Introduction to me

I've just joined. In the past I have shied away from forums like this because I was embarrassed and believed that hearing the stories of others would only make my condition worse. I want to tell my story. Maybe it will help others.

I am 56 years of age. I am divorced and I now live in Qld. I live alone, partly by choice. During my 30s and 40s I was high functioning. I had a couple of careers and was happily married for 10 years. Nevertheless, since childhood I have experienced episodes of intense, painful and debilitating "loss of emotional control". It was just called separation anxiety back then, and it was believed it would resolve as I got into my teens. It didn't, and at the age of 23 I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD). Medications pretty much snapped me out of the worst of it however I continue to experience very painful and distressing episodes of loss of emotional control - usually when someone leaves me or when I feel abandoned - such as when my wife left me, when I tried to move to a new town, and when my dog died. For the past 20 years I've tried to tell my (numerous) psychiatrists about these ongoing problems. They fixate on the depression only. They talk of increasing the dose of this medication, or trying me on this new one etc. So, I decided it was time to take matters more into my own hands. I did some research (legitimate stuff, not social media or google). I've discovered the world of 'emotional dysregulation' (ED) and personality disorders (PDs). ED is characterised by feelings of "loss of emotional control" to the extent that it interferes with "normal" mental functioning and/or behavior - e.g., debilitating emotional 'breakdowns', inability to sustain relationships, cycling between jobs, mistrust of others, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, worry over being abandoned, acting aggressively in response to perceptions of being abandoned. ED often starts in early life. There are many other symptoms of ED. ED is considered as linked to a group of mental 'conditions' referred to as personality disorders (PDs) - including social anxiety, anti-social personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcist personality disorder etc. etc. .

None of this has ever been mentioned to me before by any medical practitioner even though it's been studied and reported on for at least 20 years in overseas medical and scientific journals and texts. They even have treatment regimens.

When I was young there was a saying "if you develop a mental illness in Qld. the first thing you should do is more interstate". I now really doubt the quality of mental health care in Queensland (and to be honest, Australia generally).

Now comes the tricky part - finding appropriate care. I have decided to draw a line under my past (I am continuing to take the depression medications). I am looking to find a GP with a special interest in mental health - with whom I can establish a mutually respectful relationship. I am done with doctors talking down to me - and 'sparing me' 7 minutes of their very precious time. When I find that GP I will ask her/him to find me a suitable specialist. This may be a new psychiatrist or a psychologist. I will go and see this specialist, but if I don't think they are rowing in the same direction as me I will ask to see another, then another, then another, until I find the right person. I will tell that specialist that while I know I have MDD, I also firmly believe I have symptoms of a PD - then we will go from there. I am actually optimistic about this approach to the extent that if it works out, I may gain a better understanding of my mental health challenges, and develop more effective ways of managing it other than rolling into the fetal position, and feeling as though the ground has completely fallen away.

Message - keep trying, if you are not getting results, chances are you need to find someone else to help. Don't just blame yourself and tell yourself you are forever broken.