I dont know what is wrong with me

I've lived with BPD @ClockFace . So I've been on the other side. The more you give them the more they will take. Hence, it is about you setting healthy boundaries if you want to be well for your family.

As carers, it is very easy to forget about yourself as you are so engrossed in helping everyone else. Yet it will come back to bite.

I've recovered from BPD, and one of the most helpful things for my carers was when they set their boundaries. Boundaries help us to feel comfortable. We may kick at first, but in the long run, we will respect you deeply for it.

PLEASE take care of yourself.

Being a sibling carer is a very different @ClockFace responsibility to being a parent carer. Not all carers are equal nor should they be. I have been a sibling carer and it is hard yakka.

Please link into an appropriate carer organisation for your area for more support and some ideas about levels of involvement and ways of caring. There can be a problem with over caring. Fear that someone is going to harm themselves or take their lives can be crippling and terrifying. Give yourself credit for functioning and doing all the usual adulting stuff PLUS caring for her.

Every human needs to be able to function at their optimum level. Recently I was out with 2 older professional women and even they admit and said it is very hard to find that level of giving support and allowing the person the dignity of doing what they can do for themselves. They were talking about church relationships and dynamics. None of us want to be less than we are. Your sister will need to learn some DBT skills, emotional regulation etc. You cannot do it all, and even if you could, it would be too much. She has to find her way too. You have proven your love and loyalty.

hello @ClockFace hope you are going ok today

@tyme that was great information for all carers to remember

@Appleblossom , @BPDSurvivor

Hi @ClockFace .

I’m BPDSurvivor - a borderline.

im posting from the ‘other’ side:

My BPD makes everything so painful. Every word and look can leave scarring and bruises on my emotional body. It feels like my emotional skin is torn away each time ‘you’ are not there.

I feel like I need ‘you’ always there. If you are not there, I do harmful things out of desperation. I don’t want to be impulsive. I don’t want to self harm, but I do because I am hurting so much. The pain is so intense.

if you set boundaries, it hurts me so much because I feel you hate me. I might yell, scream and cry in an attempt for ‘you’ to budge from the boundaries you have set. But really, deep down, your boundaries help me feel comfortable. I just need you to tell me you are there for and you do care. That you’ll be coming back in 1 hr - but don’t be late. It makes me frantic if you are late.

when I’m triggered, don’t try and reason with me. You and I may both get hurt. Just walk away and tell me you’ll come back in 1 hr to check on me. If I act dangerously, maybe emergency services need to be called. But the main thing, keep yourself safe.

as much as I love ‘you’, I am hurting so much inside.

please understand

———————————————————-

@ClockFace - that’s the brain of mine, a borderline. I hope this insight helps.

I am so much better now. Life is different for me. I had months and months of intense therapy to change my way of thinking. Now, my goal is to help others affected by BPD.

please let me know if you gave any questions.

@BPDSurvivor

Thanks for that.

It's hard to understand because she doesn't and she can't express her needs but hearing what you said helps.

No one has given me a guide as to what to do or how to be with her now. It doesn't seem to exist but I feel like I need to be with her all the time or watching her.

We had to call an ambulance tonight and she's in ER again. Feels like I let her down again but at the same time I can't protect her from herself all the time

Thanks again

Hi @ClockFace ,

No, you do not need to be with her all the time. This may in turn be detrimental because you are then telling her she needs you with her all the time.

However, clear communication IS vital. For example, if you want to go out for an hour or two, and she begs you not to leave her. Let her know you will be leaving and will phone her in an hour's time. Give her the exact time. I assure you she will be waiting with phone in hand. If she does SH because of it, know it is NOT your fault. She is an adult.

I know I feel so hard, but I'm speaking from a borderline's perspective. When I look back at my behaviours, I was an emotional child trapped in an adult's body. I had tantrums, meltdowns, separation anxiety, emotional outbursts.... all this because my emotional self was never taught the skills to be able to grow. Something in my childhood (plus my temperament) meant that emotionally, I didn't know how to grow and mature.

As someone diagnosed with BPD, I sort high and low for help. All I read was WHAT BPD was, but I was never shown how to manage it. Even now, there is so little out there to support carers. All the information out there only reminds us how painful and debilitating BPD is.

I remember reading all the info about BPD, then saying to myself - so where to from here?

I felt like a guinea pig. I tried things here there and everywhere. I was on the brink of death so many times. If it wasn't for the mercy of God, I wouldn't be here today.

I've had a very very painful BPD journey. And I want to use my journey to help others so that they do not have to suffer the pain I have endured for nearly 2 decades.

What I know now, I seek to share.

BPD is not a lifelong illness. People can and do recover from it - like I have.

You need to continue living life - your life. You will be hurt by a borderline's words. Just stand strong and don't try to reason with your sister when she is heightened - she'll be beyond the reasoning brain by then.

Please take care.

tyme

@tyme

Hi, thanks for that. Its a hard thing to leave her, even going to bed is hard. I go to bed at like 7/8pm and she doesnt really sleep. I get pretty anxious about it but then my night meds kick in and I calm down, doesnt take long and I have no choice to sleep after taking them.

I have found it hard to find info for carers though there is a local group that runs, what looks like monthly, sessions. Introduction to BPD for friends and family. Of course I jumped on that.

She is going to DBT but I dont know how committed she is to it yet. She is still of the opinion that its not BPD or at least thats not her major issue, grief, trauma etc is she doesnt seem to realise her reaction to things are skewed by her BPD.

Ive been deliberatly taking a step back, like Im not leaving her out to dry but Im making her find solutions rather than me do it. Im not dropping what Im doing everytime she calls. Just little things, making her wait, not being immediately available. Not taking her anywhere and everywhere all the time. Trying to take back time for me