not getting any. That would just bother him even more, right?

So ultimately I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t. And that’s what I am struggling with …. And working out whether this is good enough for me to keep me in the relationship. Giving and doing for someone else, over and over, with nothing in return, is awful, and the last thing I want is to become resentful.

Hi @Wife668 wife 668 - sorry to hear that you are going through such a crap time. I understand some of the difficulties that you are facing. I have been married for quite a few years - very happily. However, my wife has recently developed depression and it is having a terrible impact on our relationship. I love her very much and want to support her but it is difficult. She has become closed and remote, she doesn't want to talk about it and is trying to manage on her own. We have teenage kids (stressful++) and work pressures which makes everything harder. We are getting counselling as a couple which may help, she is speaking to her GP about medication which may help. We are just trying to make it through each day at the moment. She recently got a tattoo of the Persian proverb: "this too shall pass". I am hopeful that with time and support, we will recover and things will improve. I hope the same happens for you.

Hi Patrick1

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I love that you are so supportive of your wife, she is very lucky to have that hopeful and positive support by her side. I too try to be like you but I do wonder if I am fighting a losing battle. As my husband is also ex military, he already has a very rigid and inflexible way of living. As I am a parent to three children (two teens and one 11 year old), you can imagine that he struggles with the chaos that is called family 🙂 He does his best, but I am definitely feeling I am being dragged from all directions with a whole lot of support being expelled, and practically none coming back in my direction. Oh it’s hard.

I wonder, if you don’t mind me asking, was your wife’s depression caused or contributed to, by something particular? Or do you feel she is just chronically unhappy with no reason for it?

I find it really hard to work out if it’s me causing it. Ie. maybe he just fell out love really quickly and now has “buyers” remorse (haha) since we married….

He tells me has suffered from depression on and off since leaving the army but I am not so sure.

Ive had an absolutely chaotic last couple of weeks and a lot of my own stress to deal with and he shows absolutely no interest in caring about me or even being remotely interested. If I give him an update on what I’ve for instance, sorted out on a particular day, he just looks at me like I am an idiot. It’s such a contemptuous attitude and body language. I did tell him tonight, in a nice way, that although I have held off on saying anything, that I can’t ignore it any longer, and that I feel very hurt and dismissed that he behaves this way and that I feel his words or lack there of, could be perceived as having absolutely no interest in me or my life or what I am dealing with. I said that I am doing all I can, including prioritising him and all his requests to help him cope at his best, on top of my children and other areas requiring my attention, and that I am absolutely exhausted and feel let down that he isn’t even showing a basic level of courtesy or care in my direction.

his response was “I had a long shitty day. I didn’t eat lunch til 3:20. I am here for you even if I don’t show it”. That was it.

Im baffled that he would respond by immediately telling me HE HAD A LONG DAY!

When he got home from work I was out the front chatting to him for ten mins as he changed out of his police gear in the garage where he keeps his police motorbike. We had a large floor rug delivered today for our new house which was by the front door. I asked if he could possibly move it to the garage (6m away and would take 20 seconds). His reaction was mind blowing. Asked me how heavy it is, asked where he’d have to put it, pulled a hundred different negative faces, huffed and puffed. I ended up saying “look it’s heavy, for me but the guy who delivered it lifted it very easily, but if it’s clearly too much trouble, leave it and I’ll do it myself or I’ll ask my son to lift it”.

he then tells me an hour later “don’t ask me to do anything within thirty minutes of me getting home from work”.
to be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever asked him to do anything! I do it all. I mow lawns, I do all the house work, I wash cars, I drill holes in walls to hang pictures…. I know better than to ask for help as he’s never appeared interested in doing anything for me or for us around the house. He used to mow the lawn sometimes but that dried up. He used to wash my car sometimes, but that dried up. So I do it all myself and don’t say a word about it.

but I mean, asking your husband to lift a rug and move it surely isn’t such a big ask?

Im feeling really overwhelmed. Can you tell? 🙂