Where to go from here

Hi,

Ive just signed up to this to give it ago. I am a 33 year old male living with alot of mental health issues.

I grew up with alot of trauma being in a cult, and witnessing my dads death at the age of 10 .

Brutally bullied mentally and physically, living in poverty as I hit early teens I used excessive amount of illicit drugs and alcohol to escape, this lead to using other drugs which I used every few days for the season untill one night I had smoked an excessive amount and gone out to a metal gig with mates and drank alot of alcohol , then returned home smoked more and remembered about some other substances I had drying out I gulped these down and before they kicked in I passed out , when the substance got into my system I woke.

I was paralysed the trip was so intense I was convinced I was going to die.

After this I came clean to clear my head and to this day I still see these visuals and witness episodes of intense hallucinations.

In my early adult hood I took on an apprenticeship in landscape construction.

My first boss abused me mentally and physically, through the 4 years I had 2 chronic mental break downs ( which later in life i found out were phycotic episodes) where I was put on heavy anti phycotics so my body and mind could rest. I managed to complete my apprenticeship and my new coping mechanism became work.

After a big falling out with my first boss I was employed by a commercial landscaping company.

At this time I was with my wife and she was pregnant with my first child.

I learnt to accept my visuals and just to get on with life but with out proper support by the time I hit 26 I had another big break down ( phycotic episode) leading me to a phyciatrists who diagnosed me with adult autism which explains why u was never accepted ect.

I also explained all my symptoms I have expirienced since the drug use.

She believed it was traits of schizophrenia.

She put me on antiphycotic medication which inturn affected my ability to work , so after going back time and time again and trying numerous medications.

At this time my wife had just had my daughter and had nearly died giving birth due to a hemridge. She was suffering with many mental health issues.

I ended up in hospital and spent 3 weeks in then transferred to a facility to get back in to living.

The docs decided to take me off the anti phycs and put me back on a anti Depressant I was on before all of this happened.

So I felt like I was back at square 1.

Although I had a young family I mentally gave up so I started smoking substances again and it just became the norm for me. I smoked it before I went to work, during if I could hide it and then after.

I maintained a full time job but after a few months I needed more and more to get the same affect.

After 2 years I was taking drugs excessively. After excessive use the issues out weighed the reason I was useing it so I tried to quit. Not knowing that numbing the nureon receptors for so long would create a shock to the system when they were no longer numb. This lead me to another mental break down. But with support I came clean and Instead of turning to drugs I started working my full time job and doing week end work , working 6 to 7 days a week.

Which was a coping mechanism along with a cleaning routine linked with ocd.

Because I worked in large groups and I had little to no social skills this lead to arguments and fights with other workers. I was once again bullied and used to get jobs done because they new if they didn't do it I would.

I had thought of suicide and ways to do it but I never could go through with it as I was very good at my job and used that as something to hold onto.

So that's what I did I new my job inside and out.

I literally just wrote the rest of this and tried to submit it but lost the ending of it.

I now run my own successful buisness but live in fear of what is next.

I am on antiphycotics which help but the vivid dreams and hallucinations don't go away.

Ive been told with my condition I should not be working but it's all I know and I will succeed further before my mental health completly deteriates.