i don’t want to lose my younger sister

Hi. It’s my first time using this forum, i hope i’m doing it correctly. this post may be dark, i’m sorry. i feel i need to get it off my chest. i hope i am in the right place to do that without negatively impacting anyone else.

my whole family has experienced trauma. i had an undiagnosed illness that left me in wheelchair for two years, and my family sort of crumbled during that time. my younger sibling has always been my best friend. she has gotten me through some very dark times, without even knowing it. i never let her know how low i was, but she kept me laughing. i always tried to protect her from the darkest things. i was okay to let them fall on me. all i wanted was for her to be safe and happy.

she has mental health issues, that much we know. we aren’t sure what it is exactly, yet. we are trying everything to get her the support she needs. still, she relies on me - and me alone - to be there for her. as she holds resentment against our parents for past issues. i have always taken that on as my duty, to be there for her completely. no matter the cost to myself. i’m 19.

her mental health has deteriorated recently. she has periods of extreme highs, and extreme lows. when she is in these heightened states, she drinks. and she engages in self-harm, and other dangerous behaviours. including seeking out adults in my home town who will give her alcohol and drugs. my family has tried everything to help. we have taken her to the hospital, stayed up all night to watch her, begged her not to run away, tried many different medications, tried to reason with her, bargain with her. everything apart from physically restraining her, though sometimes it crosses my mind. the logical part of her brain doesn’t work during these times, she says. she doesn’t have any empathy. no emotion. all that matters to her during these times is how she can do exactly what she wants to do - all of this she tells me once she comes down.

i don’t recognise her anymore. she lies to me constantly. i cant trust a word she says. she manipulates me, abandons me, says horrible things to me. it breaks my heart. i have taken it, every time. and every time she apologises, but it keeps happening. i try and seperate her from her mental illness but it’s getting harder and harder. i don’t get a break, not even for a day. and i know that’s selfish to say when she is going through it herself. but she has told me she doesn’t feel remorse when she’s in those states - doesn’t feel sad or in pain. and sometimes i long for a day where i don’t feel any of that. i cant sleep because i’m watching her, cant leave my house because i cant leave her alone. i leave work often just because she says she is feeling bad. i take all of the horrible things she says to me and do my best to never take my pain out on her. but i feel like i am starting to resent her. i’m finding it harder to like her, because i’m constantly waiting for her to break my heart again. i don’t want to lose my best friend but i don’t know how to keep going. i don’t know how to help her. all i want to do is help her.

my parents don’t understand mental health. they struggle to be understanding about it. and they have fought about it with my sister in the past, which is why she will only answer me when i call. will only let me take her to the hospital when she self-harms. and on rare occasions when we can calm her down, i’m the only one she’ll listen to. i don’t want to be selfish, i hate myself for having these thoughts. but sometimes when i’m at work i dread going home. and i wish i could stay just a little longer, so i didn’t have to face it.

i don’t know what to do. and no one is helping me.