Anxiety around eating and drinking

Hi, I'm new to this space and thought I'd just dive straight in i suppose!

A little background: i have always had high anxiety/panic attacks (diagnosed before my teens) and issues with eating/drinking in front of people. However this only got worse after i had a terrible throat iinfection in my teenage years and have had trouble swallowing ever since. Around this time i was also diagnosed with depression as well.

Some years on: I was finally admitted to hospital after passing out in late 2019 surrounding the above and how it affects my behaviours. The hospital wasn't kept very clean and i was distressed for my whole 2 week stay due to the added lack of compassion and care that i received. I tried discharging myself and was told i "couldn't"?

Anyway, after this hospital stay i didn't do too badly at looking after myself but there have been times in the past 2-3 years that i have tried seeking further help again.

Currently: I am at my absolute worst with everything again. I get triggered by things that happen around me that i find hard to deal with. I do have a lot of past trauma, including sexual abuse (which i don't normally mention) but feel safe to do so here. More so though my trauma involves loved ones and their health battles that always affect me the most. When I'm triggered, i can't look after myself and this has been the case again in recent months.

above all else: i feel so very alone. I don't fit the criteria for in-patient treatment, etc as i do not have any issues regarding body image, etc like you would expect in certain eating disorders. I'm honestly so over the laughs i get from professionals, the anger from them too and just overall the lack of support/no access to any kind of treatment.

My body is so hungry but i genuinely can't help myself. I don't know what to do.

I feel like I've left out so much detail but this in itself is a LOT to me. I share this in hopes of finding out I'm in fact not alone (although i wouldn't want anyone else to battle this every single day like i have for years, I'm now 27 years of age).

I thank you immensely for taking your time in any way on digesting part of my story. I am always incredibly drained in life lately but hope I'll be able to pick and choose moments where i can touch base on this forum in some way overall.

with love and gratitude,

~messymind