I just hurt

@Historylover

Parents should tell their children that the reason they had them is to be their friend.

Tell them that you feel sad, tell them what you are telling us.

Then just ignore the ones you don't like and be friends with your children.

Children don't get to pick their parents bear in mind.

So just see what comes.

Also, please remember that people are not the things against them.

When you think of someone, they are not the things against them.

They are with here.

*hug*

Wishing you the best with life, course and new pdoc. @Historylover

Seems there are a lot of waiting lists.

I hope you can find a pdoc soon @Historylover I am sorry that you haven’t found one yet.

Sending love and support 💜

I'm feeling you.. I've spent 3 years trying to access support, and I think that time taught me that when the chips are down it really comes down to me. The docs just want to shove scripts at me and the therapists just want to 'listen' and are not allowed to help me plan any sort of phoenix moment because thats telling me what to do and they cant do that. I

'll tell you what I need to hear from someone else right now.. maybe it will help us both.

You have climbed some huge mountains.. mountains many others simply could not climb. In conquering those obstacles, you learned you were strong, stubborn and smart. Existing alone is tough and eventually it softens you.. to sit or stand alone looking out at the cruelty and unkind folk makes us look at our own contributions. We are human, so our contributions are crappy sometimes. When our hearts go soft, our first instinct is to think we are weak, unwell, or unworthy, because there is always someone out there reminding us to harden up, asking us if we need a tsp of concrete in our coffee. We know hard. Many times we have fallen hard, lived hard, studied hard, thought hard, worked out hard, stood hard, looked hard, ran hard, worked hard, even ate and drank hard.. and each time we rose again ready to fight the good fight.. hard. Maybe too many times? Seems the harder we became, the more determined they seemed to want to break us, pick or chip away at us, wear us away, drown us, rub us out until we were left sitting with ourselves, getting to know ourselves and harden up all over again.

What if they are wrong? What if the reason we can't get help is because we are not meant to? This is what I learned after 3 years of riding the 'professional carousel'.

I am me.. a human being trying to live a spiritual life.

I am me... lonely and very selective about who I call friends today, because I have learned that there are unkind people that I must judge if only for my own protection.

I am me.. a member of a family who exist with lots of different personalities and its ok not to be a friend to all of them.

I am me... a mother who welcomed some beautiful humans into the world and did my very best to raise them kind. They dont always think like me, or value the same things as me.. and thats ok. My gift to them is freedom.

I am me... soft.. sitting in my heart space.

As loving and lovable as the day I arrived in this world.

I don't need to be hard anymore. I've lived through more than my share of hardness. Im tired of toeing the hard line.

Soft is a nice space... its filled with newness and I dont want to bounce out of it anymore. Just because someone else suggests Im not ok.

I choose to care about what I care about...not what someone else tells me I should care about.

This is my life and there's not much to it really.. its a simple life I guess.. but its mine and to live it happily and with some sense of purpose.. I'm choosing to live it soft.

I'm going to stay right here, and hold on to this healing, happy, bright, loving space and do my best to share it.

Sending you love ❤️

Hi @Historylover I'm sorry it's so hard from so many angles.

I know that heavy. It sounds laindul to feel separated from Ur daughter, and it really sounds like a loss. It is hard to deal and cope with losses that challenge us so deeply.

Sending care, support, and sitting with u.

Thank you, @EternalFlower, for your kind words.

Hi @Historylover

Actually I was Dec and I had to change my identity for reasons I discussed with the moderators - the whole thing was done easily and I have kept my profile which I wanted to do - that was important for me

It seems to me that you don't feel as if you fit in anywhere and - oh boy! Your daughter sides with your dysfunctional family. That has to be a terrible grief - I am so sorry. Actually - I can't imagine what that feels like.

My daughter is friendly with my toxic siblings still she and I and my grand-daughter are on good terms -

Your family - I remember reading that success is forbidden in your family. I don't know how that would happen but I believe you. My mother never saw my success - she was critical of me big time until she lost the plot after Dad died - families - although they say blood is thicker than water it's a lot messier too.

Try and keep on with your studies as long as you can - it took me 12 years to do a four-year degree at university - work and my troubled son had to be part of my plan - I was 50 when I graduated. When my son died my studies kept me together. Financially I earned little but emotionally and socially - huge pluses - every day of my life has been better because of what I learned.

The psychology people are booked solid. I was triggered earlier this week and know I can't see a psychologist for ages - I spoke to Blue Knot about my mother and childhood trauma - I did have a very supportive network around me through my childhood - my father and my mother's mother - also my Dad's parents and his brothers. I don't have to talk to anyone else about my mother - I guess I am who I am in spite of and because of her. I am glad to say

I really hope you can get some help - you seem so alone

Sending my love

Owlunar

I've just received a message from another forumite on this thread, @Bionic, and found your very long and thoughtful response. Thank you for that, but you didn't tag me so I didn't get a message in my inbox that a reply to my post was waiting. I'm so sorry to have missed it when I was needing it so badly.

Yes, I am certainly alone because that is what my ex-psychiatrist did to me so that he could isolate me and keep me all to himself—total control. I had thought him my dearest friend, but it was all carrot and stick to keep me in his thrall. I was so much younger then and believed that doctors were there to help. They say revenge is a dish best served cold, and that was the dish he was most looking forward to. He has a serious hatred of women. I can see the signs clearly now, but he had blinded me by his apparent 'goodness' back then. I will never recover from this but I just try to make the most of my situation.

You are so right regarding the more you are able to take the more they inflict on you. The stress and pressure that was relentlessly inflicted on me when I wouldn't break eventually took its toll and I collapsed. My health will never fully recover from the severity of my physical breakdown. Anything emotional now causes my health to be impacted, even happiness! I can't take any more though, so isolation is something of a sanctuary. I am able to do as I choose, and I have a little control on what I am subjected to.

You're quite right, @Bionic. It is up to us. I wish you well. For me, my life and the betrayals I have been subjected to have taken their toll. I can only put one foot in front of the other for as long as I can endure. That's life for me and I haven't been able to change it. My battles with my memories take their toll too.

Sending all good wishes to you @Bionic and the hope for a brighter future. ❤️

I was delighted to see your screen pic back, @Owlunar, but I must say I miss the old name. I'll just have to adjust, I guess. I thought you had left and I'd been concerned. I thought of you often, especially when there were astronomical events for you to observe. So, you now have a telescope. Lucky you! What a lovely gift. That must be very exciting. Wish I could say "Please give me a look, give me a look, please!"

I've been reading some of your posts. You've had an eventful time. Good and bad, it seems. We just have to roll with the punches, as they say. I couldn't believe that it had only been 5 months. If it had read 12 months or more, I wouldn't have been surprised. Perhaps it is a sign that so much has happened that it seems unbelievable that it had all occurred in such a short time.

I read that you have had your 80th birthday? Time flies, doesn't it? I hope you had a nice occasion to celebrate the milestone.

No, @Owlunar, I don't fit in anywhere. My ex-psychiatrist has orchestrated it so. I won't explain. It's all too complicated. I guess my life got off to a bad start, and even when I thought it was changing, it had all been deception. I can't fix it.

My studies have been a reprieve and something to immerse myself in so that I can not only challenge myself, but attend to something I have always wanted to do. It has been a treat but I don't know how long I will continue. I am so very traumatised. Learning is so rewarding—if only it had all happened when it was supposed to happen, but life takes its own course. Better late than never, I guess.

Sending good wishes, @Owlunar, it's so nice to see you back. Among others, I often wonder about how Maggie is doing, too. I hope she's prospering in her absence.

Hi @Historylover

I know enough of your history to know that psychiatrist did you an ill deed and why some people have the mind-set to do things like is totally beyond me. I really feel for you.

My uncle died in April - and I stopped posting then. He wasn't much older than me and he was always in my life and through the troubled years my parents couldn't deal with things - my uncle and aunt were always there for me and I would go to Hobart whenever I could and they would visit me in Melbourne. They treated me like the daughter they never had and were supportive - and I could say so much more. They were wonderful people and having them died a few weeks apart really was devastating. I couldn't attend my aunt's funeral - we Melbournites were unwelcome in Tassie because of the Omicron thing - however - I had booked my itinerary to Hobart to visit my uncle and I arrived in time for the funeral. That made such a huge difference

I have yet to have my 80th birthday - that is in a few months' time - I am sure my daughter will want to arrange something if she has time to recover from her spinal fusion. She has been referred to a Pain Clinic - the same one I attend actually - with a different doctor though - so I will wait and see. Depending on what does happen I am thinking of flying to the Sunshine Coast in the middle of winter - just after my birthday. My grand-daughter and her partner live there.

I really wish I could go to Canada to visit my cousins - that might be a future event -

Life does take it's own course - as John Lennon said "Life is what happens to us when we are busy making other plans" - so true. I graduated when I was 50 - that was a fantastic year actually - life can change and sometimes it can be brilliant. I wish you the best with that and yeah - sometimes I had to take a step back and it's wasn't straightforward at all but the idea was to keep plugging away at it.

Such life experiences can help us grow resilience. My extended family and my father - had a positive effect on my life - so I had a good start. When I was a teenager a girl having Year Ten was considered well educated - I didn't agree - I went to night school when I was 17 and life went on as it always does - did my HSC when the kids were in school and I do not regret my past - whatever it was - my life has been worth living.

It is good to be back - there are always time when we need to sort things out - I found this time helpful. I realised that writing here was a big part of my life and when the time was right I came back

I am sorry you had a rough start with a toxic family - my siblings are not people I want to know - I don't have anything to do with them. It's better this way. I know enough though to know you really hurt,

Thanks HistoryLover

Owlunar