mamabear88Casual Contributor
The trauma I never shared TW:violence, suicidal thoughts
Hi everyone, I am new here. I've started this message half a dozen times already! So I'm just gonna say my story as brief as I can.
TW: Abuse
My father is an alcoholic and very abusive. He started being violent when I was 4. (He probably always was) one of my most vivid memories was when I was 5, as my mother was working in the afternoon he would look after me and would enjoy hiding until I started crying because I wouldn't find him then would jump out from nowhere to scare me to death, would shout at me for being a pu**y, by then I would usually get so scared of him that I would start shaking and pee myself, he would then laugh for minutes calling me a little pisser. And that would happen on a regular basis. He would always end up the event by saying "your mother better not hear about it all or she would be very disappointed..."
At other times an argument would start for no reason, I didn't grate the cheese fine enough, set up the table the wrong way or didn't close a tap properly... It would escalate, and I would end up with bruises... Most times my mother would get in the middle physically shielding me from the violence.
We used to live in an apartment with neighbours left right up and down but no one ever knocked at our door despite my screams or cries. I even ran out one day knocking at random doors screaming for help but no one opened their door and my father caught me and bring me back into the appartement. After that episode I tried to end it by taking my own life, I was 6.
I am now 34. This all happened when I lived in France. I moved to Australia 9 years ago mostly to get away from him.
Around my early teenage years I also been physically abused by a friend of the family. There was no rape (or I think so...) but he did many things that were wrong to me.
All of this is still in my head and I have nightmares, panic attacks and relationship issues. My partner is the only one who knows everything and he's been pushing me to talk about it. Our intimacy can sometimes trigger panic attacks. I also miss big gaps in my memory, it's just blank.
I recently tried to open to my mother about it, she said that my father was always playful and teasing maybe I mistook it for something it was not. She can't believe he would ever do something like that, she also said to forget about it and it will go away. I was utterly disappointed and shattered that my feelings and now adult issues have been dismissed so quickly, I stopped talking to her about it, it was more painful for me not to be supported by my own mother.
Even 30 years after it still affects my daily life and the lost memories sometimes comes back and very vivid. I have trust issues obviously. I also hate the crowd and going out. Some days I'm just numb and some days I'm fine.
I have a one year old son as well which helps me a lot, he's my little light in the dark, a very happy and bubbly baby.
Can anyone relate to some of my issues and did you talk to your family about it? How were you received? Any advice or suggestions that can help the sleeping process? I'm literally scared at night time now, getting anxious about having nightmares and what not which causes insomnia.
How do you manage your triggers? For the ones who have professional help how did it help you? Anyone who has kids and dealing with the same kind of issues? Really not feeling so alone in this will be a first step for me.
Thank you for taking the time to read me.
