maddisonSenior Contributor
Survival Mode
Hello & Welcome Everyone,
The focus of this thread will be Domestic Violence & Family Violence.
The intention is to create a safe space for survivors & victims of Domestic Violence to share & connect with other members.
These are scary phrases. If you don't feel like your story fits the description of 'violence or abuse' & would like to contribute regardless - everyone is welcome.
My Story
I am at the beginning of my story. I know I am being mistreated, abused & I normalise it. I tell myself that the world is a violent place & abuse cannot be avoided. I tell myself, he has a severe mental illness & is not aware of his actions. I tell myself I can control the outcome because my mind is stable. I tell myself it's not all the time. I tell myself I don't have the power or resources to change anything. I tell myself about the love we share. That bit is by far the hardest. Incomprehensible.
The years, & lifetime I spent lying to myself -as a beautiful member recently explained to me - that is me living within survival mode.
It will take time to undo this lifetime. I need to start all over again.
I find that I don't have trust in myself - how could I trust a mind that has been able to lie so convincingly. I need to trust myself & understand my mind was protecting me.
For me, the dominant emotion I am feeling is shame. I never wanted to see myself as a person who would accept abuse. I feel ashamed of how the world must perceive me. Intellectually, I understand that I don't have anything to be ashamed of. I don't know why there is so much shame attached to the realisation of being abused. Maybe, I blame myself because deep down I knew what was happening & let it continue. I let myself believe my lies. I am scared that the world sees me as a person who is deceptive.
Below, I have copied & pasted a few tips from Google. I feel very out of my depth discussing these topics & supporting other people.
For anyone who would like to contribute, I'm using these below statements as a general guideline - please read & understand before responding to a member - also PLEASE offer any advice /suggestions. THANKYOU
Lastly, I am not going to tag anyone is this thread - except for one member, whom gave me their permission. I don't want to trigger anyone. I want anyone who feels like they have anything to express or share to feel supported, heard, understood, safe, loved. *Perhaps we should avoid offering advice if a story is shared. Only support & thankyou for sharing, or similar.
9 Things Not To Say To A Survivor Of Domestic Abuse
- Why Didn’t You Leave The First Time They Hit You?
- What Did You Do To Make Him Hit You
- He Must Have Been Drunk When He Hit You
- Really — I Can’t Believe He Did That — It Seems Unlike Him
- There Are Two Sides To Every Story
- But Everybody Fights In A Relationship
- Nobody Can Treat Me Like That
- Why Did You Let Him Get Away With It?
- I Know What You Went Through I’ve Dated Real jerks Before, too
- It’s Time To Stop Dwelling On It.
Things To Say
- Thank you for sharing.”
- “You are not to blame for what happened to you.”
- “You didn't deserve what happened to you.”
- “I'm sorry this happened to you.”
- “You are not what was done to you.”
- “That was abuse, not healthy sexuality.”
- “I support you in your healing process.
- Ask them if they are okay
- Listen
- Let them know about Safe Steps and other services
- Offer practical assistance and emotional support
- Encourage her to talk to someone who can help. ...
- If she decides to stay, continue to be supportive
- Don’t criticise or blame
- Don’t pressure them to leave
- Don’t tell them what to do
- Don’t give up on them
If you are in immediate danger, call 000 for Police and Ambulance help if you are in immediate danger.
1800RESPECT
1800 737 732
This is a 24-hour national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line for any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault.
@Ashby
