JlolSenior Contributor
What's the difference between depression as an illness, and just not enjoying life?
I've had "depression" since I was about 6. This was the time I started going to school.
I hated school. I was an outdoorsy kid who grew up in the country. I found sitting at a desk repeating sums and spelling incredibly boring. And I never understood why the teachers would yell at us all the time (early 90s, might be different now). School felt like a punishment (after all one of the actual punishments we got at school was to stay back and do more school work).
I remember really distinctly the day I became depressed. About 6 months into the school year I had gotten into trouble yet again for not coming into class after the school bell rang. I just broke down in tears (I'd never cried before at school) and just kept saying "I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know what I'm doing wrong".
From that day forth I became hypervigilant at school. I went from being an extraverted playful kid, to quiet and shy. I would ask the teachers repeatedly if I was doing something wrong, even if I wasn't. I would cry immediately if a teacher so much as raised their voice at me. I became terrified of getting into trouble again. I would cry at home before going to school - I found the environment so stressful.
My parents caught on that something was wrong and the teachers at the school said I was being bullied (I found this out later), which wasn't true. My parents had me change schools. Then when I still had the same issues the changed schools again. And again.
No matter what it felt like school was a huge punishment - like being in jail, almost. This was compounded by me becoming so shy and timid and quiet.
I remember at about 13 I was walking to school, dreading it of course, when the thought popped into my head "if you were dead you wouldn't have to do this". I was shocked, even concerned I would have these thoughts. But as they days went by the thought would come back whenever I passed the same landmark on my walk to school. And eventually they actually became a source of comfort.
I felt that I had at least some sense of control. Like I could end my life and never go to school again and I had that power, and no one could take it away. The thoughts increased and extended outside of the walk to school, including at my first job.
Fast forward to being an adult and I feel the same about work. Of course its not quite the same as school, but it kind of is. I'm required to be here 8+ hours a day - for-(pretty much)-ever. Then there is commutes and chores either side of that. 0 time for "play". The alternative is I don't work, my bills go unpaid and I live on the street which would be much worse.
I work hard, made a career, but only out of a sense of duty not because I want to. I hate my day-to-day life which is just an endless loop of wake-up, commute, work, commute, chores, sleep.
Just like school, work feels like jail. I feel like a robot just doing what needs to be done. No time to be myself, not time to do hobbies or things I actually like. Sometimes I feel like jail would be easier - at least there's no illusion of choice and less expectations (probably).
So anyway, if I am unable to get the time to do the things I actually want to do in life and am stuck spending the vast majority of my time doing things I actively dislike, am I actually depressed?
