multiple suicide loss

Good Afternoon @deepbreath ,

I'm sorry to hear of your losses, particularly those so close to you.

I lost two friends to suicide. It was a real shock and sent me back in my own MH. It was something I'd least expect. One friend being so 'successful', intelligent, and hardworking.

They were here one day and gone the next. Having been part of their lives, all I can say now is that it gives me more determination to support people from choosing to go down the path of suicide.

Hence my work in mental health is so important to me.

Hello @deepbreath

I like your name and resonate strongly with your post.

I have had friends and close relatives complete suicide, with varying reasons or causes for making that decision. There has been serious complex trauma going back at least 2 generations. Consequences of suicide are many.

One man told me he never cared about his father who suicided as he was just an alcoholic and no good. I believe his attitude limits him, but he is not worrying about it and likes his life.

I have a much more nuanced understanding, with no real goodies and baddies but lots of people with whole lot of challenges. There is also a lot of social judgment and guilt by association. So much that it has been difficult to find services that actually do the hard yards of teasing out the issues and implications.

My story is all over the forum. I also try and use our stories (each person has a unique journey) to try and help others dealing with these issues. The first person I heard about suicide was from was an old girlfriend from school, who attempted but did not complete. She asked a social worker to find me ... years later at work. I visited her, and encouraged her to find meaning in life, but I had such serious circumstances to deal with myself. I have also struggled with a great deal of suicidal ideation.

What do you want to discuss ... and/or think are some of the consequences?

Hi @deepbreath

It does get easier with a lot of time - I am glad you have found us - I know there are other people out there that can understand. I certainly do.

Welcome to the forum family.

I have lost a son and a cousin to suicide - both were years ago now - still I do still feel the pain sometimes - and I really feel for you - a good friend, your father and your brother. That's huge.

It's so hard to understand - why were we not enough to keep them here? I understand now that people who complete suicide are in so much pain they have no concept that what they are doing will not stop the pain - it's just spread further around and those of us left to pick up the pieces and get on with our lives somehow.

My son was a teenager and possibly didn't really understand that what he was doing was permanent - it was easy to forgive him as he had a mental illness and other issues - my cousin was a very sick man - still - harder to understand because he was a mature person. I daresay he had enough and gave up.

Some of us don't. We continue - who knows why this different path is what we choose and our loved ones didn't. I'm not here to judge - just accept - and evaluate.

I really don't know what to say - I have spent time thinking about it - my life has been interesting and I feel successful - it has been a life worth living and not an easy one.

So what about you? Your post shows empathy and an honest search for other people's concepts of loss through suicide in their family. Personally - my extended family wasn't that great with either death - the parents of my cousin helped me when my son died and when my cousin died - I was there for them.

Some people understand and risk their own emotional security and reach out - others do not. I hope you can work this through with someone in your family - you all need that and denial can sometimes be a barrier.

The backdrop of a traumatic childhood - yes - I identify with that - I had some trauma in my childhood - I had enough support from my father and my grandparents and my young uncles - school teachers etc. - and I have been fortunate in developing resilience - something I will be writing about as I work through some of my own life-problems. It helps me to do so. My son made life traumatic for himself so he certainly had a battle on his hands - I am confident that he is at peace now and I have accepted the loss.

I take it that you are not at all at peace with what has happened - of course you would like to be - I imagine right now it's all to fresh and you don't really have any support. That's okay - someone told me it's okay to be not okay - hhmm - I am old school I think - but in reality, as uncomfortable as being not okay is - that's where people are at times - and so you are entitled to what you feel. There is no need to deny your feelings and your understanding that what has happened is terribly painful. It is - and loss through any sudden death is hard to take - suicide is the ultimate triple-whammy - a death - a sudden death - a violent death - and you have three of these - that is a very heavy burden. Actually, three times the burden

Self-care is vital - eat well when you are able, exercise gently when you can and sleep as much as possible when possible. None of these suggestions are easy either but I can assure you they help.

I really care - I wish I could gather you up and tell you it will be all right. In the future it will be easier but it will never be all right. It might become acceptable to you.

I hope so.

I don't know if you have any professional help - I did - it can help sort out your emotions and maybe put you into a better position to help your family if that's what you choose to do.

Keep in touch - you are not alone - finding your way through is the only way and grief-work is very hard work indeed.

My love and understanding.

Owlunar