Feeling desperate

Thanks for tagging me @utopia - that was a good thing to do

@Misty1

I am so sorry about your daughter - it is terrible to have a child complete suicide - we have what is called a Triple Whammy -

A sudden death

A violent death

And the stigma of suicide

People are horrified by the thought of a child dying - and still - there are those of us who have had this happen - and it is a terrible thing to live through - and I can tell you that it will be with you forever - but it will not always be so hard

My son committed suicide 30 years ago last winter - and although I took myself away for a few days I still woke up on his anniversary feeling terrible - so yes - I do understand - though I cannot know exactly what you feel - that is impossible

A couple of things you wrote really got to me - and one is the terrible guilt you feel that you turned away from your daughter when you were ill yourself and she didn't forgive you for that - I do get that - and I would like to tell you what I was told when I felt guilty about my son's death - and it's this

The more guilt we feel over such things the less we need to feel it. It's the people who feel no guilt - who see no part they play in the scenario -who need to feel guilty

So really - you do not need to feel guilty about your daughter's suicide - it is true you turned away from her when you were ill - but this did not cause her suicide - maybe it was one of a number of things in her life - but still - she chose to take her life as my son did - and this is a bitter truth - we cannot stop those determined to die - eventually they will complete the act

And I am so sorry

.People telling you that you have to be strong for your youngest daughter with her studies really do not know what they are asking. You have been here for all those times and through all those events since your first daughter died - and now - your daughter needs support - yes - and space - and whatever else you can do as she completes her work load and exams for this year - and maybe the tears I know you shed need to be kept away from her right now

But hey - you know you need to step back from your grief right now - but you have already been very strong -

It will take time - and it is good to see a grief councellor or a person who specialises in helping people who are the survivors of the suicide of a child - I don't know if you have someone right now - but when you go through the hard parts - lean on those people are hard as you need too

Still - I have a surviving child too - and she is strong - she has needed to be I am sure - and I know that there are times when I have come unstuck - but this is in the past

We cannot undo the past - we can only improve the future - and I have heard what you have said - read what you have written - and I am so sorry - I know the pain - I know how hard this is

But you are still new to it - it will take a long time to get past the really tough parts -

The death of a child - from any reason - takes part of your future away - we will never see what life would have been with that child - that adult - their children - their achievements - their failures - their losses

Keep writing - unfortunately there are other bereaved parents here as @utopia has written - they will come on - I am sure - and they are newer at this than I am - 30 years is a long time - and there are still bad days

Decadian

Thank you @utopia. I have never done this before (writing on a site). I have wonderful friends and my husband and daughters are very supportive. But only one of my friends understands how it feels to struggle with depression. I guess I need to connect with other people who understand.

My Psychiatrist knows I am struggling, as I saw him a few days ago. I think this is why I am feeling so helpless. I feel like even he can't help me. And I am so tired of the intensity of the pain.

Hi @Misty1,

i am so sorry for your loss. Like @utopia I can't begin to imagine how that would feel.

I do know how it feels to feel like you've let your kids down through MI. My kids at times have been angry that their mum was taken through it. At the moment I'm having my own battles so am not feeling up to writing much but wanted you to know you are not alone with much of what you are feeling. I know how hard it is to keep going for my kids, and at times I've been so angry and resentful that I have to stay here for them. That is not so prominent for me currently and is slowly changing over time. I'm really glad you've got good professional help but from what you write you feel so stuck and spiralling downwards at the moment. I have patches of this too and then I feel guilty that I'm not helping myself.

i also wanted to tag someone who knows the great pain of losing her beautiful daughter too young @Former-Member

@Misty1 Keep talking here and looking through past discussions or current discussions which may help. Take care and wishing you the best 💜😊

@Decadian I think this is what scares me... I feel like my life has consisted of weathering emotional struggles, sprinkled with blessings. But the struggles have been constant and dominant. Every time I am reminded of my daughter, I will be filled with such sorrow and unimaginable grief. Everything seems to remind me of her. I don't see how I can manage the crushing grief, on top of already feeling like I am dragging myself through life.

Hi @Misty1

I missed the part about your daughter being raped and you only read that in her journal - and that she died only 2 months ago

That is so recent - you are only beginning to start feeling your grief - when a child dies the parents are numb for a while - it is nature's way of protecting us from the terrible reality - it was strange when our son died because my then-husband and I felt as if we were consoling other people

Please don't expect too much from yourself right now - there is no easy way to deal with this - you need to see you psychiatrist and talk with him - but there is no way anyone can make you feel better - nothing you can do - and there are no right words to console you

And I have a good idea of that scene -

Have you spoken to The Compassionate Friends? They are helpful with this - I found them fantastic when I went through those first few months when the pain in my heart was so terrible - and of course Life Line and there are other people I know less about - but the mods can make suggestions about who else might help

But about your guilt - you can't know if you would have been able to give your daughter a better sense of self - if she would have talked to you about being raped - not everyone has supportive parents and I know you have had an MI - and so much loss yourself. Please don't beat yourself up over this - your daughter chose what she did - I know what I am talking about

My son was badly wired - I think he had an MI and the more I read here the more convinced I am - he was 16 when he went into Juvenile Detention - and I couldn't help him anymore and I had to tell him that - and it was two days before he died and he wanted me to take him home - but he had broken the law and I feel to this day that on the last day I saw him I had to say "I can't help you any more"

And I battled with that for years - but this was the truth among many truths - and there were truths he did not like at all - but this is life and part of growing toward maturity is partly learning to accept what life is

And your daughter was still on that learning curve

But ask yourself - if you could go back - could you change what took place? Could you change your MI?

Your daughter felt rejected when you turned away from her when you were ill - and she would not forgive - forgive me - but she chose that too - my mother was an unforgiving person - and we can't change other people - only ourselves

In what way could you have given your daughter a better sense of self?

I ask these questions not to have you answer but to think about it yourself - I have shreaded the past trying to find out what I could have changed

She died only 2 months ago and it's her birthday in a couple of days - I do understand and I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier

But I am sending my best thoughts and hoping one of the moderators here has an idea of someone who might help better than I can -

I am sending my best thoughs

Decadian

---

@Misty1 wrote:

@Decadian I think this is what scares me... I feel like my life has consisted of weathering emotional struggles, sprinkled with blessings. But the struggles have been constant and dominant. Every time I am reminded of my daughter, I will be filled with such sorrow and unimaginable grief. Everything seems to remind me of her. I don't see how I can manage the crushing grief, on top of already feeling like I am dragging myself through life.

---

Yes @Misty1

I know - I understand what you are saying

It's early days yet -- it will not always be this way - but you will never forget your daughter - you will remember her every day - and why not?

Dec

Thank you @Former-Member. It was reading about your struggles, that gave me the courage to write on here. I am surrounded by very good people but they are either of the "pull your socks up and stop wallowing" or genuinely don't understand MI variety. I was brought up with the "don't air your dirty laundry in public" mindset. So I find it challenging to talk about MI. It's not pleasant feeling like a misfit, but hard not to if you can't share experiences with other people.

Oh @Misty1 I too misread your post and just realised it was only two months ago. You are still so in the midst of grieving. Please be gentle with yourself. I think you need to let yourself process all this and will need so much help and support. My last post was coming from a different place which I now see is not all that helpful. Take care @Misty1. You are carrying a load no mother should ever have to bear. Sending hugs 🤗🤗🤗💜😊