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What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

UggbootdivaSenior Contributor24 Nov 2014, 2:04 am AEDT

What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

My partner and I have been having a few struggles lately and it has made me wander what do you want/wish we (with an MI) could do differently? Ie. not "be cured" but maybe apologise when the kids have been treated badly etc?

9 replies

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In response to: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

TatsindaSenior Contributor24 Nov 2014, 6:08 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

For me, it would be great if my hubby could just hold his tongue when he is feeling negative. He gets really cranky at the kids and is quite snappy with me, and I can understand he's not feeling the best but taking it out on us is hurtful. Alternatively if he could apologise to everyone shortly afterwards it would be lovely. He needs to work on recognising his triggers and behaviour patterns so he can pull himself up before he lashes out. But overall I just need to know he is working on getting better - it makes it all easier to put up with.

In response to: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

CherryBombSenior Contributor24 Nov 2014, 8:20 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

@Uggbootdiva

Great question! I won't write much but I thought I'd just draw @Sister to this discussion. She wrote in this post (which you might like to comment on) that she is going through a tough time with her brother, who she cares for. @Sister I thought this might be an interesting question for you (change the words 'parent' or 'partner' to ask) - What would want your brother to do differently?

In response to: Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

UggbootdivaSenior Contributor24 Nov 2014, 10:49 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

@Tatsinda yes, I agree. Great suggestion.

I will endeavour to apologise quickly and more often - certainly can't hurt.

I suppose some of the problem is that sometimes I feel that I am annoyed for valid reasons that have nothing to do with MI, but my MI makes me more irritable and less able to regulate my behaviour. The old problem of where do i end and my illness begin? How much is willpower or lack of, and how much is really not my fault?

and to be totally upfront, if I am unwell i think I am SO right for being annoyed, that it is them (my family) not me who are in the wrong. So I am less likely to apologise...

What about forgiveness fatigue though? do you think if he did apologise that eventually you would say "well if you are sorry why don't you do something about it"

Sometimes i feel like all i do is say sorry mummy is being such a poo, it's me not you etc.etc.

I am just waiting for the day my kids/partner say - not good enough - when I apologise for my horrible behaviour...

In response to: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor27 Nov 2014, 9:13 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

Hmmm well at some point we do need to take responsibility for our actions.. Which takes a lot of patience and persistence.. ubd, my husband has never criticised me when I was seriously unwell, but over time and as I improved he will point out if perhaps my behaviour is unreasonable.. It is painful when he does so, but it is so infrequent that I listen and take action. Apologising is healing, if followed through with genuine attempts to address challenges.
So, for me, sometimes it might be..hey..you should take that to your peer group as I doubt what you're doing is aligned with your program.. But it's reciprocal because when he is stressed at work same challenge issued by me..hey your work is impacting on your wellbeing time to address it at work..

Getting on top of our mental health and maintaining is definitely a team effort.. Whether we are right or wrong in our crankiness is neither here nor there, coz by the nature of being human, cranky is part of the human condition.

Where I really struggle is moderating the level of my crankiness..modelling the adult behaviour of "when you ignore my reasonable requests of eg put your clothes away..I feel cranky that you are not listening.. This can turn into " for crying out loud just bloody do as your told!"

Thus demonstrating my lack of control and increased cranky pants..

Working on seeing funnier side and remind myself that is ordinary for family to disagree over what's important when it comes to small stuff..mine being not treading on Lego or tripping over balls..%#%%@@ hate standing on toys in dark..

In response to: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

UggbootdivaSenior Contributor30 Nov 2014, 10:19 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

@Alessandra1992
omg. lego hurts SO much.

And yes. actions. responsibility. consequences.
I cringe when my eldest talks like me to her little sister.

In response to: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

Alessandra1992Senior Contributor02 Dec 2014, 10:12 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

@Uggbootdiva

Tell me about it..If there is one thing I could change with toys..that they all turn soft when trodden on! Mind you, cracked myself when youngest leapt onto one and had to stifle response because I had just stated someone will get hurt standing on your kego..watching him hop around made my day.like my very own Aami Ad.

In response to: Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

PeppiPattySenior Contributor06 Dec 2014, 1:56 am AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

I think I remember putting posters up on the wall.

For my ex husband..sweetheart that he was I wrote

Do not hurt Anne
1: look in the mirror
2 look at your hair
3: brush your hair
4: have a good hair day !

This to a man with IQ of 160.
The other one....was therapy. I paid and paid for my children to have years of therapy. You can get it for free now but I wasn't a good Mum.
Am now.

In response to: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

GivingMickSenior Contributor06 Dec 2014, 11:23 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

It's a coincidence I read this section today.
Had a good wedding anniversary the other day, went to children's end of year celebration, and then drove my wife to her Friday night out. I looked after the children.
All events were enjoyed, but not without a hassle! Before each event, she had a qualm. Then today, I went over to spend time with them all, because my son told me his sister was ill. I got told to go by my wife, because her friends were coming over. They don't like me because I left my wife. She reminded me we are separated, so we should behave that way! Ok. I have played my part to the best of my ability. On again, off again, I refuse to be her pawn. 😒

In response to: Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

PeppiPattySenior Contributor07 Dec 2014, 4:59 pm AEDT

Re: What do you want from your partner or parent who has a MI?

where do you see yourself in one year in relation to the children ?
It is a journey learning to like yourself in every step you take.

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