Quitting work and feeling like a failure - SOS? TW suicidal ideation

Hey all. Two things on my mind I desperately need to get off it. I’ll start with the shortest - and most random.

1. My OCD has convinced me the bubble tea I’m drinking has been poisoned and now I’m struggling to get it down. Any advice on calming my mind down - and also continuing to drink the drink?

2. I quit my job last week due to both mental and physical health (GAD/OCD/CPTSD, IBS and endometriosis - yippee) and just went to collect my things and return my uniform. They’ve been absolutely lovely about it, but I feel like a total failure. I’m in my mid 20s. We have paid the rent only through the sheer grace of God and generosity of husband’s parents. No savings because of my health and a number of other unfortunate circumstances. So embarrassing. I have a fear of being a dole bludger because in my family work is important and there’s a lot of honour in working… but I can’t. I’m not well enough. Seriously - I can barely push through the physical pain, constant anxiety and exhaustion to go and do things I enjoy. I’m trying to find work that I can do part time and from home, and I AM focused on building my editing skills (I have a degree in Media & Comms), but I’m so scared I’ll let my dad down. He’s always supportive but I know I’ll get the “this is all in your head, you are capable and you just need to believe you’re capable” speech (context: don’t come for my dad, he’s literally the most wonderful and supportive dad but he worries about me and wants me taken care of and independent). I’m slowly learning to be independent and have my boundaries. I still haven’t told him I quit - and I tell him everything. Other people my age are buying houses and having babies. And I’d love a baby - so, so much. But damn - with our current financial situation I’d be out of my mind. I’m trying - despite my circumstances - to be responsible, sensible and prudent. Social media is a nightmare so I don’t go on it otherwise I don’t sleep cause I just compare myself and then feel like a failure and then feel suicidal.

My husband has been really supportive but of course finance is hard as we’re both pursuing film and media, and if you’ve been there you’ll know getting government assistance is a pain in the neck. Oh gosh. Cost of living does not help. I need to eat good food due to my health, and yet I stand at the check out with groceries praying to God payment goes through.

Anyone else out there in a similar position? How have you detached your identity from being tied to work? How did you get out of a financial disaster with all this? I can’t see myself doing a full time office job. I just can’t. But it’s going to be a financial headache until at least one of us can get regular work in post production.

As a preface: I am SAFE, I have no active plan, I have a psychologist, use lifeline and my husband looks after me so I’m never really alone - but I do feel suicidal sometimes because of the weight of it all. It feels like there’s no way out that’s not going to demand of me what I can’t give. Again - I’m safe and I reach out for help when I need it. Just needed to get it off my chest.

Thanks

GraceUponGrace x