Memory

@MDT Hi Hams i have memory problems when i was manic which went on for years until i was properly diagnosed and medicated. now i still cannot remember the times i was manic it was like a memory was the wave coming on a beach it would be remembered then it would disappear like the wave returning to the sea. i think it is my mind protecting itself from the trauma of being manic for so long.

Hi Hams, Yeah I have had memory issues, for as long as I can remember ... if you catch my drift?

Prior to doing EMDR I believed I had a crystal clear view into my past including upbringing and school days. I was wrong. I acknowledge now I don't even have a clear view of even the last week when I am in particularly deep water. I was diagnosed CPTSD with disassociative identity disorder, and at times of triggering, I revert to some type of survival schema that I apparently developed preverbally. Still very early on this journey, I don't really understand all the 'schema therapy' and 'internal family systems therapy' jargon that is being thrown around and how it relates to my specific circumstance, and why I experience these 'black outs'. Apparently a 'protector' emerges when the nervous system is so very overwhelmed, and shuts down your awareness of the event. In my case, I was a foster brat, so I lived in shut out mode. BUT my memory has a Rose coloured schema which I could swear on a lie detector that I had a wonderful wonderful time, school was wonderful wonderful, and ditto for all relationships. The 'protector' will not allow me to think poorly on abusive people of my past, especially those I relied on to feed and shelter me. It is still all super contradictory to me.

**trigger warning**

What is very concrete though, is when I do EMDR, I feel like I am dying. I have vomited in two of my sessions. The 'memories' flood my mind, my nervous system and even with my eyes open I cannot orient myself or ground. I SEE 'them': the different people in my past and things that have happened that I had forgotten. Or maybe never really processed.

I almost wish I did not embark on somatic trauma therapy and EMDR. I now live with really confusing emotions when I am in contact with my family and my community. I also live in fear. It is almost palpable. Like they will come into my house, be in my room, corner me at work or in the car park, appear out of the bush on my walks or some other space when I'm all alone, and it will happen all over again. Now that I remembered that it happened at all. I have to now work on boundary setting, and alot of the time I don't feel like there is ever going to be relief or freedom of what they have done and what I have done.

But I did need to do the therapy, because I have children who need me to be a safe space for them, and not disassociate or black out if I have been inadvertently triggered.

I hope you feel a bit less alone with your mix of memory issues. It sounds like you are stuck on a bad loop, and I'm sorry if it is confusing, scary and exhausting.

Hi @MDT ,

If I can say one sure thing about memory it that it's a funny thing. How memory functions seem unique from person to person.

Memories can be a useful and insightful tool. Or they can just be things that happened the past that you can choose to let go of in the present.

For me, how well my memory functions depends on how I'm functioning overall. When I'm in the midst of a depressive episode my short term memory becomes unreliable. During mania my memory plays tricks on me and long term memories tend to flood to the surface, complete with all the related emotions, good or bad. This is troublesome at times but also these are useful trends which alert me to a change in mood.

Whatever my current state, I tend to experience memories of bad times from the distant past popping up seemingly out of nowhere. It can make me feel really uncomfortable in the present. My initial reaction is to start to beat myself up for past mistakes as remembered. Now that I understand this pattern I look for ways to resolve negative emotions around that memory instead. I find if I can take proper ownership of past mistakes and break down the situation and the role of others involved my experience of the memory is rebalanced and I feel better about it. It seems to squash that particular memory from rising to the surface again.

Just as we can retrieve past memories, or not, they also just come and go in the normal ebb of life. If only bad memories are accessible or popping up maybe this has to do with your current frame of mind more than the memories themselves? Psychologists can help if memory function or specific memories become bothersome or interfere with daily life. They have great tools for working through persistent bad memories and also breaking through where memory has failed, if that's what's desired.