TW: looming end of a sad story

I’ve been keeping myself busy with work but everything has to come to an end which I finish my shift at 4.30am., just don’t know what I’ll do when I get home… I can force myself to sleep by taking a pill or two which isnt the recommended dose but it’s necesssary or else I won’t cope thru out the day… i wish things are better but unfortunately it’s not… I’m tired from work now and will be exhausted by the end of shift… hopefully I get thru today without a hitch but then if my impulsivity gets the best of me then that’s it for me… I will try to use the tools to keep myself safe… but when these voices won’t stop then I might not be able to stop myself from doing anything to either hurt myself or end these suffering right then and there… I really don’t know what to do nor how to get myself out of this rut I’m in atm… I’m stuck in this vicious cycle I think.,

It's hell, I know, @KindHeartedSoul. Even just now I was looking into finding a(nother) psychiatrist to help me unload this distress and injustice; lies told about me that are not only terrible, they were told by family members. It's a heavy load and I need to lighten it a bit, but I make lists of psychiatrists, research them to see if I might be able to work with them, then set the list aside again because I know they won't help me. I'm so tired of all of this suffering and I know how you feel. But you have your children @KindHeartedSoul, mine have been poisoned against me. You have to find a way to better your lives. Have you looked into alternative accommodation, services to help with your children, etc? Probably futile? What on earth are people supposed to do? Life truly seems to be 'survival of the fittest' and I seem to place a different interpretation on that than others do. Others seem to think it means that you obliterate your fellow man/woman by any foul means in order to further your own interests. Take care, @KindHeartedSoul, I think being kind hearted is a burden when others are out to further themselves by any means.

Hi @KindHeartedSoul,

I've been off this forum for awhile too myself. It feels good to connect again and let our voices be heard. Something that took my eye after reading your post, was your name.. KindHeartedSoul, that just shows me there that you area good human and someone this world needs.

What are some of your coping strategies that you know have helped you in the past? music? nature? fresh air? sleep?

it's so hard when you feel stuck and intop of that can't reach out for certain reasons.

I hope your doing ok. I see this post was a couple of days ago

I can’t really help myself from doing things that are destructive… Again I didnt stop and think instead I just went ahead with doing something that would hurt myself but my intention was to just finish what I sort off started last Wednesday… I feel so alone with no one to turn to except to vent here in the forum… I apologise if I would trigger anyone whilst reading this and I wish I was in a somewhat good place but that’s not the case… I’m falling deeper and deeper into this rabbit hole I’m in and I just don’t know where to turn to without making things worse… I truly believe that everyone just wants me dead and so if that’s what they want maybe that’s what I should do… the voices had been making good points as to why I should, I am trying my hardest and the bestest to stay safe but it’ll be challenging… im getting ready for work soon and am afraid that when my shift ends, I’ll end up hurting myself… the urge has been stronger specially now where in just a few days will be the day I face court for a public mischief case… the urge to self harm has been in my mind these past few days, I don’t know how to get over the urge safely.. can anyone suggest anything I could possibly do that would hopefully help me thru this… I’m lost and confused as to what I need to be doing.,

Hey @KindHeartedSoul ,

Thanks for letting us know you are safe for now. We were worried about your safety.

Please know that you are not alone in this. There are others on the forums who have felt something similar to you. I hope you will be able to connect with others and share your experiences as a way of engendering hope to each other.

There IS recovery. There IS hope.

However, at any time, if you feel unsafe, it is important to contact supports such as:

- Lifeline on 13 11 14

- Beyondblue on 1300 224 636

- Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467

Or if in immediate danger 000.

You ARE worthy. You DO belong. You are not alone.

Thanks @tyme! it’s somewhat reassuring what you have said. Coz of what happened to me the last time emergency services was called I feel like I can’t reach out to anyone most specially when there’s a high probability of them getting called to do a welfare check.. as previously said, if in anything that would trigger them to do one it might take things worse for me… I just don’t know where to turn to at this point without making things worse… so yes I am alone in this and yes everyone does want me dead… don’t know how to help myself right now when my mind and voices are adamant that the only way out is just do it and never hold back! Wherever I go I have all I need to make it happen can’t get myself to take it out of my bag coz it’s partially what I wanted to do anyways. In saying that, 80% of me want a way out now and the 20% is still holding onto hope that it’ll get better. But that is diminishing as we speak… I need to talk to someone about this aren’t I? But who? I don’t I can contact a third party NGO as it will make things worse then if I call the MH or the ACT they won’t do right by me as they’re from my local hospital which has a different idea as to how to respond to my distress…so where do I go? It’s so easy to just quit now and let it be…

Hearing you @KindHeartedSoul . Enjoy your time at work, and I hope to chat with you later.

Please take care.

Just finished work, getting changed in my plainclothes and will be on my way home. My anxiety is upto the roof! Just don’t know what to do., brain is in hyper mode, running million thoughts per minute… I need to somehow relieve this uncomfortable feeling!!!! Only way I can is by taking my medication that will make me drowsy and just let me sleep as soon as I get home! I just wouldn’t know if it’ll kick in on the way home, or by the time I get home… the later part is what I aim to achieve but it’ll all depends on how my body will react to the meds as it’s always different… God help me., why does life have to be this crappy and hard? I wish this will all end already, I’m really exhausted from battling these same inner demons, same problem, same voices and same urges day in and day out!!! I just want it all to stop so I can be at peace and am able to rest peacefully… my plan will make that happen without a doubt., so should I put it in place and never look back?

Hey @KindHeartedSoul it sounds like a horrendously tough time for you at the moment, we are here with you and care so deeply about you and your safety ❤️❤️ for others passing by, as always, we have been checking in via email 🌻

Can anyone help me please? How can I make this stop? What do I need to do and can anyone tell me something that will make the pain go away? I can’t handle it anymore., Im at my wits end now? I really need some relief from all these., Im giving it one last go or else I’ll jump over the line where I can never come back from!!! I know this forum is not a crisis thing but it’s my only chance… the line has been drawn and I’m afraid that once I cross over that’s the end of me.. help me save this 1% in me…