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Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

KermitSenior Contributor28 Dec 2022, 7:14 am AEDT

Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

Hi all,

My Christmases with family are getting progressively more stressful each year.

I'm now 46. I feel my bipolar (diagnosed 16) and being autistic (diagnosed 36) have never really been understood by my narcissistic 88 year old Mum or my older brother. My psychiatrist has spoken to my Mum about what I need to do to manage (basically I can't stay with her) but I don't feel it seems to have sunk in.

This Christmas I limited my time with my Mum (was staying at another relatives) and tried to only be around her when other people were there in order to avoid negative comments from her - she is more likely to do this when it's only the two of us.

My brother and his family are very "just-in-time" and consistently late ie I'll aim for this time and arrive 45 minutes later which stresses me out.

A lot of the time I felt overwhelmed due to not knowing what was going to happen next and early on was in tears quite a bit before upping my medication. Communication about expectations is not something that happens in my family.

I stuck to my limits (or tried to - probably went over them a bit) but it was just really hard.

I don't feel that either my Mum or brother are open to learning what my diagnoses mean so every year I feel it's a matter of trying to work out what my limits are beforehand then having random things thrown in.

Can anyone relate to this please?

4 replies

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In response to: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

NatureLoverSenior Contributor28 Dec 2022, 7:38 am AEDT

Re: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

Hi @Kermit , I'm sorry to read about your situation.

I can relate to having toxic family and toxic Christmases, and family who don't want to know about my diagnoses other than to blame me for them.

About 5 years ago, aged 47, I brought up the lifelong abuse to my father, and stopped going to family Christmases. You'd think the sky had fallen in with their reactions to me not going for Christmas any more, but actually it was a good decision for me and I haven't regretted it. No more massive stress or distress.

i wonder if you could do the same? Only if you want to, of course. It sounds like your brother and his family will still be there for your mother on Christmas Day.

Regarding your family learning about your diagnoses and what you need, I doubt anything will change - from my own experience. Sorry to say.

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

In response to: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

STTNew Contributor28 Dec 2022, 12:03 pm AEDT

Re: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

Hi @Kermit,

I signed up just to say you're not alone.
I'm 45 and have been dealing with low self esteem, depression, social anxiety and generalised anxiety pretty much for as long as I can remember. Certainly longer than there has been any public discourse that could have prompted me to seek help earlier in my life.

I've been reflecting on my life this year (good as well as challenging this happening this year) and had persistent clouds questioning myself why my parents didn't intervene as the red flags were there to anyone who would care to pay attention.
I finally reached out to them a few months ago and their response was pretty shocking - complete defensiveness and denial.

And then Christmas rolls around and it's the same as usual, my social anxiety and discomfort in full bloom while everyone else pretends nothing is happening.

I'm glad I've found my partner who is very supportive, but some families (like mine) just don't seem interested in understanding, empathy or support.

I put myself out there to my family and they pretty much confirmed that they are not interested in me as an individual. I'll be minimizing contact with them for the foreseeable future and focusing on living my life. Attending events with a family who's primary response to my limitations is wilful ignorance, judgement and isolation is not for me any more.

Although my story is not the same as yours, I can really relate.

I wish you happiness and freedom from feeling obligated to that group of people who don't value you.

In response to: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

Loz_3647Senior Contributor28 Dec 2022, 1:50 pm AEDT

Re: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

100% relate. My family don't understand my diagnosis. Even when the psychiatrist has spoken to them when I've been in hospital. My mum resisted their diagnosis and said that she believes I'm something else (won't state what). She won't accept that it is from years of abuse and trauma. I'm so messed up. And with this time of year (like many others), my MH suffers more and yet I have no one to talk to because they refuse to understand. Then they wonder why I go off the rails and hurt myself. Last night I was in a super bad place and today just the same. It gets to the point where I don't really want to be here anymore. No one should feel like this....

In response to: Re: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

KermitSenior Contributor29 Dec 2022, 7:21 am AEDT

Re: Looking after yourself with family at Christmas when they don't understand your mental illness or neurology

Hi @Appleblossom @NatureLover @STT

Thanks all for letting me know I'm not alone and I feel sad about others' different but still horrible situations.

I've had a day back in my own home and a decent sleep last night (it's been really hot here in Melbourne) plus caught up with a friend yesterday so am feeling a bit better.

I agree that my relatives are unlikely to ever really "get it". Plus I don't like making myself vulnerable by providing information that can be rebutted or denied ie don't make a scene or everyone else is ok with this.

Listening to others suggests I can think through what are my absolutes such as based on previous similar situations, I can't tolerate this health-wise so I won't be doing it eg Christmas maybe. However I'm still learning to set and maintain my boundaries, particularly with my Mum (probably always will be).

No contact with my Mum has been brought up as an option by my psychologist and at the moment I call her and limit in person visits - she lives 1 hour 20 minutes drive away from me. I have limited contact with my brother as he lives in Sydney.

Best wishes for you all in what can be a challenging time.

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