This is something to get used to

Hey there,

Newbie here. Feeling a bit strange typing this to total strangers.

Where to even start? What if I break a rule?

So,okay, I have been living undiagnosed and without help until 2020, when I just about managed to succeed and take my own life (3rd time lucky, I thought)..

On top of all of it was trying to come to the realisation that I am not the norm, that I am also not crazy and that I indeed have a diagnosis.

It felt as though I am too complicated and there was and still is so much going on that I don't even know what to try and tackle first.

Since April 2020, I have started to get help, although it took a move across the country, going private for therapy and then another 9 months to actually be able to talk to the therapist.

What I realised is that I need long term help and most therapists, as nice and helpful as they may be, are not wanting to have a long term relationship with something like myself.

Ah okay, shoot, I forgot - I have been diagnosed with BPD,DID,PTSD and anxiety disorder.

Right. So, hmm, probably start at the beginning.

My childhood was chaotic,abusive (emotional and physical abuse by parents) (sexual abuse by family members between the age 5 - 13)..I then had a boyfriend with 14 who was nearly 7 years older than me that I actually didn't want,but my mother and other people around me adored..I then had a somewhat normal relationship that got manipulated by family and my future abusive boyfriend.

Early 20's was the hardest part though. Something that is coming up more than other things that I struggle with. I was in a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationship for 5 years, before I broke free. Loosing 2 children in the process (1 is still alive and we finally have communication going, the other I lost due to trauma from being abused while pregnant) Then there was self harm on a regular basis ,with sporadic breaks in between and 2 attempts of suicide. I then met my soon to be ex husband...migrated and thought it's just in my head, I am the problem, buy a bag of cement and harden up kind of thinking, with 15 years of coping and struggling and such clever slow calculated abuse that eg. being raped on a regular basis was normal to me.

As you can imagine, I eventually broke down, hence the 3rd time I tried to take my life. I was in involuntary rehab, but then in voluntary rehab and had a support team... My abuser then realised he might get found out and moved all of us across the country. What he didn't know is that my privately sought therapist would help and guide me more than he could imagine.

Long story short - I am a single mum (6months now) and "happy" and working and studying and juggling kids,dogs,house,socialising (yuk) .... with ease.

There is no cure, not really, and there is therapy and medication but there is also struggles, panic attacks out of nowhere and the inability to get myself connected to this life thing. There is emotional chaos and hallucinations and tears and self harm on occasion (nothing too bad, scratches,alcohol,cigarettes and overspending on mind numbing phone games and social media scrolling and procrastination,not doing assignments, house in turmoil, fatigue, moodiness, not being able to get out of bed or doing the things I actually want to do)

I have no friends, no family. Just acquaintances from trying to be social after being kept isolated for over a decade by an abusive narcissist.

I came across this platform by accident really, 1 quick ad...but I felt compelled to give it a go and to not feel so overwhelmed and alone at times.

I will most likely have forgotten a lot I wanted to write but before I select all and delete, I better post this ha-ha.