grief

Seems they just don't get it.

Sometimes when people don't understand things, they blame the thing they don't understand.

Though, just because they don't get it doesn't mean they won't get it. It just means they don't get it right now.

You have a fun name @averagecrow . Now I'm asking myself , what even makes a crow average? What crow measurement is being averaged?

Hi @averagecrow,

I just finished reading your post and as a mum of adult children and a person that also has a mum that can be quite emotionally manipulative I really feel for you. It sounds like you have had a lot going on over the years and you have done a lot of self reflection and self discovery. As someone a bit older than you what life has taught me about family is no matter how much we want them to be a certain way they are who they are. I also wanted an understanding and nurturing mother but I started to see my mum wasn't equipped to be that person (I think she tried to be but somehow it always went back to how she was feeling). In fact the way you describe your mum is a lot like my own mum. I now see my mum (the good and bad parts) for who she really is instead of who I wanted her to be. I also realised that as an adult I had choices that I didn't have as a child. Choices to leave, to walk away, to put up boundaries etc. My mother also doesn't always respect my boundaries to this day. When this happens I remove my self from the situation.

As you said walking away from family can definitely bring up feelings of grief. Grief doesn't always have to be related to death. Grief can be due to job loss, relationship breakdown, loss of identity etc. Sometimes for your own wellbeing it is good to walk away from what is causing you so much distress, even if it is just for a few months. It can be good to give yourself time and space to really reflect on things, what you want, how you want to move forward etc. I took a break from my mum a few years ago because the situation was toxic and I wasn't copping. It wasn't easy and I thought about my mum often over the time but I think it was the best thing I could have done. Things are okay with my mum now and she is more respectful of my feelings and opinions but things still can come to a head sometimes. When they do I just stay away for her for a couple of weeks.

It does sound like you have some good friends and are very protective and caring which is great. It also sounds like you have a good therapist. Keep reaching out to those that have your best interest at heart and have a good understanding of your family dynamic. As much as you should be respectful and kind to your family they also have a duty to be respectful and kind to you. Family like any other relationship is a two way street. This is not your fault.

I wish you all the best. We are always here if you want to chat.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

Hey @averagecrow

Navigating leaving home and independent living can be a tricky process. One transition in the overall life journey. Christmas often triggers all the complexities of over idealism and present day realities, including expectations of others and expectations of ourselves. Often money matters can be a bottom line in managing life tasks.

There used to be an old book called My Mother/Myself which was popular. You would probably find it a bit dated, but the mother child relationship is very interweaving and it makes sense you would feel grief. Sharing a bedroom as an adult with your mum would be very hard indeed. Though I wonder when you can get a bit of distance on it all, if you could also see it as an enmeshed situation due to socioeconomic circumstances. Sounds as if your family also cares for you as well as your friends. It should not be a B&W thing; only friends or only family ... finding that balance.

Ps. I left home at 16 and lived beyond the binary a little. I never could talk to my mother about anything regarding gender or sexuality til she died. Dealing with queer issues and traditional expectations is not easy.

Try and unpack both your vulnerabilities without over blaming her or you. Its a delicate dance of intimacy and life. I hope you manage to find a good path through it all.

Hey @averagecrow

Thank you for sharing what you went through, that sounds incredibly challenging and I hope that you are getting the support that you need during this time.

I just want to acknowledge what a brave move this was, and how rewarding this will be in the long run for you. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our family, and oftentimes we let a lot of their behaviour go amiss because we think that they are our family and that we need to be close with them no matter what. It took me a long time to realise that you have to look at your family through the same eyes that you view other people in the world. You can choose your proximity to them in a lot of situations, and although it may be incredibly hurtful, you did the right thing for you. It is also lovely to hear that your friend has been so supportive and grounding of this decision, they sound like a great person to have in your life.

Are you currently speaking to someone professionally about what you are experiencing, or do you have a support system that you can speak to? Where are you currently living? I hope that you are safe.

Sending virtual hugs,

Amber22

Thanks for your reply @FloatingFeather

Its a hard reality to face that my family are who they are and will never be what I wish they were. Thats where my feelings of grief come from a lot, to be honest; my fantasy of what my family could be like is not real.

I dont hate my mum or anything, and I know she has been through a lot in her life and has a lot of struggles. I know she loves me, and I do love her, but I think we just can't live together anymore, especially in the living situation we were in which would be hard for anyone even if they had a good relationship with their parents.

I definitely think this is the right move for me, even though it brings up a lot of difficult emotions. Right now, I know I need peace, space and to focus on myself and my life.

Im really glad your relationship with your mum has improved and that you maintain your boundaries with her! I'm hoping me and my mum can get there too one day.

Again thank you for your reply ❤️

Thank you for your reply @Appleblossom !

I do recognise that the socioeconomic situation we are in has been a major factor in the breakdown of our relationship and that after some space and time I think our relationship will improve.

I can see why my post reads as very b&w as my emotions are high at the moment as its all very fresh, but my feelings towards my mum are very complicated. I know she is a good person with a good heart, and that she's just been through a lot of trauma that manifests itself in ways that hurt me. She's done a lot for me and I know she loves me and I do love her. I just don't think we can live together anymore or be in each other's company for an extended period of time.

I will definitely be working through all these feelings so that I'm not over blaming her or me, and that I can let go of my hurt and resentment.

Good to hear from you @averagecrow

Understand the need for space, especially when you were both crammed in.

Hope you get some and work your way through all the mess of life.

I also identify as autistic so just wanted to say hello.

Good Luck with it all.

@averagecrow

Family is different to friends.

Family is there as a safety net. That's why they are together. Even though they don't always like each other they still stay together.

I know you want to stay sincere and pure. But this is what families do, stay together even when they might not like each other.

I'm not that close to my family because of it. And it does make life a bit harder.

But just so you know.

Hi @averagecrow ,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you.

From experience, I cut ties with family at a certain point because I needed space to find myself. I needed to mentally recover, and family was a hinderance.

Ideally, as @David_888 mentioned, family stay together. Yet I also recognise there are times when individuals need space. Hence, 'staying together' is not always the most helpful scenario.

Doesn't even nature tell us that? There are many animals in nature whereby once they are of age, they leave their family once and for all.

I do not believe there is a definitely yes or no regarding whether one should stick with their family.

All circumstances need to be taken into consideration.

Hope this helps balance the views out a bit.

Kindest, tyme