BPD

Hi @Jessicaa11 ,

Welcome to the forums and good on you for teaching out!

Let’s just say what you are saying definitely resonates with me. Yet I can say you seem to have a lot more awareness of where you are and what is happening than what I did for a long time.

Your post was very grounded. For me, I was so wrapped up in my immature, emotional self that I really couldn’t think straight.

I ended up going through intensive Mentalisation Based Therapy which lasted nearly 2 years. I can’t pinpoint the changing factor, but I know it did make a huge difference in my recovery. It seems like I was taught to socialise and allow my emotional child to grow up. Eventually, things shifted for me when I was in my mid 30s.

There is hope @Jessicaa11 . You can recover from BPD. I’ve been there.

Throe yourself into trying new things outside your comfort zone so that your brain will hopefully pick up more helpful ways of coping with emotional pain.

My BPD journey has been totally worth it. It’s taught me more about myself and about my place in this world.

Feel free to visit Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

Hope to speak soon.

Thank you for your response. It really means a lot. I value all who speak to me from a place of authenticity. I read your response a number of times but could not think of what I wanted to share, but it left me wondering many a time of day, just who I’ll be at 30.

Hopefully free.

Again, I’ve found myself in another interpersonal pickle brought on emotional immaturity and the self destructive urges that I possess, led by impulse. I’ve been so run off schedule it’s caused distraction from my adult responsibilities (yet again, whoop de doo me - it’s literally like fighting a toddler in my brain for control of the steering wheel. Some weeks you have it more together and can conquer all your goals with that special ability to hyper-focus on your weekly routine, other weeks the slightest perceived abandonment from say a significant other, can have you spiralling back into this dichotomous victim who’s life’s mission is to destroy their only nemesis (which in my case is myself) and that goes exactly against what my heart wants! It’s like heart, brain and body cannot seem to align.

Therapy helps, Mindfulness helps, Meditation helps, Well rounded diet, Regular exercise, scheduled alone time, nature of some sorts, regular wake sleep cycles, a grounding sense of purpose, a sense of faith, Yoga, stretching, self help books, journaling, mood diary, crisis hotline phone calls, full time work, creative pursuits, family time and friends. The thing I can’t do is slow down, think and ACT. Especially when it can benefit me most to imagine the stop sign, absorb the others concern about you - Not perceive it as criticism and completely shutdown. I can’t relax when I know should, too hyperactive for my own good. I experience burn out a lot. Parenting your inner child is hard work, I have a photo of me when i’m like two or three that I keep on a bookshelf near my bed. I’ve done exercises to write out all of the mean things i’ve ever been said. I know i’ll grieve the loss of childhood in therapy every week. I know it’s not hopeless. I carry in my wallet a photo of my daughter, her father and my first breastfeed. It pains me a lot that I hurt them this way by never learning how to love myself. Some things we humans like to do is lie to ourselves, all I can know is these brain distortions are powerful. Only combat I’ve found is developing radical acceptance and self belief.

It’s a bad day, not a bad life. You give me hope on a hopeless night, a familiar friend to let out a vent with no judgement or forced advice.

Thank you and bless.

Thank you for sharing @Jessicaa11 .

It takes a lot of courage to accept what is happening, and even more courage to enact change.

Change can be scary - just like growing up can be scary.

I encourage you to continue reaching out.

I really appreciated you mentioning that today is a bad day - not a bad life.

Please take care and I hope to hear from you soon,

tyme

Thank you @tyme,

Really does mean a lot. I’ve isolated myself so much that the only real friendships or what feels like friendships are responses to me on online forums or social media groups.

I’ve just started DBT solo sessions and when the time is right for me I will do group.

I’m really really excited and hopeful and just need to share it with someone! I’ve had days and days worth of lows since I posted this post, I’m sabotaging my most valued interpersonal relationships and I’m ready to face that childhood, face that trauma and stop the generational trauma with me.