polyesterflowerCasual Contributor
Don't know if I should even be posting here, as I have a 31 year track record of therapy/techniques to feel better being subpar/outright not working
I'm safe.
But here we are. Shit is getting worse. I'm coming off my antidepressant because I thought it was messing me up. Maybe it is, and maybe the reason I feel worse is because this SSRI has hella withdrawal symptoms. My psychiatrist is monitoring the taper down, and actually recently increased the time between drops. He's admitting me in March on the day I go down to 0mg.
I don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore. I SH about two weeks ago, and the reasons I haven't since is because I'm basically out of 'space,' I'm also struggling to close the most recent SH still, but also my memory/perception is shot in the last four days, possibly longer but I noticed four days ago. I can't seem to hold more than one item in my head at once. One thing, I can remember if I repeat it to myself. If I have to juggle even two things to make a decision that combines the two, I lose them both. Good luck getting me to juggle more. So I just forget that I'm thinking about SH.
And the other one, the Big S, sounds good but I have very specific reasons not to, so until those reasons get stamped out of my subconscious, I'm safe. Because I don't have the mental capacity to really comprehend a change there.
My anxiety/dysohoria/whatever TF it is is so bad. It's bad in the morning, but at some point mid-afternoon, I feel much, much worse. I engage in a certain drug behaviour (a very common one, legal, but not an acutely dangerous one) to help myself sleep, but at the moment, I'm using it uring the day, as it's the only thing that has ever helped my anxiety, except certain strong anti-anxiety meds, which stop working after a few days, and they're not safe to take longer anyway. I'm going into debt trying to have enough of this drug.
I really don't expect anyone to be able to help. We'll all get frustrated. But maybe not, since I haven't specifically reached out here before.
I also have a singular delusion, which hasn't changed since I was a kid except in intensity, where I 'know' I'm not human in some way, and everybody can tell, and they know shit's fucked and it offends everyone. So that makes it really hard to open up. I get most success getting my feelings out in my diary, because no one is obligated to read it. What I like about here is that no one is going to be thinking they need to reply immediately. A text hotline, webchat, especially phone call, all require someone to reply right away. Here, there's no pressure and you a deserve no pressure.
