Living with harm ocd

@Mummaoats

I can really relate to the way you describe intrusive thoughts as "flashes". It is very much how experience them.

Good to see @tyme @Captain24 @BPDSurvivor all responding to you.

My first suicidal ideation was when I was pregnant and I was so worried I had hurt my child by thinking it. Life can be tricky as a mum dealing with that kind of stuff.

@Mummaoats I hadn’t heard of him OCD before but I definitely get these flashes of thought - sometimes harming myself or others. I had a lot of childhood sexual traumas and one of the thoughts that I get that is most distressing to me is thoughts of doing the same thing to a child. It sends me into a downward spiral and I hate myself and am disgusted that my brain could ever even go there because I know logically I would never do it. But if I hold on to the thought it just goes around and around.
I spoke with my psychologist about it - like what’s wrong with me that I have these thoughts. He helped me normalise thoughts from actions and he sent me this about ego dystonic intrusive thoughts, he sent it to one give me a laugh after a very heavy session on this topic but also to show it’s very common in people - mine just have a theme brought about by past trauma.
Hope it gives you a chuckle and know that you aren’t alone - these thoughts are actually pretty normal - ours just have a very twisted bent.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/u5-e6Ga9k1w

Sorry link didn’t work

https://youtube.com/shorts/ORNaCIgQzU0?feature=share

@BPDSurvivor its definitely a need to know type of thing. ive had experiences where people have put me in the same box as parents who have actually harmed their children, simply because they are too ignorant to understand that harm ocd is completely different to actually having thoughts of filicide. I do not make plans or have any desire to harm myself, nor my child. i just have a dodgy brain which likes to taunt me with my biggest fears.

The complex thing about harm ocd is its not so much just treating the thought as thoughts, its making sure that i am not falling into the compulsions, which allow the cycle to continue. even just telling myself that its just a thought can become a ritual/compulsion. i have to constantly 'check myself'. this is harder during autistic burnout, when i am on autopilot and dont have a lot to give. its much easier when i am doing well and can just get on with my day while all the thoughts are just swirling around in my head.

this year i am FINALLY getting the correct accommodations for my needs, which will hopefully allow me to avoid burnout. i have a support worker coming everyday, a cleaner coming weekly and i am putting myself first. a lot of my negative thought patterns are to do with trauma so i am tackling areas i have been avoiding.

i apologise for the delay in responding to this thread. its probably not something i will consistently be able to participate in, simply because i dont always have the spoons. But i really appreciate the interactions with my post, so thank you to you all.

hey @Blue8 thank you so much for sharing. I too was sexually abused as a child and have had thoughts which involve doing the same. its so messed up how i brain works sometimes. my therapist has explained that my thoughts of harming my child actually stem from my fear of losing him. his dad died when he was a baby, and then when he was 3, we went on a cruise, where he managed to climb through the railings and almost went overboard. needless to say i am traumatised and my greatest fear is that something will happen to my son. so, my brain likes to exploit that fear and turn it dark, very dark.

I really appreciate you sending that link. i enjoy that creators content. its child's play compared to some of my intrusive thoughts, but its also nice to see someone trying to normalise intrusive thoughts.

@Appleblossom that must have been very scary to have those thoughts while you were pregnant.

the flashes i experience are very real in the moment, and actually the first time i experienced it, i was so afraid that i rang 000. i took myself as far away from my son as i could because i was afraid that i would actually hurt him. this was back in 2021, and thankfully i was connected to a psychiatrist and a therapy team who explained to me that the very fact that i put distance between myself and my child, and called 000, was proof that my only concern was to protect my child and not to harm him. understanding this has been a huge help.

Glad they recognised that you cared for your child. @Mummaoats Of course you do.

So did I. I took the family to Family therapy and been putting myself through hoops ever since. have not talked about it much on here. The "thoughts came out of the blue in way, in that I was very busy and active, but there were 3 suicides in my social world and I had often been asked to give support to people who were suicidal. A lot of people are afraid they will not be adequate in parenting their children.

Take care of you as well your little one.