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Hey, I don't really know how to put to words exactly how I am feeling. So I am going to try my best here and hope that someone understands or can follow where I am going.<br><br>I started DBT, three almost four weeks ago. Which in itself is a challenge. As it's a new environment, having to open up and share and a commitment to turn up two days a week. Also since starting the program, I haven't self harmed. Not because the urges aren't there or the lack of wanting to. I am just so exhausted mentally and physically after group that I don't have the strength to do anything but sleep. Before I started DBT, I was regularly self harming at intervals of every second day for almost two weeks straight. <br><br>Even though I am trying to participate in my group program, I can't seem to name it even shake this feeling. I feel low, want to self harm constantly, yet I don't at the same time. Sometimes I feel like I am not even real. Like life is going on around me and I am stuck.<br><br> I have even tried carrying my survival pack again to see if that provides a comfort. It sounds odd or strange to carry something that could also be so triggering, but in the past I have found it helpful. To know I have one close rather than the constant planning of where to get one.<br><br>I'm not sure if that really explains anything. But I'm hoping someone can relate or something.<br>
I did the same thing as you .. carry around substance without using it, or SH item, at times when I was very distressed but also trying to master the urges to self harm. It helped me develop a dialogue with my urge as just a feeling, a part, but not all of me. Sometimes if I bumped it accidentally .. I realised my mind had been focussed elsewhere on positive things and I didnt want to run off and do it .. I could then focus on those past thoughts and feelings as past .. and not current .. it stopped me being overwhelmed and totally in the sh feelings. Dont know if that makes sense. Then it actually did give me comfort .. in that "I've got you in my pocket" and "I am in control and not doing it".
Good Luck @Mimm
In response to: Feel like I'm not real
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Feel like I'm not real
Hi @Mimm. Just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing this week.
In response to: Feel like I'm not real
MimmSenior Contributor
Re: Feel like I'm not real
Hey @utopia, How are you? Thanks for taking the time to check in. I have managed to make it through the weekend without any SH. However I am still having difficulty trying to work out how I am feeling. So I guess one word is overwhelmed. Tomorrow is DBT again, and I start art therapy hopefully this Friday. As last week I didn't manage to make it.
In response to: Re: Feel like I'm not real
Unknown userMember
Re: Feel like I'm not real
Hi @Mimm. I just read this discussion. I can relate so much to some of what you are going through. I have SH stuff I used to carry everywhere with me. I have given most my things up to my therapist and psychiatrist in the last few months but still keep restocking. However I'm not using it and have pretty much got through since February. I think that it will get easier as @Appleblossom says. She was the first person who helped me understand I wasn't alone with this and that helped me greatly. I hope you find some comfort knowing I have had similar experiences.
I found DBT so harrowing when I did it. It's so confronting sharing in a group so please know your not the only one. Also it was 18 months ago that I did DBT. I missed many sessions and walked out of a few but did learn some things and understood myself better. I now feel ready to give it another go and want to try again as I think it will help me. I have my name down to do it but it will take 6months or more due to the waiting list. I just wanted you not to put lots of pressure on yourself over it as I know I did.
Best of luck with art therapy. I really want to do that to but it clashes with my therapy appointments which I can't change. Take care @Mimm😊💕
In response to: Feel like I'm not real
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Feel like I'm not real
@Mimm. Well done for making it through the weekend without self harming. Can you find a way to celebrate that achievement? A bubble bath, take away meal, playing your favorite music, eating chocolate. I think it's important to celebrate each milestone you achieve. It helps to train the brain to focus on the positives. Are you able to just be okay with not knowing how you are feeling? Sometimes I find the harder I look at an issue - the more confused I become & then the more anxious I get. If I focus on something else for a while - sometimes I can then look back at the issue & it's easier for me to work through. It's not always easy to try and focus on something else - but it's worth a try. Melbourne Cup day tomorrow - so I'll be going to my mums for lunch.
In response to: Feel like I'm not real
MimmSenior Contributor
Re: Feel like I'm not real
@utopia, Hey. Your suggestion about trying to be okay with not knowing how I feel. It was like a little switch flicked. I haven't thought about it that way, probably due to people constantly asking how I am... which constantly led me to the loop hole of confusion. As I do not like to ever register feelings. In regards to rewarding myself, this is something I find difficult - however I did go trick or treating with my 6 year old nephew tonight. I had originally planned to cancel and stay home. I hope you have a great day tomorrow at lunch with your mother. Talk soon.
In response to: Feel like I'm not real
MimmSenior Contributor
Re: Feel like I'm not real
@Former-Member, Thanks for writing and being able to relate. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who carries things. And when other people learn this, they are not always so understanding. Yeah, DBT is intense, I haven't been going long - this will be week 5. So I keep trying to remind myself to not be hard on myself. Easier said than done when it's check in and you have to share you have had a crap week and the rest of the group are all having a good one. Nothing against them, I appreciate each of them. It just makes it hard at times or I feel guilty for sharing my bad week after they have just shared how great they are going. Stupid I know.
Thanks for the warm wishes, I do hope you get into DBT sooner than 6 months and hopefully things are going good for you??
In response to: Feel like I'm not real
Unknown userMember
Re: Feel like I'm not real
I think it's great you are going to DBT @Mimm. It seems unfortunate that you're in a group where everyone seems to be going ok. When I did it my group were all struggling a lot too and it did help me to realise it wasn't just me. I now regret that I didn't go to more sessions of DBT. I am also doing schematic therapy with my therapist which has helped the most of anything for me so far. Dont ever feel guilty for being you. You are trying so hard to change, it takes so much time. I'm ok. I just had a few days in hospital and feel better about life again now. I just started a fitness class today at the community mental health centre which went ok.
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