ClockFaceSenior Contributor
Unappreciated
Trigger warning Suicide/self harm
My sister was recently diagnosed with BPD, she has started DBT last week. I am really finding it difficult to deal with, Im her carer until she can start to manage things and become independant again. But the mood swings, the whole lot of them are one extreme to another. She does have periods of relative calm/quiet but they are few and far between.
For the most part she doesnt drive at the moment as she doesnt feel safe, so I drive her, except for when she wants to drive herself. I dont tend to go out alone because she doesnt feel safe home alone. Hell, we were at the ER and I said I was going to go to get food, I might be gone 20 min in total and she got grumpy.
Im supposed to hold on to the car keys at all times (so she doesnt go drive) and all lighters so she doesnt burn herself. I actually got in trouble and blamed for her self harming as I didnt police the lighters.
While she was in hospital I would drive down pretty much every day, an hour long trip either way for the most part. In addition to paying for fuel, I had to buy stuff from McDonalds, pick up stuff from shops etc. My salary didnt stretch that far so (because Dad wouldnt) I borrowed the money from my sister. Money I now need to repay (this includes buying from Maccas)
Today she decided to go out on her own and my Dad went to church, this was the first time I was essentially alone in a long time (my Mum was in her room but doesnt come out so) I was really tired and thinking about going to bed for a nap but decided against it as....alone. So figured I would have a nap when people came home. My sister gets home and starts about her latest self harm, which was clearly infected so off to ER.
This is not a complete list of examples but you get it. Thing is Im not angry about the above, Im tired...really really tired and I just dont feel that what I am doing is valued, that I am appreciated. When my sister was in hospital the house on a whole was tidy, its now trashed. You literally need to move crap out the way to use the kitchen bench because she has so much stuff there. She is fully focused on creating a safe space for herself and just expects me to deal with the mess outside her room. Its not my house, its my parents so I dont feel like I have the right to pull her up on everything she does, but my Mum and Dad wont either.
She is very self focused, at the ER she complained about the wait, she would be a quick one so should be seen earlier. That person got here after me. The triage system is unfair and she should be seen earlier.
She keeps asking me whats wrong and I would say that I dont feel well and Im tired and she would sigh, like what have I got to be tired about and your not really sick so what ever.
She leaves in the car without checking if I needed it, we have a copy off each others appointments but like do I want to go shopping. I told her today that I planned on going to the shops and she still took off in the car.
If she is mad, deal with it shes sick etc.
Each time I didnt come down when she was in hospital we would end up in a fight. (She was in multiple hospitals over 3 months)
I am very much of the mind that I need to help her *as much as I can*. I have taken unpaid leave at work (Dad lending money for me to live) to be there for her. I do everything I can to support her. I however also have MH issues as well as physical and this is taking its toll. I get this is an illness and while she is learning DBT skills she wont handle things in an ideal manner. It doesnt mean that its not a huge mental toll on those around her. As said I am tired, beyond tired. Im hallucinating audible, visual and tactile hallucinations. I am getting in a lot of debt, $12500 so far in just over 3 months. and the whole time I feel like she thinks Im not doing enough.
