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the long haul

LadyCarolineSenior Contributor24 Feb 2023, 4:38 pm AEDT

the long haul

Its been a while since I posted. It's all getting too much and i am falling apart a little more each day. Has life improved? Maybe, perhaps just a little. I have 2 jobs now that have fixed hours and like everyone else life expenses are squeezing my finances.

The future looks uncertain and my physical ability to work is diminishing due to arthritis let alone my ability to walk. I am not anywhere near retirement and I don't know what to do. I have been trying to retrain but don't if I can mentally deal with the pressures of assignments, work, family and my own existence. I found degree work too much recently and am now attempting a certificate level course. I feel like the sword Damocles is hanging over my head. (Yes I love the rocky horror picture show).

It seems like my sense of the ridiculous is all that keeps me going. I am exhausted with all this, being a single parent for the last 15 years and life in general. I worked with some people that used their health issues as a free pass for appalling behaviour towards others but I have always tried to keep mine to myself especially my mental health. Finding professionals to help was always hard because once the mention of DID came out suddenly there was no help available, "books were full". So I now only mention stress or low mood and definitely not psychotic symptoms. I understand complex mental health is scary and complex I do but I can't manage it alone. I have a psychologist now but I keep my DID and psychotic symptom discussion to myself in the hope she won't see it but unfortunately it may pop out during an appointment. gee I hope not they always look at you with fear in their eyes when they see it. All I can discuss is the basics but it does lighten the load.

I have lived with DID for most of my life (diagnosed in my early 20s) and although its more managed now I find other associated symptoms are not.

There are voices internally and externally and I have visual hallucinations at times especially at night, the huge bear at the side of my house being the scariest one. Some pictures I see in my mind are also pretty horrible and the the thoughts that reiterate failure if I make a mistake, any mistake can be unsettling.

I have thought about and attempted suicide many times prior to having a family but now I just want peace. My son has developed schizophrenia with depression and my daughter has anxiety with depression. My former partner also had depression and its fairly obvious the result has been a higher probability our children would experience mental health issues.

I work in healthcare and find that people with a variety of mental illness seem to find me and rely on me to help them. Much as I can understand and listen it seems like I am getting squeezed into a corner and soon there will be no room for me.

I get very little time for myself and when I do cling on for dear life. Lately I just feel deeply sad and my eyes fill with tears frequently. If I am not sad I am highly irritable and tired. Going to work and putting on a happy face is necessary but exhausting. If the mask slips i just say I am tired. Funny thing a dementia client picked up there was something different about me so obviously it does not fool everyone.

2 replies

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In response to: the long haul

tymeModerator24 Feb 2023, 9:00 pm AEDT

Re: the long haul

Good on you for giving things a shot @LadyCaroline .

You have been very resilient, and I can only imagine how hard it is to put on a brave face at work each day only to know you are breaking inside.

My heart goes out to you. I am so grateful you have reached out on the forums.

Trust me - I have read, I have heard. You are a real battler.

I'm here for a chat if you need one.

In response to: the long haul

justanotherguySenior Contributor24 Feb 2023, 11:26 pm AEDT

Re: the long haul

Hi @LadyCaroline ,

Thanks for your comment on one of my posts, full credit to anyone with dependents or partners with mental health issues, it must take a tremendous effort. I have been whingeing on here for a few weeks, just can't believe what I've been through, but looking back I have brought a lot of it on myself. Having a 'psychotic' illness puts you straight in the bin as far as most people are concerned and the more I try and be reasonable and objective with people, the worse things get for me. Trying not to tell a mental health worker what's really going on seems counter productive but in my mind now I just know that people don't want to hear my problems. I understand people have enough problems of their own and me crying like a man-child does not make them very sympathetic. But when you are on the outer you think you are being left behind all the time and it's tiresome when you are already so far behind in life. I have been in hospital a few times and have ridden it out as I had no dependents to worry about. But it has taken its toll. I feel that I cannot talk to anyone because I don't know what to say that won't annoy somebody. Maybe that's just what the world has become. I get good grades, I can do the work, but office politics kills me so it's really hard to contemplate work still. I've never actually tried to SH as I was comfortable with myself when young but the way the world has changed in 30 years I'm sure has contributed to a lot of my problems.

Sorry @LadyCaroline , is it possible to move? Try somewhere different? If life is not working for you there, is there somewhere else you always wanted to try? I feel a sense of defeat too but I know there are lots of things at play in our lives that we are not even aware of. Just becaue Australia was a great place to be 30 years ago does not mean it can't make life hard now. I thought life would always be good for me here but obviously not. I am not actually very unwell but reality is biting hard.

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