Rage from past sexual trauma

Hi @Theotherjohnsmi

Welcome to the forums.

Thankyou for sharing your story so clearly & having the strength & trust in yourself to write about your horrific experiences. I'm sorry.

After reading your post, I think maybe what resonated with me most strongly, is that I believe, what you are experiencing is a natural & very likely common & human response to being violated so cruelly.

I'm not sure I can give any better strategies than you have already tried with your therapist.

Last night, I was listening to a guided meditation. It was about removing our masks, so that we can move closer towards being our authentic beautiful selves. Masks of fear, guilt, shame & masks that were not even ours, but we inherited.

One part in the meditation that I liked & I'm sharing with you, because perhaps it could help?...Is that when emotions come to the surface, that means they are ready to heal. We experience the emotions so that they can be released. (I'm not a therapist - but this made sense to me)

I'm not saying this is a cure - & maybe different people have all sorts of blocks that they are not even aware of. Maybe, it's a process that lasts a lifetime.. Or more - or maybe it is short term? And then we can become our true selves, without the rage, betrayal & all those other negative/stagnant emotions & thoughts?

I find it taking up too much of my thoughts and detracting from my family time and focus.

I think this is a really powerful statement. To me, it says you are already further in your recovery than you realise.

Best wishes to you @Theotherjohnsmi

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Perhaps, other members will have a different perspective & provide more answers for you.

maddison

Hi and welcome, @Theotherjohnsmi

I'm sorry to hear about your past sexual abuse 😞

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@Theotherjohnsmi wrote:

i just want to let it fade away into a distant memory. It just boils inside me and i try so hard not to let it affect my day to day life but it wears me down.

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My understanding is, if the rage and memories are bubbling up, they can't be kept down, and need to be worked through in a safe environment in therapy.

I didn't suffer sexual abuse but severe childhood emotional abuse, actually all my life, and I was able to get validated in therapy and work through all the anger. Now I'm in a much more peaceful place.

Are you able to talk about the abuse in your therapy sessions? Even by writing it down?

You're right, life is cruel and it was NOT right or fair what happened to you.

@Theotherjohnsmi Sometimes we accept sexual abuse in our past usually due to lack of power, and bury our anger about it, and do not really understand how much of a betrayal of trust and how damaging it is til later. Having a family probably triggers thoughts a little in that we see how it could and should have been better and desires to protect the vulnerable, and outrage at deliberate violations can be healthy responses.

I tend to like the saying ... 'the best revenge is to live well'. It includes the naturalness of wanting to hit back, but knowing many problems arise from that. A lot depends in whether you have ongoing contact with a past abuser or enabler, which can also be almost as bad.

Recovery takes as long as it takes.

@NatureLover @maddison have good tips.

Self respect and dignity can be a way forward.