I just hurt

My life has been such a mixed bag, @Owlunar. It started well, soon went downhill, began to recover over so many years then fell apart completely. I'll never recover from this. I'm completely broken. 'He' changed my thinking, my values, my way of doing things, everything I did or wanted to do had to be passed by him. Everything that says 'this is me' is what he created or allowed to develop. But it seems that that has somehow left him in control of me, with an unbreakable 'connection'. No-one but a psychiatrist can understand the hold he has over me some decades after my last consultation. It's like I am his creation and he'll do as he wishes with me. I can't escape his control. I was, and am still, like the imprinted duckling following its human. He's an absolute monster. This nightmare wasn't an accident, it was malicious and deliberate. As I said, only a psychiatrist can understand what he has done to me. I hurt so badly and he's enjoying it. I guess women must have done him wrong and he wanted revenge. And in I walked.

I did the very best I could for everyone. Since the breakdown of my own family, I have lived the life I had wanted. I have found myself, studied, travelled, gained my self-respect and so much more—but I didn't want it just for me. I wanted it for my family and my birth family.

I wish I had some cheerful things to say to brighten your day, @Owlunar. I can say that it is good to see you back. Our 'family' seems a little more complete again.

So your birthday is still to happen? How's the telescope going? Did you have to calibrate it? I can imagine your delight with it. I had intended to get a pair of binoculars, but as I have no-one to share my interest/s with, I didn't bother.

I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle and aunt, and so close together. I guess your aunt must have lived for your uncle. It must be nice to have dear relatives.

I'm in dire need of a holiday. I haven't had one for 19 years and could really use a change of scenery. I used to be so independent, but I think I've lost the ability to do these big things by myself now. It all seems so daunting when it used to be exciting. I wish I had a travel buddy.

As for my studies, there are times when I wonder why I am doing this, then others when I immerse myself in it so fully that I am 'at one' with it and can't imagine life without it. It feels so good when the thoughts are firing. I'm always concerned that I'll get behind and buckle under the pressure of trying to catch up with my assignments. (I'm a perfectionist and it's such a pain). So, I always try to get as far ahead as possible. I just want to have some other real-life interactions as this isolation isn't healthy.

It would be nice to see a bit of Canada. I hope it happens for you. So sorry to read that both you and your daughter are going through these painful health issues.

I hope I haven't dampened your mood, @Owlunar. It was great to hear from you. 🔭 Did you watch 'Happy Birthday Hubble' this afternoon?

Hi @Historylover

I can't understand that psychiatrist did to you - but I do know what it's like to have someone interfere with us on deep level and know what can happen - though what I have experienced is different

I stood up to our mother - my siblings didn't and they are not people I need to see. Fighting back isn't easy but I won - tough though - I also believe a psychiatrist would be able to work at a deeper level and obviously this has taken your inmost being to bad place. I see you.

You didn't take me to any shadowy place yesterday. I have to time myself on the computer because of the shoulder pain and I have to stop now. I will be back.

Taking new steps on a new path can be risky - you have some friends here though

Owlunar

Happy Sunday. @Owlunar. I'm taking time out from homework to come here, and to have lunch. Siblings can be so problematic! My own brothers are so different to me, and so different to each other. My elder brother has a head full of misconceptions about everything and everyone, and he just can't be reasoned with. It would unbalance him further to have to amend his thinking, so he just withdraws back into his safe world of what he believes and wants to be. He also thinks that what he experienced is the same as what I experienced. He regards the 'relatives' who brought ruin to our family as his friends, and they just keep goading him further along his self-destructive path. He's happy there. I just wish I had my brother back. My other brother is an unfathomable fellow. I know he hurts, but he's in a familiar place and won't try anything different. I've lost them both and I miss them. Life, families and relationships are so very complex!

And here it sits, unresolved and irreconcilable. And there's nothing that can stop it playing out in my mind every day.

I'm studying sociology this term. It's certainly an interesting subject. Learning ways to retain and recall information is a developing skill and has always been a difficulty for me. I'm trying, now that I am an adult and needing it, to find the magic system. I'm getting better. Perhaps ongoing experience plays a large part.

Sorry to hear your shoulder is controller of your life and such a painful companion. Wish I could wish it better for you.

Oh my..that softness. We don't have to be strong, that doesn't mean we are weak.

I see myself as a translucent jelly pushed onto the edge of the plate, unappetizing to those who notice. Little do they know, I taste delishious!