WolfiesSenior Contributor
I don't know what to do...
There's someone in my life, that's family which has hurt me for too long. She's my older sister. This is going to be a bit long, but I guess I'm just really upset now and I need some input on the whole thing. It's as if I've taken a step back from this situation, and attempting to evaluate it for what it is at the moment. I'm trying to find meaning, and learn from it. At this point in time, ultimately I want to come to the decision. Should I keep this person in my life? Or cut them out completely... for they may be detrimental to my own growth as a person.
She's just a nasty person. She treats me badly. Calls me many things, has petty jabs at me whenever she can. Whether it has to do with my appearance, my intelligence, my lack of friends, my never having a relationship. The situation is that I live with her, and her daughter with my parents and uncle. I'm a University student, at that age of fragility I suppose where you're attempting to find your identity. She, is about a decade or so older than me. She had a break-down earlier this year after splitting from a ten year relationship, and went on a spree of having intercourse with random guys she'd meet on the internet. She fell hard for one of them, and was on the verge of suicide. I had to act as her confidante for an entire year, attempting to coax her out of doing so. She was on the floor, a writhing mess. She wanted to end herself, but I comforted her out of it. From then on, I continued listening to her complaining about life. How she hated people out of just the way they looked, as if they were lesser beings due to being 'ugly'. How her friends were all 'fake and stupid bitches'. I just had to sit there and nod my head. When it came to conversation with her it was always one-sided. Whenever I seeked comfort or someone to confide in when things got tough, she'd ignore me completely. Not on purpose- no. It was if she lacked the very facility to comfort anyone sincerely. She wouldn't say anything, she'd just look away as if I didn't say a word. The lights were on her, always. She'd immidately turn the conversation back onto herself, and I'd have to forget about my pains and struggles. She was more important. She'd do me favors, I'd appreciate it. Such as spotting me lunch and such. Looking back however, I felt as if I was her pet. If I didn't obey any of her rules, she'd be quick to shout 'After all I've done for you'. Every move I made was used against me.
Out of being her confidante for an entire year, I saw her from a different perspective. Who she truly was. I went from admiring her, to loathing her. It dawned on me, after her brief explosion towards me, some nights ago that: "This woman hates me, and she will never see me differently."
I don't know why though. I never did anything... she just hates me. She just hates me.
She called me a number of things, which perplexed me. Saying I was immature, spoilt, ingrateful, and that I thought I ran the household. I don't, not one bit. It just confuses me. Where an earth would something like this come from? I like to pretend it doesn't hurt me, like it doesn't effect me. Like I have strength in me. But that's not true. It does hurt me. It does. I cry in the bathroom because I can't let her see this, because if she sees this... she feels empowered. She'll prance around the house, her croaky voice booming all through-out... happy with much gaiety and lightness in her voice. It's a victory in her eyes. Me, I've always been seen as a useless idiot. She always calls me: weak, gutless, useless, stupid regardless of my achievements. I observed in public she became someone else entirely different. She'd wear these 'masks' out in public, becoming the sweetest and most saccharine person you'd ever meet. On the phone, she was someone else. Then when she'd come back to the household, she'd turn into a venemous viper. Spitting venom about everyone and anyone she'd observe on social media or the T.V. Rarely she'd talk about their abilities, always she'd nit pick their looks. She always had this complex in her, whenever someone went wrong, it was everyone elses' fault. She was the victim. Never can she take responsibility. Her daughter, for one. She never raised, and still doesn't pay her so much attention. It makes me sad. Even when she does pay her attention, it feels unatural and mechanical the way she does it. As if it's rehearsed from what the 'ideal mother is'. It's brief too. When she's done doing those fake queues to quash her guilt, she goes back to herself.
She was insecure about her looks, how she's 'old', how she can't have anymore kids, how she's not in a relationship. Yet, it's funny. She projects all of the very same bullshit onto me. She says I'm a spinster, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm probably a lesbian, and that I'll never find anyone. I've noticed also, she has this need to prove me wrong on everything and anything. It doesn't matter what it is.
Her last explosion, I suppose came from jealousy. The middle sister. Her and I have been hanging out with one another frequently. I never pushed her to invite me anywhere, but she did so willingly whilst the older sister wasn't. I was told I was more mellow company in comparison. This made her distant towards me, the older sister, and she began treating me differently. She started doing odd things, like smothering the middle sister and raising her voice loudly in the room so that all attention was on her, it as if she was saying 'Oh my god, look at me, I'm so interesting!' After that explosion, on her part, she knew she did wrong in the eyes of everyone of the household. She is now currently trying to act overtly kinder than usual to everyone. I accepted her apology, but whilst doing so I whinced at her. She noticed. For I suppose, for once I saw through her. I spent a whole year, listening to her prattle on about her issues. She was vulnerable towards me. I know her secrets, yet I don't exploit them as she does with mine. Genuinely, I wanted her to be okay. I wanted to help her. But I can't anymore. I just can't.
It's not really the words that hurt me. It's how she says them. She insults with such fire, such hate, and such venom in her voice. As if she contempts your very existence. As if she is disgusted of you. I don't wish to destroy her, or 'cause her any harm. I know she will do that herself. She will destroy herself. I know she will. Her life seems to have this vicious cycle. When that happens though, I don't want to be there. For she is attempting to destroy me.
I just, I don't know. What can I make of this situation. Why does she hate me so much? This isn't a new thing. She's hated me ever since I was six years old. I have a terrible memory of her then I don't want to bring up- I just want to know. What would you do if you were in this situation? I am at a turning point in my life where I've said I won't be like everyone else, shrugging off her behavior. I want to grow as a person. I want to be the best version of myself possible. I just don't think I can be, if I keep forgiving her.
I don't know...
