Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Struggling with supporting husband

KitesNew Contributor12 Jan 2023, 11:08 pm AEDT

Struggling with supporting husband

Hi everyone, first time user on the forum.. I actually found it while I was googling what to do, so this is very handy!

My husband has been diagnosed with PTSD and MDD and is now in a major transition period of being medically retired from his job. Over the last six months, he’s been admitted to a mental health facility three times - the most recent being over the Christmas period. We’ve never directly spoken about this but I believe he has suicidal ideations, which is how he came about being admitted the first time.

a few days before his most recent admission, we had to unexpectedly put our dog to sleep after a freak incident. We don’t have any children and so the dog was basically our child, as well as my husbands support dog, so it’s been a major adjustment for us.

My husband is the most stressed about our finances as he’s unsure at this point in time whether he’ll be financially taken care of with his job. I think it will be ok, I mean I know we won’t know for sure until it actually happens but most ppl involved in the process have indicated that they can’t see why he wouldn’t receive financial support.
At worst, we’d still be ok. We can sell our house, move back interstate and stay with my parents. All not ideal scenarios but we have options.

tonight I got home from work and he was super stressed, and I tried to reassure him but he just shuts down and goes quiet.
I’m not sure how I should be responding/am I even doing the right thing in the first place?

it’s so hard to support someone with such severe mental health issues. I’m either constantly worried that I’ll say the wrong thing - will it be a situation of the straw that broke the camels back?
At the same time, it’s completely draining.. I get home from work and then I feel like I have to be so upbeat and positive around him.. not to mention, I don’t remember the last time he asked me how my day was. It’s just a very different relationship to what I imagine most other ppl have and sometimes it’s all a bit too much and I find myself going between being resentful but then feeling guilty because he can’t help it.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has advice or tips they can share on how best to support him over the next couple of months until his work stuff is finalised?
I’m absolutely not expecting his mental health to change, but I think (and hope!!) that things will improve a little bit once this particular stressor is dealt with.

thanks in advance

2 replies

1 - 2 of 2

In response to: Struggling with supporting husband

FloatingFeatherSenior Contributor13 Jan 2023, 4:17 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling with supporting husband

Hi @Kites,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

It sounds like you and your husband are going through quite a bit at a moment - my heart goes out to both of you. As someone that has a close family that has a serious mental health issue (diagnosed about 20 years ago) I can understand somewhat how you may be feeling. Before my family member was diagnosed he was in a very dark place and it was a very confusing time for all of us. Through the help of professional supports and therapy overtime things have steadily improved. I do understand the confusion and helplessness you must feel around knowing what to do. It is very hard when someone you love is going through something like this and you don't know what to do and/or they won't communicate with you around how they really feel/what is going on with them.

I also want to acknowledge the loss of your beloved dog. As a dog lover myself who has experienced such a loss I understand the pain that comes with it, particularly if it was as a result of a freak incident.

It sounds like a lot of change has happened over a short period that may be impacting your husband's feelings, thinking and emotions. It also sounds like you both have had a lot of stressors going on.

Your feelings around being drained from constantly supporting him, not knowing whether you will say the wrong thing or not, being resentful etc are all very reasonable, understandable and relatable feelings. What you describe makes absolute sense to me and I would encourage you to get some support for yourself. What a lot of people that care for another person going through something very difficult (such as an illness, mental health issue, etc) often forget is the very important and valid need to take care of themselves too. Whilst being a carer is very important the carer also needs to be cared for too. At the end of the day all of us can only do so much, be so much, help so much etc.

I will attach a few links around being a carer that may be of some use for you:

I hope that your husband finds the professional support and help he needs. From my experience once that is in place and the suitable supports that he needs are identified things start to be less intense for carers (it's also nice to be able to share the load with others around helping our loved ones).

I wish you both all the best.

Warm regards,

FloatingFeather

In response to: Struggling with supporting husband

wellwellwellnezSenior Contributor13 Jan 2023, 4:55 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling with supporting husband

Hi @Kites . Thanks for reaching out. I found your message heart warming. Caring is a special thing and it can also pose special challenges. There's one particular concept that's big in this forum. It's also helped me a bunch. I think I can see the same principles forming in parts of your message. It's called "recovery philosophy".

Others write on it better than me, but my gist is the two main thoughts are.

1. Recovery is possible.

Trying to be "cured" is too much of an absolute. However, recovery can happen in so many ways.

2. Recovery is best driven by the ones doing the recovery.

We are the REAL health system. The more recovering people can claim that, the better for all systems involved.

1 - 2 of 2