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Yes or no to starting family?

jaysketteContributor27 Oct 2016, 4:57 pm AEDT

Yes or no to starting family?

Hi All, hopefully I am asking this question in the correct forum.

We are at odds about whether we should start a family. We both have MI and a family history of MI. If we do, there is a very high chance the baby may have schizophrenia, anxiety and bipolar. Husband is clucky but is now accepting that we both have to be well most of the time and have jobs etc. There is cultural and parental pressure to have children but I don't feel particularly maternal. I fear escalating IVF costs and toll of being a mum/carer to husband with not much family/social support if we don't start now. Obivously with our conditions and meds there is practically no sex drive either. I fear missing out if I never end up having a child. Husband seem to be much calmer and happier when around kids, so I don't want to miss out on giving him someone to love and thus hopefully trigger him to keep on maintaining his mental health becuase he would now have someone dependent on him or to live for.

As you can see from the above I tend to only think of the negatives but I would like to say I am being realistic. Sometimes I think that I would like a child to remind us we have to be stronger and to escape the monotony of everyday life with just 2 adults in the house. I have a bit of social anxiety as well so taking the baby to play dates or preschool etc would force me to be more social and to get out more. And sometimes I think that we are in a better socioeconmonic situation than lots of extended family/friends we know that have 3+ kids, so surely 1 can't be that bad? Or is it just the grass is greener on the other side thinking?

7 replies

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In response to: Yes or no to starting family?

utopiaSenior Contributor27 Oct 2016, 5:49 pm AEDT

Re: Yes or no to starting family?

@jayskette. I love this question and your post. Thank you for opening up here.
A month or two ago I read a book (can't remember the name - I have problems with memory) from my local library. It was about 3 generational studies on families with Mental Illness. An absolutely fascinating read.
Studies have been conducted for more than 40 years & look at the risks associated with developing a MI.
This book looks at the % risks (compared to the general public) of children where a parent has a MI & how that % increases when there are multi generational histories of MI.
However, it also looks at why some children with that higher % risk do not develop MI. There is some great practical advice on how to then reduce this risk in our children.
I wish I could remember the name of the book- but if you go to your local library and just try to describe it as 3 generational studies & risk factors for MMental illness - hopefully they will come up with the book. Then you and your husband can both read it and have further conversations.
Also, you could bring this issue up with your therapists and ask for advice and information about the risks.
Specifically for you - I'd say - if you are not interested in having children - because you dovnot feel maternal - then maybe children aren't for you.
A child will not necessarily make your husband more proactive in looking after his own mental health. That has to happen because he wants to be as healthy as he can be, for himself.
A child adds an enormous amount of strain on any individual or couple. So I understand the confusion this is causing you.
Pleass read lots of information. Talk to your therapists. And search inside yourself - to see if you really could cope or want to cope with having a child.
I wish you and your husband all the very best.

In response to: Yes or no to starting family?

Unknown userMember27 Oct 2016, 10:41 pm AEDT

Re: Yes or no to starting family?

Hi @jayskette

Welcome to the forums. I think that your post is very honest, insightful and brave. Thank you for posting. i'm not sure anyone can answer your question for you... there are so many pro's and cons and you are being realistic which is why i find you so insightful to your self. Is there any chance of working with your support network/therapists as a couple to see what the pro's and cons might look like. what can be worked out, what cant etc.

No one is perfect, no one's lives are perfect and I would not change for the world that I have two beautiful children. It has meant that I have had to seek support and help at times even if for no other reason than that they need me to be the best that I can be.... but there are times that I feel incredibly guilty and 'not enough' as well because of my mi. it's tough.

I also don't think you are being 'negative' i think that you are recognising the good as well in that you say your husband seems happier and calmer around kids 🙂 Though i will say that your own kids can be far different to being around other people's kids. There are days when i think it's easier to control my school kids (im a teacher) than it is to work out how to parent my own! doh!

Please keep chatting/sharing the worries/concerns that come up if it helps, sometimes just getting it outside of ourselves can help us see things more clearly or objectively, plus other members may have experiences/idas they can relate to and share,

good luck

In response to: Yes or no to starting family?

SehnsuchtSenior Contributor01 Nov 2016, 11:48 pm AEDT

Re: Yes or no to starting family?

Hi @jayskette !

Welcome to the forums.

What an excellent question! My view is this: yes there are studies suggesting a causal link between genetic inheritence of MI's.

But there is no explanation as to how that one person begins that chain. And an able family does not have a magic wand that ensures it isn't going to begin with them!

For anyone that wishes to challenge myself, choosing to have our own children despite my history of shizoaffective disorder, I ask them this: "Did you know you were going to definitely go through pregnancy and post natal hormone changes without experiencing depression, anxiety, or psychosis for the first time? You are aware just by carrying a baby in the womb you ran that risk?"

And follow it with "I have an awareness, and seek to put systems in place to help and assist, and if needed, remove myself from my family for a time, if ever I am to spiral into psychosis. If anyone is to beceome psychotic or mood imbalanced as a parent, at least I am prepared."

On choosing to have kids, while I say any neurogdivergence in either or both parent is not a disqualification, wanting kids is a far more important variable!!

Have you considered having your neices visit more often? Or fostering? I hope to foster sometime in future, once our preschoolers are in school. Some days I wish I had just gone straight to fostering, not because I feel I fail as a parent, but on ethical and sustainability tangents I often wonder if the world would on a whole be better off without so much reproducing of little humans. As amazing as they are.

xxxx

In response to: Yes or no to starting family?

PrincessmollySenior Contributor04 Nov 2016, 6:42 am AEDT

Re: Yes or no to starting family?

Hi there. Your post really touched a cord with me. I have MI and have a parent and a grandparent who have taken their life.
I was in a good place mentally and had been off medication for years, was the healthiest i ever was so we decided to have a baby. Our kiddo who is an amazing toddler was a very difficult baby. I struggled so so badly with: breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, PPD/PPA, extreme over eating, massive weight gain.
2 years later and i am only now seeing the light at the end of the tunnle. I knew having a baby would be hard. I was unprepared however for the fact that my kid wouldnt sleep. I was prepared for 4 or so wake ups but not ten plus.
Also i have always taken a lot of time to keep mentally well by doing a lot of exercise, reading, sport etc. I could do none of that after my high needs kiddo came along. I was in shock.
2 years later things are amazing. I am so so in love with my son. We have a fabulous bond and i am only just now realising how amazing a parent i have been thus far (if you look up some of my previous posts you will see that i was in a very dark place just recently coming off anti depressants).
We are now trying to decide if we will try give our son a sibling. My husband has always yearned for 2 and its only now i am entertaining the idea. We have both decided we wouldn't persue fertility treatment if we cant though. Its scary having a baby with a MI, or adding to your family. Think long and hard about what you want. What you would like to acheive as a person and a family. About the supports you can put in place. About what would happen if you became debilitated with MI post birth...could hubby care for you and a child (my husband did EVERYTHING at home the first year i was a mess).
If you do have a baby, and you do have a hard time (which may not be the case at all) i want you know that it gets better 😍 sometimes it takes a while

In response to: Yes or no to starting family?

BridgetjonesSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 12:04 am AEDT

Re: Yes or no to starting family?

Having a child isnt all fun and games. Being a parent is challenging but add MI to the mix and in my experience youre in for a stressful situation especially when they reach the teen years. I was nearly driven mad by my daughter during her teen years and felt that suicide was the only way out. Sorry if this is way too negative but being a parent is overrated. Enjoy being childfree!!!!!!!

In response to: Yes or no to starting family?

SaharaSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 6:54 am AEDT

Re: Yes or no to starting family?

Hi @jayskette,

What interests me is that you say you are not particularly maternal but you are still thinking of having a child. You also say that you would consider having a child to 'escape the monotony of everyday life'.

@jayskette, the way I see it is that having a baby is the about the most monotonous activity on the planet! It's a lot of work and it tends to tie you to the house, day in and day out.

Personally, I am not a parent, but the people who I know who are parents have each found it extremely stressful - which is one of the reasons I chose not to have children.

I suffer from anxiety and I find a lot of things very stressful already. I always shun responsibility and dislike having to be in charge of anything. I value having time to myself. Even caring for pets can make me feel stressed at times! I often feel like they demand more than I want to give.

The way our culture is set up kind of pushes you towards parenthood.... it's sort of ''expected' of everyone, especially once you are married. It's supposed to make you feel 'fulfilled' and 'complete', in spite of studies continually showing that parents the happiest only once their kids leave home!

In response to: Re: Yes or no to starting family?

SehnsuchtSenior Contributor08 Nov 2016, 1:03 pm AEDT

Re: Yes or no to starting family?

Yes, these two comments above ^^

Parenting is all about the children. I chose parenting because I wanted to, and felt capable, of investing time to listen and respond to my child's needs. Sure, many times I benefit from having my two preschoolers. But when this happens it is a nice bonus, it is not the aim. I am still me, I am not consumed by having become 'mum'. But, when actively parenting, I do have to take on that role. It is literally all about them, not about me. I don't see value in raising kids to just adhere to and value following rules for the sake of submitting to authority. Parenting is about being taught, as much as it is about teaching them.

As someone who has been in teaching roles with kids for over ten years, I can honestly say, that taking on that role is entirely different to actually being the parent at the end of each day. Like all jobs, knowing there is a given and notable start and finish, makes it 10,000x easier. Give or take a few thousand lol.
Being a parent is kind of like nursing depression in a way, the limbo, the inifinite extension of time it seems to demand. I don't know that they'll go to sleep after a book at bedtime. And while I'm working on that, I'm already thinking about how my morning will be if they don't go to sleep now, and how lunch willl go beyond that... all the way to bedtime all week. It takes a lot of energy to swipe away building these expectations and even considering 'what next', and to just focus on the now, and involving the child in that decision. They are their own people, I guess is what I'm trying to come around to. You can't guarantee that they will be benefiical to you or not. What is beneficial is when you accept and value that, and base your success in the job as encouraging them to work you hard.

If you do love kids and enjoy and feel the time spent with them is fun and refreshing, definitely see if you can spend more time with your nieces/nephews/friends kids for now! Your family and friends might truly appreciate it too. Some types of fostering are more like respite visits, time away from family so each get a break, for a variety of reasons. Maybe you'd enjoy that too. And maybe if you do either of these, and begin to feel more maternal, you might change your mind. Or, you might decide and be content with arrangements already in place. Or decide parenting (whether as a village or as maternal) is actually not indeed for you. And if so, you'll be able to step back away again.

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