Custody and NPD

Hi,

I lost my wife to brain cancer last year. Her ex had started a court case against her to gain custody of the children alleging violence from me.

In a first hearing, he gained custody after 10 years of the children living with us. We had no chance to prepare the hearing as she was in hospital for her second surgery.

2 months later after debunking his allegations, the children, who wanted to live with us mostly, were returned to us.

A few months later she passed away.

As he was supposed to have the children for half the holidays following, the children went to his place not to be returned.

My wife begged me to look after them and wrote it in her will.

The children told me they wanted to live with me.

So I enquire and follow the legal advice to make an application for custody.

I suggested further a family psychologist assessment to assist the court into the decision and he accepted it.

As I had a decade of loving and caring (taking them to all their activities, to dentist, GPs...and being there for sports, hugs, cuddles and bedtime stories) for the children as my own while he would call us as soon as he couldn't deal with one for a weekend, I thought it was pretty self obvious and explanatory...

But the psychologist diagnosed me with NPD, suggested I was bipolar, and recommended the children and I have no communication at all.

I had no idea what was involved in NPD so did some research.

I was so in shock I asked friends, family and my first marriage adult children if they thought I had any of the known behaviour/symptoms of NPD and they all said it was a joke.

But now, the assessor is a clinical/ forensic psychologist, and those affected by NPD are said not to be aware of their condition.

So I doubt. I don't want to be a negative influence for the children.

I've contacted some psychologists to get a proper diagnosis and confirmation. But none have replied positively so far.

As I have the grieving of my wife affecting me by sudden burst at times (2-3 times a week for 15mn on average), mostly when reminded by others of what life could have been now with her still alive, I also face her ex and his supports. He called me to insult me over the phone after one month of dating his ex wife right from the beginning and has pretty much been abusive and insulting me since, most of it being reported by the children when spending time with him.

I consider him toxic and prefer to avoid any interaction with him as I'm rather a bubbly personality as my partners and friends would tell me.

I don't go from euphoria to depression. I'm rather emotionally stable and as an ex airforce officer, I was assigned to numerous missions to "fix things".

Out of the 2 boys, the eldest has already changed his mind to decide to live with his father and I'm ok with his choice. The younger one told everyone he wants to see his dad but wants to live with me...

A few months ago the eldest broke his iphone and his dad almost immediately got him a brand new one.

A few weeks later, the younger one's phone stopped operating and still hasn't got a phone which makes communications difficult.

I've been reported by adult siblings he is facing a lot of peer pressure to state he wants to live with his biological father which breaks my heart and fills it with guilt of not being able to protect him.

Thus I feel stuck.

1) who and how can I be assessed about having NPD or not, and that it is legally recognised (lawyer told me that psychologist isn't a doctor...) in case I go on with the court proceedings;

2) Should I stop with court proceedings and let my little man live at his father's (I will feel guilty of abandoning him...);

3) Should I carry on and face the other party relentless hate and verbal abuse (with my little man being a collateral victim of emotional damages) and invest in endless legal fees to debunk all the lies and manipulations made?

4) Is there any chance the things can calm down, become a bit more settled or am I dreaming?

I filled like the woman who didn't want the baby to be cut in 2 by King Salomon. I think I have so much to offer to him but at what emotional cost? I knew it would turn ugly and that's why I didn't want my wife to ask me to look after them...

Thank you in advance for any advice or experience share.